: Welcome friends. We are rapidly approaching that special time of year when hearts are warmed in the presence of friends and family. I am of course talking about Christmas, that magical time of year when we all enchanted and let our Christmas spirit come out. Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. We didn’t have Christmas in Dimension X, but I suppose if we did it would probably be called Dimension X-Mas. Anyway, since my time on Earth I have grown to love Christmas and the season surrounding it. Won’t you join us as my heterosexual life mate Mumm-Ra and I prepare our home and fill it with Joy?
: Right. Deck the Halls and all that jazz!
: This year we will be hosting Christmas at our place. I have invited Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, Michaelangelo (cause he’s a party dude), Hamato Yoshi (he hates being called Splinter these days), April O’Neil, Bebop and Rocksteady, General Traag, Casey Jones, Baxter Stockman, The Rat King, Leatherhead, Usagi Yojimbo, Slash, Attila, Ganghis, Napoleon, Rasputin, The Neutrinos, Metalhead, the guys from H.A.V.O.C. and Dirk Savage. But not Shredder. Fuck that guy. I guess he thought he was too good to return my calls after 1993.
: Yes and I have summoned Lion-o, Jaga, Tygra, Panthro, Cheetara, Pumyra, Lynx-o, Wilykit and Wilykat, Jaguara, Snarf and Snarfer, Slithe, Monkian, Vultureman, Ratr-oLuna, Amuk, Tug Mug, Chilla, Red-Eye, Alluro, Hammerhand ans Topspinner (Since they had their “commitment ceremony” they have been inseparable), Ram Bam, Cruncher, Safari Joe and my mummy…get it. I am sooooooo looking forward to this!
: So we started off by hanging our stockings by the fire place. We knitted them ourselves last year and then decorated them with glue and glitter. It took me a little while to get used to the concept of stockings since they are basically socks and I have no feet. Or even legs.
: Don’t sweat it buddy. It doesn’t make you any less of a man! So after Krang put up the stockings I hung the mistletoe. This is going to be the year I get to lock lips with Cheetara.
: Mumm-Ra, can I bother you a second? Would you take the Module and drive to the store to get me some more candles.
: We have candles in the drawer in the kitchen.
: No, I need more Christmas candles. Ones with cute little figures on them like Santa and stuff if you can find them.
: Fine…but I am turning on the big drill on the front.
: Good, we’re alone. I had to get him out of here so I could wrap his present. This year I got him an Eye of Thundera tie…and an I-Phone. We will be very excited. I can’t wait to see the look on his face. I mean the I-Phone was a little pricey, but hell he’s worth it. He has been such a good friend. He was there for me when my marriage to Amy Belcher ended. She was SUCH a dragon lady. On top of all that Mumm-Ra has had a pretty tough year this year. His good friend Jackaman passed away over the summer, and he had a really tough time with it. I guess he realized that you can go at any time and he just got very depressed. He was so upset he…
: Hey, I’m back. So what are you guys talking about?
: Oh nothing much buddy. I was just explaining to everyone that we got our tree from Lowes this year.
: Oh yeah, it’s an artificial 9′ Just Cut Norwegian Spruce Pre-lit Tree and even without decorations on it yet it just lights up the room.
: Just like your smile.
: O….K…. Alright. So anyway, we have some gorgeous red and gold tinsel garland here which I am going to wrap the tree with. Krang can you start hanging the candy canes?
<Eyes tear up>: Sure. <sniff sniff>
: What’s the matter little buddy?
: Candy canes were Amy’s favorite.
: I’m sorry, do you want to stop for a while? Have some hot cocoa?
: No…<begins bawling> I just don’t know why she left me!!!!
:Um….Aren’t you gay? Like really blatantly homosexual? Flaming even?
: No!!! Why would you say such horrible things???
: Look, I’m sorry. I just thought…well I mean didn’t you spend like 8 years walking around INSIDE a man?
: IT WAS AN EXOSUIT!!!
: Alright fine. I thought it was a metaphor. Well what about those pictures you keep in the bottom of your underwear drawer?
