After announcing yesterday that he was going to be the first Venomous Duck to make a run for the presidency of the United States of America and that he was going to be representing the “Why Not” party, other party members began asking almost immediately who his running mate would be.
There was plenty of speculation and lots of hope but know one knew for sure who it would be. Lukas Daljing, an active member of the “Why Not” party had this to say, “Who ever it is will have to be a lot more vocal than any other candidate for vice president has been in the past. let’s face it, we are a new party not a lot of people have heard of, we have some different opinions and our candidate is a duck, it isn’t like we are members of the NEE party here.”
At just before noon eastern standard time Fredward announced that his running mate would be the highly articulate formor pro wrestling legend The Ultimate Warrior.
HS: Thanks so much for sitting down with us here. We have been long time friends and supports with your running mate Fredward.
UW: By now all the little Warriors know that the power of the Ultimate Warrior is something that you want to feel, that you want to taste. It’s something that when you turn on that TV screen or when you buy a ticket in those arenas you know that its gonna be exciting and that it might even be a little bit frightening!
HS: Um, if you say so. So what do you think you can bring to the “Why Not” party?
UW: I was sent in a capsule from a place long from here and I came here for one reason: to attack and keep coming. Not to ask but just to give. Not to want but just to send…send the power of the Warrior down everybody’s throat in the WWF till they become sick of it. Well you’re gonna get sick of it because this freak of nature right here is just beginning to swell. And when I get big enough, brother, there ain’t gonna room for anybody else but me and all the Warriors floating through the veins, and the power of the Warrior!
HS: JESUS CHRIST! You’re a fucking loony toon.
UW: Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel! Load it with the warriors! Full of the juice to carry the spaceship as far as it wants to go! I look above to the gods, and when you fall below the skeletons of the Warriors past, the power of the Warriors will become the eighth Wonder of the World!
HS: Well, let’s move on. So one of the big issues concerning the American public are the wars in the Middle East, what would your exit strategy be?
UW: In my final meeting with the gods from the heavens above, as they spoke to me and hit me with the power of the Ultimate Warrior, they told me ‘Exit stage left! Exit stage right! There is no place to run; all the fuses in the exit signs have been burned out!
HS: You know what, I’m just gonna throw these note cards away. I mean I could ask you, “Flibbity Jibbity” and you would have a colorful response wouldn’t you?
UW: If they refuse to understand that the power of the Ultimate Warrior has spread like a virus through the world then let them continue to walk as normal as they seem. But if those men want to have special attractions such as the vice presidency then you and I as the Warrior’s, the most powerful force in the world, will continue to see it only as another challenge, only as another day of combat. Twenty eight of those normal men stacked one on top of another can’t come close to the billions and the destinations from parts unknown. You realize, as I do, that the twenty ninth man, you America, walk with a different forcefield around you, walk on horizons that are close to where I’ve been. But no one in the world shall form a team. Every man will fight for what he feels is within himself. And I, the Ultimate Warrior, will fulfill another destiny.
HS: Wow. Holy crap. I mean… Wow. Would you at least say you’re prepared to be a politician?
UW: How must I prepare you must ask yourself. Should I jump off the tallest building in the world? Should I lay on the lawn and let it run over me with lawnmowers? Should I go to Africa and let it trample me with raging elephants?
HS: O.k. Fuck it. What about campaign contributions?
UW: All the money in the world can’t buy what it takes to be a president. Dollars do not buy desire, bankrolls do not build biceps, and the world does not sing your praises because of c-notes!”
“What I hold in my hands, to you it only represents the vice presidency, but to me, within this are the tendons and the ligaments, the muscle tissue, the organs that form the bond between me and my warriors; and you, America, you tried to break that bond. After the debate, , I looked in the eyes of my warriors and saw tears…tears. But when I looked again, I saw no more tears. I saw only what you will see–I saw nothing. NOTHING BUT RAGE!!!”
HS: Well what do you think of some of your opponents?
UW: Opponents, you thought that it was something like out of a comic book, brother; but we’re talking about real life! I was sitting in Parts Unknown waiting for the next spaceship to higher planes, and the lightning bolts came down from the sky, and the warriors spoke, and they said, “make it to the Garden.” Well the Ultimate Warrior showed and, you gave the challenge, and the Ultimate Warrior and the little warriors with the painted faces rose to the challenge, and they conquered! I’ve taken all the little warriors through all the darkness and all the pain, and if you want a piece of me, or anybody thinks they can take on all the warriors, I’m not hard to find. I’ll be on the next spaceship to Parts UNKNOWN!
HS: I’m going for a glass of scotch. You want anything?
UW: I can smell it…it is in the air…the cosmic powers of Mars…the clouds of Jupiter…the rings of Saturn…the boiling heat of Mercury. Something’s gonna happen, Warriors. I can feel it. Warriors, I need not Earthquake insurance. I need not health insurance. I will never need life insurance. For the Warriors all know, the life that flows in their body IS NOT THAT OF THE NORMALS. The marrow in these bones is of a different composition. The blood in these veins is of a different consistency. The brain waves in my mind are of an unknown frequency. The muscles that the Warriors attach themselves to is of a different structure.
HS: Well this is about enough. I’m going home. Say hello to your family.
UW: The family that I live for only breathes the air that smells of combat. With or without the facepaint I am the Ultimate Warrior!
HS: Stop talking
HS: I hate you.