The GI Joe Movie.

Let me just say this all briefly, because I can really get long-winded in some GI Joe discussion.

Me and E-Rokk (and Noah and Cimba, probably) have been waiting for about 20 years for a GI Joe movie to be made. There were always rumors about Tom Berenger playing Duke, and that a screenplay was being developed. The time for everyone’s favorite Major League star has come and passed.

Why would they cast Tom Berenger, who even then was late 30’s? Because Tom Berenger is a man. He’s not some sissy little actor in his early to mid twenties who looks pretty and doesn’t fit the part. The teams have to be made up of MEN who are in their thirties and have been doing this for years. Rugged, terrorist fighters. Not Jude Law and Jared Leto. Off the top of my head, the person who should play Duke should be someone of similar attributes as Daniel Craig. Good looks but a little rugged, aged a little bit, and confident. Aaron Eckhart, also.

And handy with a machine gun. Not someone who is worried about getting his nails scuffed.

Sienna Miller was the first person to get signed for this cast. You know who she’s gonna play? The Baroness. Where do I even start tearing this idea limb from limb? The bitch is not tall enough. Her face is not sexy-yet-mean enough. She is not a late thirties MILF like The Baroness really is. So, because everything comes full circle, we’re back to Jude Law status, because his idiot wife was cast in this movie. You know who should play The Baroness? Catalina Cruz.

The guy who plays Heavy Duty (the Artist Formerly Known as Roadblock) is Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. He was in the Bourne Identity, and he looks the part and will be fine. He was on ‘Lost’ too, I think. I’d be happy to see Terry Crews here, too, but I think highly enough of both of these guys to want them in this cast in some capacity. But to be honest, I want my villains to be hard as hell, so figure out a way to get Crews on Cobra’s side.

The director is Stephen Sommers. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. This is the same idiot who butchered Van Helsing, and if you haven’t seen Deep Rising, go rent it just so you can watch the scene where the computer shark jumps out of the water and grabs a guy. It’s probably the worst scene I’ve ever had the displeasure to sit through. How can this guy even get work in Hollywood after watching that shark scene and thinking “keep that, its sweet”.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is “in negotiations” for this “film” as well. I don’t dislike this kid. He’s ‘whatever’. But who the hell is he going to play? Cobra Commander? Jesus lord almighty, please don’t let that happen. Look, you have got to make the villains be smart, slightly older, mean looking people. That have to be believable. I have been having a strong feeling that this version of “Cobra”, in the film, will have Arab leanings. I’m very okay with that. But the guy who needs to play Cobra Commander is Peter Stormare.

With The Baroness, comes Destro. Has to be able to pull off a Scottish accent, and have larger than average muscle size. Should also be in early 40’s, at the very youngest.

A guy named Saïd Taghmaoui is supposed to play “Breaker”. Who the fuck is Breaker? This guy looks mean enough and agile enough to be Firefly.

Ray Park, aka Toad from X-Men, is supposed to play Snake-Eyes. He’s a white guy. I would have really liked it if they would have cast a black dude for this role and confirmed the rumors that Snake-Eyes was black. The character doesn’t speak. If that’s the case, and you need hotties to sell tickets, cast Tyrese.

And to top off an awesome ensemble, they cast Marlon Wayans. This is a very blatant way to prove to everybody that this movie is a huge piece of shit. Marlon Wayans, dude.

Cobra is a terrorist organization. In the comics and cartoons, they have super high-tech technology and weapons systems. That is absolutely retarded. The GI Joes should be the ones with the super high-tech weapons and great technology. Cobra should an organization that acts like Al-Quaida. I’ve been saying this for years, way before 9-11, and I was always irritated about Cobra’s weaponry and weapon attainment. I understand that the Crimson Guard and Evil Twins are financial geniuses, but come on. You gotta draw the line someplace. They have too much shit.

Seriously. I know that super tanks and crazy helicopters sell toys, but give me a break. I’m tired of constant suspension of reality in order to make villains appear threatening.

Other than that, this movie will be as bad and as cupcake as the Transformers movie, which was pathetic. I realize that it was a comic and a cartoon, but that age demographic is now mid-twenties and higher. I also realize that the company has tickets to sell. How many tickets goes Joseph Gordon-Levitt bring to the table? How about Ray Park? I don’t want a goddamn PG-13 movie where they play patty-cake with the bad guys. Give me a cast of people who look the part, at least. My GI Joe movie is rated R because of the violence that would come with constant fighting of a terrorist organization that will not quit. You don’t know where their funding comes from. You are constantly paranoid and looking over your own shoulder at your supposed allies. There are Cobra agents working in the government, but you don’t know who they are. It would be the non-stop battle in the minds of the Joes over morals and ethics as they fight an enemy that has neither. I want Guantanamo secrecy and a lot of rule-breaking in order to find out what is going on. What does this all sound like? Do you see the genius yet?

2 responses to “The GI Joe Movie.

  1. I am sick all over the place about this movie. I hate the fact that it is a “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity” instead of the “Real American Hero”.

    The first casting call I would have made would to have been to cast Vinnie Jones as Destro and I sure as fuck would have found a role for Gary Busey.

    I realize that a lot of people are going to come out swinging against this movie the way I did against the transformers flick because it flat out rapes the beloved cartoons and comics, but my thoughts on it are as follows:

    I am cool with them making it different from the cartoon, I always felt that the mid 80’s COBRA was based more off the Soviet Union than groups like the Basques and such. I understand that the general mindset of the populace has changed and having a super enemy like that rather than a true terroristic threat would be cheesy. I am even o.k. if they cut back on the over the top weapons, yes they are kick ass in the cartoons and comics and yes they made for great toys, but I think in a live action movie they would come off as cheesy and lets not forget “Doom”.

    What I am not cool with is a douche bag combo of writers, director, studio heads and marketing ass wipes pussying up the Joes. The reason Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity upsets me is because it sounds more like they are trying to turn them more into a NATO then a special forces group. I’m sorry, maybe this makes me sound exactly like the cock I am but G.I. Joe should be riding a red white and blue horse of superpatriotisim while Slayer covers the “Star Spangled Banner” and trying to shove an American flag up your ass.

    I believe DB properly covered the current actual cast picks, lets talk about mine and why they are better.

    Dial Tone:Justin Long
    Duke: Daniel Craig (or George Clooney)
    Dusty: Thomas Jane
    Flint: Clive Owen
    Hawk:Viggo Mortensen
    Road Block: Michael Clarke Duncan

    As far as the Cobra side goes, my pick for Vinnie Jones as Destro has already been stated, I think Willem Dafoe would be the greatest Cobra Commander of all time Dr. Mindbender would be a cool role for Paul Giamatti (see shoot em up for his ability to play a bad guy) Tomax and Xamot could just be Jeremy Piven with a cgi twin.

    I haven’t decided on who they should play yet, but Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Jean Reno, Tim Roth, Bruce Willis and Danny Trejo should all have roles

    I realize I left a lot of characters and actors out of this, but I am begining to shake in the throes of need for a mescaline fix so I am going to wrap this up.

    My final thought on this for today is, If they are planing on raping my childhood, at least give me a reach around and show me a “And Knowing Is Half The Battle” during the closing credits.

  2. You know, my first thoughts about this was…please…NO.I’m guessing it’s going to be like Transformers…LOOSELY based on G.I. Joe. Though you never know, Michael Bay has nothing to do with this one…hopefully like E-Rokk said…they don’t rape my childhood…again.Seems thats all they do lately is rape it and make money off of it.I could get into a long drawn out discussion about this as well…but i’m not going too.

    But i’m sure as time passes, i will complain more and more.

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