This weekend I found myself virtually alone in the Hey Stupid Headquarters. Nick Fit was in Las Vegas, Stratt was at the Sundance Film Festival, Brom Was at the AFC championship game, JaGe is still involved in his ongoing undercover assignment in Prague and El Caliente El Guapo is still dead. I had planned to spend the weekend sitting around in my silk pajamas, smoking fine cigars, drinking The Glenlivet and watching either George Carlin specials or The Big Lebowski.
As per my usual I officially began my weekend on Thursday night around 11:00 pm. The Hef called to ask if I would once again be joining he, Holly, Kendra and Bridget out at the mansion and though I did ponder it for a moment I did eventually tell him that I was going to stay in. The old guy sounded very upset, I even thought I detected a tremble in his voice as though he were holding back tears.
I took a long shower, got into my pajamas and my crested smoking jacket, slipped on my favorite slippers, chose a cigar from the humidor, and though the plan was to drink The Glenlivet decided to shake things up a bit and instead selected a bottle of 1800 Colección tequila and walked into the screening room. I told Boddington, one of our many servants, that I had decided I wanted to watch the Indiana Jones Trilogy and he promptly fired it up for me.
I shut off all of my communication devices, kicked up my feet, lit my cigar and poured my first splash of tequila into my Caballito and prepared to watch my movies. I was about an hour into “Raiders when Boddington came in to inform me that there was a man in the sitting room requesting to speak to me. I informed Boddington that t was nearly 1:00 am and that I did not want to be disturbed. “Sir, I assure you I told him you were not available, then he responded ‘If I find out you’re lying, I’ll come back and kill you in your own kitchen.’ I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I figured you needed to know”.Obviously as soon as I heard the line I knew who the mystery guest was so I informed Boddington to pause the movie, bring up the house lights and send our visitor in. I soon saw that my guess was correct; it was none other than my old acquaintance Steven Seagal. Stephen explained that he was in town scouting a location for an upcoming project and decided to stop by. I offered him some of my beverage and a cigar and we sat and talked of memories past.
Boddington started the movie back up and just about 15 minutes later Stephen said, “You know, why don’t we head out to the west coast and see if we can find any trouble to get into. I mulled it over for a second and realized the alternative was sitting here alone all weekend. I called Hef back and let him know to set up two rooms, packed a bag and met Stephen in the HS pub. We finished the bottle of tequila and asked Boddington to call the car around.The Phantom came wheeling around the corner to take us to the airport and soon enough we were on the HS2, Hey Stupid’s private jet, on our way out to L.A. When we arrived at “The Mansion” Hef and the girls met us out front with a case of cigars and a bottle of Maker’s Mark. The six of us made our way into the house, and though it was rapidly approaching 2:00 am on the west coast Hef had a star studded party in full swing in no time.
I lost track of Stephen, but wasn’t too concerned. I was sitting in the grotto, surrounded by young honeys and regaling them with tales of my adventure in the jungles of Myanmar. I was neck deep in my fifth bottle of liquor for the evening by now and I was beginning to feel a bit inebriated. It wasn’t long before I was escorted to my room by a harem of bubbly young starlets and we bedded down for the night.
The next morning I awoke from my slumber to find the girls gone, just the way it should be, and a set of pajamas and slippers laid out for me from Hef himself. I walked down to the dining room and met the Premiere Playboy himself for a good old fashioned breakfast. Hef asked me if I still had the signet ring he gave me a few years before and I showed him I was wearing it at that moment. Again, he struck me as if something was bothering him, but what could it be.
I decided to put it out of my mind and focus on my breakfast. I asked what became of Mr. Seagal and he told me that he tried to karate chop an ice sculpture in half and was asked to leave. We ate and made light conversation for a while then took a leisurely stroll around the property. Eventually I had to know. I asked him what was troubling him.
“Its nothing. There is supposedly a young woman of the most immaculate beauty living in Bhutan and I need someone to go there, investigate the situation and if she is a gorgeous as they say, convince her to do a shoot for the magazine. I can’t trust any of my staff because they are all used to dealing with either girls that are just dieing to be in a Playboy pictorial or spoiled rotten celebs that want to do it but make us beg them anyway.” I simply smiled and said, “Hef, you should know you don’t even have to ask favors from me old friend. If you would like me to go just say the word and I am on the next flight out.”
