When Lloyd Carr resigned from UM, a new sheriff needed to be appointed. As an independent council (counsel?) I was elected by a committee of myself to find a new head coach for Michigan. The university took it upon itself to go over my head and hire their own coach without my consent, or my interview notes on my candidates. Therefore, I have decided to go ahead and finalize who the new coach shall be, based on my own very lengthy and in-depth interviewing process.


Dick “Chernobyl” Mitchell

Interview Score (out of ten): 2.5
Coaching Experience: none, but played on a state championship team
Character Strengths: anger, persistent anger, rumored steroid abuse
Character Weaknesses: did not immediately change his cat’s name to “Rambo” when his grandfather suggested it.

“How would you describe your approach, offensively?”
“So you are saying you are more defense-oriented?”
“I guess.”
“How can you do in terms of recruiting?”
“I an get some players to play football.”

Final Verdict: We like the idea of trying to hook us via indifference, but his sleepy, lazy answers outweighed the attraction of seeing all our kids bearded and steroided.



Big Dan Stonerook

Interview Score (out of ten): 8
Coaching Experience: coached wrestling, possibly coached lumberjacking in Montana
Character Strengths: nationally reknowned, good Montana recruiting pipeline, strong dedication to his beard
Character Weaknesses: deemed Green Lantern in a superhero quiz.

“What would you do offensively?”
“I’m thinking west coast…No Big Ten Team would know what to do with that…lots of 3 receiver sets.”
“How about on defense?”
“I’d be running a cover 2 type style or a nickel based defense where there are 4 defensive linemen, 2 linebackers 2 corners, 2 safties and a hybrid someone who can play linebacker and play as an extra safety.”
“How about in terms of recruiting?”
“I’m getting Bret “The Hitman” Hart to scout in Canada…I’d see if you would pick up Texas and St. Michael…I was going to cover Ebensburg…West Coast I’m thinking Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band…Inner City Projects, Kid Rock and Eminem…In SEC country, I’m buying Bobby Bowden’s lists for some Viagra and an autographed picture of Joe Paterno…East Coast I’m looking Stevie Wonder, I value what he sees in a potential Wolverine… Southwest I’m getting Alice Cooper, the dude knows snakes…and for checking some of the juvenile facilities TV’s Judge Mathis…”

Final Verdict: Bonus points for real answers, and for a much-loved Bret Hart name-drop. Also received bonus points for being a Clarion dropout like myself. A strong interview no doubt, but not over the top.



The Groz

Interview Score (out of ten): 7
Coaching Experience: supposedly helped Johnstown High’s strength department
Character Strengths: violent and shady, not afraid to dance at the club, strong Arizona pipeline
Character Weaknesses: may or may not be secretly planning your murder

“What can you do offensively?”
“I would run a special 2-QB system that would be run like it would be on a playground, with both QB’s in the backfield at all times.”
“How about on defense?”
“3-5-3 defense that me and Faith invented.”
“Recruiting strategy?”
“Out-recruit Penn State and steal all the PA talent.”

Final Verdict: Like Stonerook, big points for the real answers. Although not the strongest interview, we know Groz from way back, and we know that he would get the most from his players based on fear alone. But, we know that he would alienate the minorities because of his insane hatred of Mexicans. Mexicans are awesome football players.



“Granny Fucker” Bodenschatz

Interview Score (out of ten): 7
Coaching Experience: none
Character Strengths: can ice skate, good with computers, good pipeline in ghetto Baltimore
Character Weaknesses: has sleepy-face

“What would you do offensively?”
“Score points, and don’t fumble.”
“How about on defense?”
“Keep them from scoring, get more takeaways, and points from our defense would be nice.”
“How would you do in terms of recruiting?”
“Really good job.” (very excited answer)

Final Verdict: Honest and strong answers to all 3 serious questions. But at the end of the day, we’re a little worried about him falling asleep, or having sex with all the players mothers or grandmothers. We’re not looking for a sex scandal at the moment, or a coach who looks like he’s about to pass out at practice. Also, one time he took a drink of water at Applebee’s and we all thought he was seriously dead.



Fisch Bulb

Interview Score (out of ten): 8
Coaching Experience: none
Character Strengths: been to Mexico a few times, has a Florida recruiting pipeline, recorded an album with Skid Row or somebody.
Character Weaknesses: doesn’t drink as much as he used to, didn’t stab Ross to death that night in Ft. Worth

“What kind of an offense would you run?”
“Power. Run between the tackles, and have a strong pocket-passer.”
“4-3, because you can’t find the talent to run a 3-4. There’d be a lot of 2-pt stances, and man coverage.”
“How would you do, recruiting-wise?”
“Good. I’d go south, abandon the state of Michigan and all you yankee fucks. Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Texas. We need speed and black players, and blacks have an extra leg muscle.”

Final Verdict: It takes a man of good sized stature to admit the truth that blacks have an extra leg muscle. For this, we gave his hiring serious consideration. But in the end, we’re worried about a lack of dedication. Lack of dedication to alcoholism, lack of dedication to being a bartender forever, lack of dedication to staying in Dallas and drinking himself to death. Now he’s all goin’ to school, and wanting to do something with his life. You go ahead, you go down there to San Marcos and your Ivy League, and you see how much I care!




