Let’s go fat man, you and me.

As many of you know I am not the biggest fan of Christmas…and I have my reasons. Recently however I have decided that this year I am willing to bury the hatchet and try to enjoy it again if Santa comes out of retirement and faces me one on one, mano y mano and all that jazz. That’s right, I am calling out Santa Clause. I want to go 10 rounds with him at Madison Square Garden. You see it isn’t that I no longer believe in Santa, it is that I believe he is a complete dick.


If he dies, he dies.  

So you may be asking yourself why I want to fight Santa, and that is a valid question. Beyond the fact that he is an old man who survives on a diet of milk and cookies and I am a young, trim fighting machine at the top of my game and it would be an easy win, Santa has proven time and again he is in line for an ass whooping.

Aside from not following the rules Santa and being down right rude in his correspondences with me AND being responsible for a lot of this Holiday Cheer, I will list the reasons why Santa and I need to go a few rounds.

1.) When I was a kid Santa once ate MY cookies! I left plenty of milk and cookies out for Santa and even a plate of carrots and celery for his reindeer but was Santa satisfied with that? The answer is no. No he wasn’t. There was a plate of cookies my mother made for me that I only ate a few of before I went to bed and when I got up the next morning that plate was empty too. How does he plan to keep getting his fat ass down the chimneys when he gorges himself on little kids’ cookies. He’s not the young fit guy he once was.


 Santa put on weight from pillaging cookies but what made him a disgusting perv?

2.) Some one said they saw ma’ma kissin Santa Claus, well maybe if he weren’t so bust trying to put “the moves” on my mom, my parents wouldn’t be divorced. Thanks a lot you fat Christmas fuck!


It isn't MILF and cookies...that's my snack! 

3.)What kind of policy does this guy have going on in the workshop? What kind of wages and benefits do the elves get? They claim he hides out in the North Pole so that his shoddy working conditions can’t be investigated. When was the last time an OSHA rep was up there to investigate things? There are probably maimed elves running around all over the place. Do elves fall under protection from child labor? What about toxic chemicals in toys? If you ask me it isn’t China that’s responsible for ll the lead paint in kids’ items it is Chairman Santa.


Elves have ROOTS too.  

4.) He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake? The “you” the story is referring too is any random child. This guy is a freakin pedophile. He probably has Michael Jackson on speed dial!!!


Yoo Hoo! Come sit on my lap. You don't want to be on the NAUGHTY list do you? 

So for all of those reason’s fat man I a calling you out.

P.S. All of this can be avoided if you just give me what is on the damn list!!!

2 responses to “Let’s go fat man, you and me.

  1. Please oh please keep writing! Your articles are wonderful!

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