About 4 am last night, me and Leeanna were in a mall someplace, probably the Galleria. Somehow, it was daylight, and I will not admit that this was all a dream, but I will also say that this was definitely all a dream. So we’re doin’ a lil’ shoppin’, I’m lookin’ for sweet button-ups and possibly a grilled chicken sandwich. Next thing I know, this little girl goes flyin’ past us runnin’ like a finely-tuned college basketball offense.
Leeanna gets side-tracked, like all women who are easily distracted by shiny things, and I end up walking off by myself into the wilderness of fashion and fake tits, which i admit is an okay place to be. I look down at the food court area, and I see a few detectives hangin’ out. One looks familiar: that’s right, it is former Penn State LB standout and former ‘Married with Children’ star Ed O’Neil.
“Okay”, I says, and I walk down the escalator (you’re not supposed to stand still on escalators) and I walk over to Ed O’Neil, who is looking around at the ground with his hot-shot detective colleagues. I’m wearing a stylish Penn State beanie, not unlike the one in the following picture:
You all thought I wore the beanie for no reason, but this encounter proved my theory correct that one day I would run into Ed O’Neil and have a great conversation starter. I make my way over, and I am hovering around what I guess is a crime scene, and then Ed O’Neil turns and notices me and my dashing hat. He does a double take, then turns and really looks at me. Like a true assfuck, I just point to the logo and go, “Eh? Penn State?” And he’s really impressed, only not at all. So I throw out, “You played at Penn State.” And he is mildly impressed. He tells me something about this being a crime scene, some little bitch got kidnapped, yada yada, BORING. I’m looking around for clues, asserting myself into the investigation, and then me and Ed O’Neil leave together to get some coffee. Keep in mind that I am fully aware that I just ditched Leeanna. I feel good about it, I feel good about the decisions I’ve made.
Me and Ed O’Neil are at this coffee shop, probably a Starbucks, and he’s all decked out in his tan trench-coat and glasses, and I am in my cool-ass cap and Brett Favre jeans. I’m just trying to give you a good visual, here. He explains that some little girl was kidnapped, and he was trying to find her, or some clues. I tell him I saw that little bitch runnin’ like a finely-tuned college basketball offense. He doesn’t seem interested, probably because little kids get kidnapped every day, and all little kids really are are parasites who suck up all your money anyways.
I of course bring up Penn State finally, and I was really excited to hear that Ed O’Neil is totally on the same page as me and Ham. Ed O’Neil throws out, “Joe’s lost it.” You’re goddamn right Joe’s lost it, Dutch Dooley, you’re goddamn right!!!!! I was so happy to know that he was on the same page as me. It brought a big ol’ tear to my eye, and I will admit it made my cock a little hard.
Then it was time to head back to the mall and find this little brat kid, and I asked him where he was from. Motherfucker told me Pittsburgh. That motherfucker grew up in Youngstown!