Interview Score (out of ten): 8
Coaching Experience: none
Character Strengths: great TV show taste, whips Tim Montemayor’s ass every weekend, strong Big Ten recruiting pipeline.
Character Weaknesses: was swordfighting with another man, slipped in his own piss, and tore his ACL.

“What would you do offensively?”
“Ground and pound. A lot of black RB’s and offensive linemen. There would be a high HGH regimen.”
“How about on defense?”
“There’d be 10 men, because the 11th is the spirit of a great, dead Michigan coach.”
“How would you do in recruiting?”
“Excellent. Persuade them with enhancing drugs.”

Final Verdict: With the Big Ten recruiting pipeline, Clark would be an excellent choice. He would also be a great choice because he’s not afraid to call national radio shows and talk a bunch of shit. His sympathetic “10 man” defense is exactly what the UM alumni need after losing Bo Schembechler so recently. We love steroid abuse. But at the end, he was rejected because he owns and wears an Eric Lindros jersey.



Big C-Style Debias

Interview Score (out of ten): 9.5
Coaching Experience: may have been a volunteer assistant once
Character Strengths: good central PA pipeline, not afraid to “kick it up a notch” with his work-out supplements.
Character Weaknesses: insane love of his dog Kodiak is possible liability in time of tense crisis, has to check papers every night, may or may not need multiple raises so he can bail his sister out of jail.

“What would you do offensively?”
“I would steal all the Pittsburgh area’s top recruits. I’d run a speed offense because the Big Ten really has none. I want smaller, faster linemen who can block in a zone scheme. 4 to 5 WR sets like St. Louis when they were good. Pass to run the ball, 70-30. A lot of shotgun, shotgun draws, and deep balls.”
“Blitzing. Tight coverage. Inner-city youth at the corner positions, up in people’s grills, pressing the WR’s, and a large bodybuilder at LB. All d-linemen are less than 270 lbs.”
“How about recruiting?”
“Good job. Tell kids they are gonna get drafted if they come to play for me, everyone will believe they are going pro. I would also tell them that the fastest to get paid is the fastest to get laid.”

Final Verdict: Extreme bonus points for interrupting the interview to order another beer. His logical and honest answers are exactly what UM needs. We want and love a dedication to steroid abuse, and that is something he may be able to bring in. He gave an excellent interview, but the eventual winner was just a little bit better.



Front Top

Interview Score (out of ten): 9.5
Coaching Experience: supposedly is training his dogs (poorly, I might add)
Character Strengths: seems to take it on the chin a good bit and keep his stride, great “common-man” ethics and communication, can use a cool-cuttin’ saw pretty well.
Character Weaknesses: stopped drinking heavily because there was no one to drink heavily with. Needs to take responsibility for the fact that he’s not an out-right alcoholic anymore, and then call us for another opening.

“What would you do offensively?”
“I am in no way affiliated with LSU, and I plan to stay at LSU. I am not a Michigan alum, but I am just helping in their coaching search. I’m a good non-alum. I would also like to say that I am the only 6 star general in US military history.”
“How about on defense?”
“I have a ‘new to the game’ approach, where I blend sports and war. My defensive line would dig foxholes, and have 3 ft. high sandbags in front of them. How do you run over that?”
“What about with recruiting?”
“We would have a draft, and I would get my players for the trench defense. Also, I’m the mayor of a city.”

Final Verdict: A very close race by the final 3 candidates, and Front Top almost sealed it up for himself. However, a bum foot combined with all that Neil Young was definitely a double dose of asswhippings for everybody involved. Also, he hates college football. He needs a stronger pull with the Tongan recruits.



Shamus Cimba

Interview Score (out of ten): 10
Coaching Experience: none
Character Strengths: no hesitation to rob a cradle, gets tattoos that he has only put about 2 days of thought into, spends money he never had, good alternative-lifestyle recruiting pipeline, loves to slam ass and get his ass slammed.
Character Weaknesses: heavy credit-card debt, stopped drinking, orders “tea and fresh strawberries”.

“What would you do on offense?”
“I can teach players all about ball-handling. I would charge straight up the gut, and be ready to receive.”
“How about on defense?”
“We love tight ends. Gotta know how to take a man down, you gotta be the one who can come right in there and tear shit up.”
“That’s the name of the game, find the ones who got it but don’t know it yet. Get them interested, take them by the hand, get them on all fours, give it their all, make them yours.”

Final Verdict: The way he talks about tight ends and all fours and givin’ it to ’em really makes you want to just sign on for all of that. His enthusiasm to take a man’s pride, tie him down and make him humble… that’s what we like to hear. He’s not afraid to get his penis in there and do all the “shitty” work if you know what I mean. I do declare that for the first time ever, Cimba won something without having to suck anyone’s dick in an alley!



Congratulations to Cimba for being selected as Michigan’s new coach. To all the rest of you, there will be plenty of jobs open next season, so start drinking heavily and doing things that are appealing to me. One such move may be to send me money since I can’t pay my rent.


  1. Pingback: Which One of You Assholes Called Kevin Hart? « Hey Stupid!

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