He smiled, put his hands on the sides of my shoulders in a scene that reminded me of Jack Palance as Carl Grissom telling Jack Napier he was his “number one” and told me that I would need to leave immediately. I would be met by a contact in Bhutan named Ginji who would get me set up with a room, transportation, a guide, a team and all of the resources I would need for my mission. Within an hour I was on a plane to Asia.
When the craft touched down I was met by Ginji. I couldn’t be certain, but I thought that he was just Richard Dean Anderson wearing a fake Fu Manchu, but I had to be delicate about finding out. Gingi directed me to his car, It was a 1985 Yugo GV which I can only describe as a heap of yellow and rust.
Gingi and I traveled in silence toward our destination of the Kawang Gewog in the Thimphu District. I was to stay in a small village there and meet up with my crew upon arrival. My curiosity became like a weight of 1000 tons crushing down upon me and I just had to know. I waited for just the right moment and asked, “So did Pete arrange all this, or was it the Phoenix Foundation?” He began to say, “Well Pete went blind years ago but…” and then just trailed off and continued to look forward. I think I had my answer.
About three hours later we arrived at our destination. I needed a drink, a smoke and one of the local ladies to tend to my EO or Erectile Overfunction. I swear to god a breeze goes by…hell I think about a breeze going by and I am fully erect and ready to go. I put my suitcase in my hut, contacted Hef on the Satellite phone to let him know I had arrived and went out to meet my crew.
There were four of them and they all pledged to do whatever it took to complete my mission. I quickly learned the girl I was looking for was named Ling Zao Pang and according to the boys she was every bit as attractive as the rumors made her out to be. We set out right away to find her.
When we got to her village it was just a matter of moments before I found her. One of my crew, Tanka, was a translator. We introduced ourselves; I explained who I represented and why I was there. I was disappointed when she flat out refused to appear nude in an American magazine.
We left and returned to our village. I knew I would have to contact Hef, but I wasn’t ready to disappoint him yet. I decided to go into the local bar and have a few drinks. I was six shots in when Liu, another member of my crew came running in. “Sir E-Rokk, a messenger from Ling Zao Pang is here. He requests that we return with him to her straight away. I slammed down six more shots and we were off.
By the time we got back to her village I was more than hammered and was a little worried about what I might say. As soon as we entered her hut she demanded everyone but myself and Tanka left . Once everyone cleared out she began, “Though I am still unsure about appearing nude I have decided I will do it on some conditions. First, I am given a green card so that I never have to return to this place, the sweltering hot asshole of the world. Second, I want to make sure my village is cared for. Our main source of income is bootleg dvds. If you can bring me a bootleg of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for my village to sell we would become the most powerful economic force in the region, I would happily return to the U.S. with you.
Being that I was piss drunk I agreed to her terms. I realized on the drive back to our village as I was sobering up just exactly what I had agreed too. “Damn it’ was all I could think. I called Hef told him I needed two tickets to Nicasio, California so I could rip off the film from Skywalker Ranch, not to be at all confused with the plot of Fanboy.
We touched down stateside lat Saturday afternoon, Hef had one of his assistants meet me with my standard home invasion kit and a box truck with an Argo 6X6.We arrived just outside Skywalker Ranch, I fired up the 6X6 and began my assault on the property. According to some blueprints I downloaded from a geeky message board there was a secret entrance about 3 clicks south of the main house. I found the location and sure enough there was an old tree stump sitting right where it was supposed to be. I pulled down on the branch sticking out of it as per the instructions and a cleverly disguised panel opened. There was a key pad and after I put in the code a giant rock that was blocking the entrance moved out of the way.
I slowly walked into the long dark corridor. There was a torch on the wall beside it, so I grabbed it and pushed on. A few yards in I came to a giant pit, much like the one at the beginning of Raiders. If only I had a whip. I did however have a rope and grappling hook. I tossed it across the pit and hooked on to a loose tree root. I pulled the rope tight and tied it off on my end. I walked across the rope and continued on my way.
After an entire series of booby traps I finally gained access to the main house. The place was entirely empty, not one trace of human life anywhere. Bonus, this would be like taking candy from a baby. As they had served me well to this point I continued to follow the downloaded instructions. At this rate I would have the movie and be back in Bhutan within twelve hours.
I arrived at the vault, put in the combination and to my surprise the door flung open. I stepped into the vault and was sure this was going to be the easiest mission I had ever been on. That of course is where the bottom fell out…literally. The vault door closed locking me in and the vault floor opened up causing me to drop at least 100 feet straight down. I hit the ground and passed out. When I came too, the first thing I noticed was that I had a few broken ribs and the worst headache of my life. The second thing I noticed was a man holding a spear to my head.
