Fall Out Boy: “We were never meant to be taken seriously”

There has been much ado about where my musical tastes lie. Be it because of my giant “RIP 2-Pak” tattoo, or my seething hatred of The Beatles, or my long time allegiance with Renegade Revival, the fact of the matter is no one really knows where I stand on certain bands. One thing is for sure though, when it comes down to what is ‘hip’, my opinion is taken with much weight and relevance in large and powerful circles the world over.

What remains an undisputed fact, though, is that I have a love for punk rock that would border on fanatical lust. Though there is no truth to the rumor that I’m so ingrained with punk rock that my hair will only grow in as a Mohawk, it is true that I take my punk rock very seriously. The ‘post punk’ movement of bands that led to the atrocity known as ‘emo’ is something that I spent many a year trying to prevent from happening. Sabotaging bands, stealing instruments, double booking gigs, lying, spreading rumors, gossiping, and physically beating the shit out of any wussy little fucker wearing make up and saying he’s got anything to do with anything even remotely punk rock, you name it, and I’ve done it. I’ve been called “Punk’s last great hero”, “The puncher of sissies” and “The reason that punk rock is still dangerous” among many other things.

One of the bands that have received a very large share of the brunt of my animosity is the up and coming modern day boy band rock and roll version of New Kids on the Block “Fall Out Boy”. Ever since the day I drunkenly stumbled into a Hot Topic searching for 18 year old girls with no self esteem and too much make up and first heard the ‘band’, they have been on my shit list. I lurched up to the counter and grabbed the homosexual male clerk by the shirt (I could tell he was a homosexual because he was wearing make up, and hand one of those weird comb-over hair-dos like all the homosexuals are doing these days). I shouted: “Hey, gay guy! What the hell’s that noise coming from the ceiling?!” He instantly began crying and replied “P-p-p-please… don’t injure me! I’m not gay, I’m Emo! That’s the hip new band ‘Fall Out Boy’ that all the kids are digging these days. They’re doing this really cool post-punk thing! I’m sorry! Here, take my ridiculous amount of flare and leave me alone!” He thus crumpled into a ball of faggotry onto the floor and sobbed while clutching his Big Bird doll… the contents of his back pack spilling onto the floor. It was at this time that the store manager came out and demanded to know why I had accosted his employee. “Because he had the audacity to imply that this shit that you’re playing on the radio has the vaguest semblance to punk rock! He’s lucky I didn’t ass fuck him!” The manager assured me he would have most likely enjoyed a little back door action and told me to vacate the premises immediately. I did as he requested, not for fear of repercussions, but because the sound of little boys pretending to be rockers with instruments bought with their parents’ money that they were passing off as “music” in there was beginning to have diverse effects on me. In fact, I blame the awful shit that I had the misfortune of hearing that day for my inability to get a full erection for the 3 following weeks.

Anyhow, after looking into the monstrosity of a band, I’ve come to the realization that they never intended to be taken seriously. I mean, c’mon, a band going under the moniker of anything related to punk rock playing the Honda Civic tour? What the hell nonsense is that? Have you even seen a picture of these twats? It’s like the stupid shit a band like GWAR would do to be funny, only gay. I’d also like to point out the fact that they defended Ashlee Simpson, saying that they support her in what ever she does, and that they don’t blame her for not getting a Grammy. But does not getting a Grammy really have anything to do with whichever socialite whore one the band members is screwing, or is it in fact because somewhere on the Grammy board of dip-shits someone realized, “Oh… I get it. Fall Out Boy. They’re a joke. Sheesh.”I’m betting on the latter.

What’s odd, is that for a few weeks, I was convinced that this band actually wanted to be taken seriously. I almost puked when I saw homosexuals (again, those guys with the girl pants and comb-overs) wearing their shirts, until I realized it was all a big joke. Kind of like when Tenacious D came out with an album, only Tenacious D wrote great music, and it was funny. Whatever it is that Fall Out Boy is doing, I’ll admit, I didn’t get at first. In fact, I still don’t. I mean, they’ve got what appears to be an armada of these joke bands: Plain White Ts, Gym Class Heroes. One look at the name of these bands alone shows you that they’re just kidding around. But then, if that’s the case, how come people keep pretending to be taking them seriously?

At any rate, The fact that they not only accepted, but were proud to win some sort of Teen Choice award shows that they’ve got a great sense of humor. So it is with a relieved heart that I bid you adieu. I’ve got some very important things to take care of, including scheduling a luncheon with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie; the bitch of a thing is, I buy both of those skanks lunch, and all they do is puke it right back up. But hey, they give decent head, and I owe a buddy a favor. So you all take care, and the next time you hear of this silly little group Fall Out Boy, remember, even if they haven’t come out and said it, one listen to the ferret shit that they call music and the fact that they like Ashlee Simpson goes to show that they never meant any one to take them seriously.

"All “reports” made by Nick Fit are completely fabricated, even those
that are 100% true. Nick Fit may or may not even be an actual living
breathing human being. He also may or may not actually spend much of
his time in Hollywood when he’s not locked away in his vault passing
the hours surfing the internet wearing nothing but his bathrobe and
soiled boxers while consuming mass quantities of Schlitz. And while the
credibility and reality of his Hollywood “contacts” and “sources” can
be and have been argued, none of that is important. Even though Nick
Fit is a representative of Hey Stupid who is well paid in the form of
cheap beer for his articles and opinions, his opinions don’t
necessarily represent those of Hey Stupid; except in the cases where
they do unnecessarily represent sometimes necessary representation of
our opinions. In other words we have no fucking money and it isn’t
worth your time suing us because we wouldn’t pay anyway."

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