Ladies and gentlemen, the run for the U.S. Presidential election of 2008 is in full swing. Now our first choice for king of America, Stephen Colbert has unfortunately been banned from running. After Stephen’s announcement that he would not be seeking the presidency E-Rokk announced that he will run for president in 2016. Who then will we be throwing our support behind until then? The answer is simple, the Venomous Duck!!! While it is true our friend the venomous duck ran into some controversy with the stuck up peons over at Wikipedia earlier this year, that is no reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to run for the highest office in the land.
There are even those that have DEMANDED he run for president.
One of these majestic creatures has stepped forward to take up this challenge. His name? Fredward V. Duck. That’s right, Fredward!
“I don’t know about all of you, but I think it is time for this nation to reclaim its status as the Greatest Nation in the World and not just a nation of mediocrity. I grew up in the western Pennsylvania wetlands to a hard working family and for 36 years I have been an idle member of the working class. Now however it is time for me to step up and represent these people, all people who are hard working, law abiding citizens of this country who are tired of paying too many taxes, having their son’s and daughters off to be killed in countries with names they can barely spell, and are sick of big government interference in almost every aspect of their lives.” Those were the words spoken by Fredward on CNN when he officially announced his candidacy.
HEY STUPID! caught up with Fredward later that evening and he agreed to sit down to an interview, what follows is the transcript from that interview.
HS: So Fredward, I would like to start by thanking you for agreeing to this interview.
FVD: Oh, it is no problem at all, I have been a fan of your site as you know for quite some time. E-Rokk and I have been friends for years and I have always appreciated how you guys have never shied away from hot button issues.
HS: You know, a lot of people claim that not only are you not qualified to run for president, but that you aren’t even a real creature. What is your response to those people?
FVD: True, I may not be a lawyer or a former congressman or a judge or a doctor or hell even have a basic concept of leadership, but I know this, there has been no time like right now to try something new. Why not elect me? I mean I know how to survive, I know how to keep my nose out of other people’s business. As far as the fact that people think I am a “mythical” creature, that is just another example of how “Big Wiki” is slowly taking over the world and trying to define it for us.
HS: The question on everyone’s mind at this point must be, what party will you represent? Republican, Democrat, Independent? What will it be?
FVD: Well to be perfectly honest, none of the above. The Republicans are slowly becoming fascists, the Democrats are on their way to trying to bring back the 60’s and being labeled an Independent is a political death sentence. Ralph Nader did contact me about running for the Green Party, but then I reminded him that he is the only actual member of the Green Party and I didn’t think that was the way to go. Instead I will be starting a new party called the “Why Not Party”. As it is people seem to be willing to vote for ANYONE that isn’t a Republican, gay or dead and they aren’t to strict about the gay and dead parts, so Why Not?
HS: So what are your thoughts on your current opponents?
FVD: Well, Rudy Giuliani had a shot before he tied his boat to Bush after the 9/11 attacks that he loves to blabber on about. Mike Huckabee seems like a good guy, but he is also a Baptist minister. I don’t have a problem with people’s faith but the constitution clearly calls for a separation of church and state which means he must be separated from the oval office. Duncan Hunter looks like a used car salesman. John McCain is so old there is a good chance he will die before he gets to kill off all the Mexicans. The other thing is he wants to kill off all the Mexicans. Ron Paul is Marshall Applewhite, I guess he never drank the punch. Mitt Romney is kind of a douche. Fred Thompson fell asleep when I was trying to introduce myself to him. Joe Biden is a Pennsylvania native like myself, but he’s from Scranton, and let’s face it, that place is a shithole. Hillary Rodham Clinton only decided to run for President after she smoked the cigar that Bill put in Monica. Chris Dodd is also kind of a douche. John Edwards couldn’t get an erection let alone an election. Mike Gravel is a thousand and two years old and is hiding plums in his mustache. Dennis Kucinich is a twat, plain and simple, a twat. Barack Obama, God love him, he is ALMOST black enough to get votes. Bill Richardson is Governor of New Mexico which is kind of like being the governor of Iraq. Sure there are less terrorists, but there is just as much worthless dirt and almost as many rocks. These people see aliens for Christ’s sake.
HS: Well what about the other parties out there? Being that you yourself are a member of a little known party and plan to make a big splash, do you have any worries about the others?
FVD: Like who? The Constitution Party, The Libertarian Party, The Prohibition Party, The Socialist Party USA, The Workers World Party, The New American Party, The Balanced Party, The United Fascist Union, The Marijuana Party, The Give Me Back America Party? Fuck those guys, they’re all dicks.
HS: Well that seems to be all the time we have for today, again thank you for sitting down with us and we will keep an eye on your campaign. You already know you have our votes.
The Constitution requires that a candidate for the presidency must be a “natural-born” citizen of the United States, at least 35 years of age, and a resident of the United States for at least 14 years.