“So, you came to steal the master’s work did you? Master says I am to kill any invaders with out pity!” My mind began racing at the speed of light, I reached in my pocket, grabbed a can of mace and sprayed the strange looking man in the face. I took his spear and smacked him in the head with the handle. When he was on his knees I put the tip to his throat and demanded he yield.
He surrendered and I tossed the spear away. “You spared my life in a far contest, and now my life belongs to you.” I nodded and said, “I have only two questions, where is the master copy of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and what is your name?”. Then strange little man looked up and me and said while he stood, “My name is El Extraño El Guapo and the master…I mean, mister Lucas keeps the master copy on his person at all times. Currently he is in Prypiat in the Ukraine shooting the sequel to Willow.”
I was just stunned with two pieces of information I thought I would never hear. First, El Extraño said his last name was El Guapo, could he be one of El Caliente’s brothers? Second and perhaps more disturbing, Lucas was making a sequel to Willow. Apparently he did plan to ass rape the legend of every movie he ever made. I looked back at El Extraño and said “Prypiat, that was the site of the Chernobyl disaster wasn’t it? This is worse than I thought.” I figured it would be best to reveal my connection to his brother at another time. He agreed to get me close to Lucas so I could get my hands on the master copy and we were off to the Ukraine.
When we arrived in the Ukraine El Extraño made a few phone calls and explained to Lucas that I was an investor interested in making four prequels and two sequels to Howard the Duck and could easily be attached to an American Graffiti prequel project. At hearing this Lucas began to scream like a hairy, fat throated little girl exclaiming, “My dreams come true…bring him out right away.”
We found our way to the location of the shoot and I was introduced to the man himself. I was washed over by strange feelings. First, this was the man that gave us “A New Hope”, “The Empire Strikes Back”, “Return of the Jedi”, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “Temple of Doom”, “The Last Crusade”, and “Willow”, hell I even liked the two Ewok movies and “Howard the Duck” . At the same time this was the same heartless bastard that expected us to enjoy “THX 1138” and the three Star Wars prequels, I mean he WAS the person the spawned Jar Jar Binks. I wanted to hug him and kill him all that the same time, but this was going to take finesse.
I spent the day with George, talking about all of his films, stroking his ego, complimenting his beard and sarcastically telling him how much I loved the special edition releases of the original trilogy, and how innovative it was to add a cgi dance seen to “Jedi”. I almost vomited in my mouth as I said it, but the trick worked, he instantly befriended me and trusted me.
That night as he slept I crept into his room and removed the master copy of “IJATKOTCS” from around his neck and snuck back out. I must have triggered something because by the time I hit the hallway alarms were ringing, lights were flashing and “guards” were pouring out of every room. El Extraño and I made our way to the parking lot but before we could get to the car there was a flash of flannel and beard hair and George Lucas was standing before us.
With out thinking I broke the antenna off the car and began swinging at him. He broke off his own antenna and we were soon engaged in an epic duel. I must admit I was impressed by his agility. He moved quickly for a man in his 60’s. El Extraño fired up the car as we continued swinging at one another. El Extraño came driving at us at full speed. I opened the door and I jumped in and we were off. George Lucas stood in the parking lot cursing my name.
El Extraño and I caught another flight back to Bhutan and it was then I informed him that I knew his brother El Caliente. I then had to inform him that his beloved brother was dead. He was heart broken, but was happy to know that in the end he had friends as good as the staff of Hey Stupid. I then told him after all this was over he was welcome to join our staff in his brother’s stead and he quickly agreed.
After a final trip to Ling Zao Pang’s village, we made a copy of the master dvd so the villagers could begin bootlegging it and she prepared for her trip to America. We got back to L.A. early Monday morning and proceeded directly to The Mansion. I took Ling to meet Hef, got a quick shower and said my farewells. El Extraño and I got back to the HSHQ in the early evening to be greeted by Nick Fit informing me that Mothra ate some of my figures and that he had a crazy Vegas story for me.
I changed back into my PJs, put on my smoking jacket and slippers, grabbed another cigar from the humidor and a fresh bottle, this time of Havana Club rum and I retired to my screening room. I handed Boddington the master dvd and sat back to relax and watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This morning I woke up and mailed the master copy back to Lucas so it can be released on time for the rest of the world to see and though it wasn’t what I expected I took solace in the fact that at least I had a great adventure.