: WHAT PICTURES???
: You know the ones of you and Panda Kahn, and Mondo Gecko during your “retreat” in the Poconos. You’re pinching Panda’s nipples while Mondo is caressing you!!!
: We were just experimenting. I’m not gay!!!
: Look, its o.k. I am always going to be your friend. Hell I have been your friend this whole time and I thought you were gay already.
: Alright, fine. I admit it. The crook in this candy cane is straighter than I am. I’m addicted to dick. I can’t help it. I’m an alien brain with no body. I don’t have one of my own and since there are no females of my race here the only way I could experience sexual stimulation was to take it in the mouth from Shredder. It was fine when I had him convinced I wasn’t gay and we were just getting our rocks off like cell mates…then, one day he caught me watching…“To Wong Foo” and enjoying it. He told me to get out and we haven’t spoken since….oh god it’s like a giant weight has been lifted off my chest.
: You do know you don’t have a chest right?
: Oh yeah. Well you know what I mean. Let’s just get back to decorating.
: O.k. You know… my friend Snarf is gay. I could probably get you two together for a date if you want.
: Really? He seems so butch. He’s got that wild beard and all.
: Nope. He’s a total queen. He followed Cher to 11 different shows during her farewell tour in ’03.
: OH MY GOD!!! I LOVE CHER!!!
:I know. That was my first clue. Anyhow, canyou hand me the star for the top of the tree?
: Yup. Here you go. Let me just put this last ornament on and…voila. We are all done and it looks amazing. I can’t wait for Christmas to get here.
: Me either. In the meantime, here’s a poem.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Krang in a blouse;
The stockings we knitted were ready to hang,
and the tree was put up by me and ol’ Krang;
We were both sleeping in our separate beds,
While visions of greased up Chip N’ Dales danced in Krang’s head;
I got a hankerin for booze and had a night cap,
and I thought about that whore who gave me the clap,
When out on the lawn I heard a terrible sound,
I stumbled out the door and fell on the ground.
I went back inside and puked in the trash,
then ran to the toilet where I blew out my ass.
I sat on the shitter after I was done,
It took me a minute because i was physically stunned,
then I looked outside and I saw so clear,
What looked like a drunk fat man trying to steal our plastic reindeer,
The guy was a thief, an old drunken dick,
I couldn’t figure out why he was dressed like St. Nick.
I went out to beat him but his rollin’ crew, they came,
and as they beat my ass he called them by name;
“Now, Basher! now, Smasher! now, Vinnie and Chuck!
On, Steve-o! on Danny! on, Psyco and Buck!
bloody his nose, break his damn jaw!
Now beat on him beat on hime beat on him all!”
As I lie there bleeding from my mouth, nose and ears,
he went in the house to steel what was there,
but Krang heard the ruckus and he quickly awoke,
Krang pulled out his gat, this shit was no joke.
And then, in a moment the fighting began
my little buddy stab that bastard right in the hand.
Krang tied him up and tied him up fast,
Then strapped on a dildo and raped out his ass.
then came the time it was getting to hot,
Krang was ready, for the money shot;
The fat man just laid there crying like a bitch,
then we drove him out to the country and left him in a ditch.
His eyes — they glazed over his lips turning blue!
He was gonna die right there, what should we do?!
we decided it was best to leave him for dead,
we put him out of his misery with two in the head;
then we busted out all of his teeth,
then cut of his fingers and wrapped him in a sheet;
we soaked him with gas and with fired he fried,
the charred remains couldn’t be identified.
On the way home Krang had to ralph,
“We killed that old bastard” I laughed to myself;
we got back home and cleaned out the car,
then picked up the mess and went to the bar;
we got hammered so hammered right out of our minds,
we laughed and we joked about our big crime,
Murder on Christmas, who would have thought,
Police found the body but we never got caught;
We went home late and fell asleep quick,
and woke up the next morning hung over and sick.
But I’ll remember the rush and the fright,
of murder on Christmas, Christmas Eve Night.
: That was…horrifying. Horrifying.
: Well, good night folks. Merry Christmas.