It happened not long ago, 2 weeks in fact, in and around a town not far away. That town, ladies and gentlemen, is Stephenville, TX., some 60-70 miles down 377 from Fort Worth. Rick and I concocted a hare-brain scheme to drive the Six out there and get some good pictures of what was terrorizin’ and traumatizin’ those local yokels:
That’s right, Stephenville has no shortage of alien visitors, and we were out to catch a predator. No, seriously, a Predator, I wanted to give it to Liana for Christmas, but then I just realized that I would have to keep him in my apartment for 11 months. That’s okay, I guess, I can use the extra rent income, since I don’t have a fucking job yet. Besides, its better for Predator and Liana to talk online for 11 months before they meet, because Predator is shy and is better in text than he is face to face.
Our journey started at 7:45 PM and I don’t know what time we got there, but it is a good way to start a paragraph if you say what time it is. The only thing we had to do was stop at some bar called City Limits, because some dude Rick works with said we had to stop there and have a cold one. Upon passing City Limits, we agreed it was a little too cowboyish, and we would probably be unwelcome. So instead, we drove downtown to another equally retarded cowboy bar.
This is where it all went down. We go in there, and it is full of Stetsons and flannels. It also became very apparent to us that there was minimal talent in there and tons of swingin’ dicks. Our visit would be a short one, for red-flagged notions of getting our asses kicked, and because there was a 24-hr Mexican place in Benbrook that we passed on our way to town.
Anyone who drinks with me knows that I have no intentions of savoring a fine drink. I hit it very hard and very quick, and that’s pretty much what I did in Stephenville as well. While I was sitting there feeling myself starting to get buzzed, Rick noticed two hardcore kids in the corner, and that made us feel better, because we knew those guys would get their asses kicked long before we ever did. Rick then also came up with a good plan to start a fight with those kids, because “the locals in here would get a big kick out of that.”
Pretty soon I am buzzed and I tell Rick I am approaching the level where I am about to whip someone’s ass with alien discussion. He looks a little apprehensive. So we drink a few more beers and then he gets up to pay his tab. I immediately slam my beer and stand up, looking for a target to accost. There is a table full of 21 yr. old girls in the corner, and another table beside them with 2 females, a fat bitch and a black girl with a moustach. As I make my way over, the table of 21 yr. olds is all staring at me, I couldn’t tell if it was “Oh God, please don’t come over here” or “Oh God, dimpled Yankee, come to us.” Either way, I sat down at the table with the two mongoloids, and the 21 yr. olds kept staring at me. That was a little weird, but I forged ahead with the mongoloids.
“Hello, ladies,” I said, as I helped myself to an empty seat. “I work for the government, and my associate and I have been told there’s been some UFO activity in these parts.” They were completely uninterested in this, or me, and were definitely praying that I would leave. So I go on, with my own amusement: “Yall seen any aliens runnin’ around? There’s fuckin’ aliens all over the place.” The black girl with the moustach laughed a little, and the fat girl was very disinterested. “We’re just drivin’ around, lookin’ for UFO’s.” Then the fat girl asks where we were from. I tell her Dallas. The black chick laughs and asks if we drove all the way out there to see aliens. I of course get defensive and tell her “No!” The fat chick says “I’m from Dallas”, so I of course ask what part, and she says “Segoville.” Now, I have never even heard of this town, so I turn to her and say, “What the fuck are you even talkin’ about?” No response from either of them, so I say, “Alright, well, we’re leaving, so you ladies have a nice night” and when I stood up, I bumped the table really hard with my leg and almost spilled both their drinks. Then me and Chernobyl got the fuck out of there.
Our quest was a failure, in two ways. Rick went there chasing the American dream, and didn’t find Dusty Rhodes. I went there chasing the American dream as well: to punch an alien in the face.