3:10 to Euless.

In the remake of the 1969 feature starring RUSTY MITCHELL and his friend ZUGGO, or whatever the hell that guy’s name is, I always forget it. He lives in Houston I think, and he always BRINGS A BUNCH OF BEER WITH HIM every time he comes to visit.

In this classic remake of a classic original, a happily married man (Front Top, ‘Park of the Chimps’) one day wakes up with all kinds of crazy ideas in his head. He starts to live by an outlaw code, standing behind his new motto of “Cooked food makes you fat.” But he doesn’t stop there. He goes as far as to criminalize not only cooked food, but also meat in general. As is fact, real men eat meat.

But the story goes back to when this travelling, bucktoothed guitar wizard (Yes, Traffic, J. Geils Band) told ol’ Front Top that THIS guy:

…lost a ton of weight on a raw foods diet, turning him into THIS guy:

One man, a handsome, dimpled Yankee gentleman of superior character, is hired by a group of good, strong Texas folk to stop Ol’ Front Top from eating all the grass in the front yard. But Decibel is too late. Not only has Front Top grazed all the grass in his own yard, he has also grazed on all the grass in Jack and Dottie’s (neighbors) yard as well. He even went so far as to chew a path of raw grass destruction all the way over to that drug dealer kid’s house with the aluminum foil on the windows. Once Decibel reached Lee Drive and realized the size of the problem, he decided to give up and ask Front Top if he wanted to go to Pizza Garden. After assuring Frontie that there was a non-cooked, non-meat salad bar, they hop on an old locomotive and head to Hurst. Or is it Bedford? No one can really tell.

But something happens on the way to Pizza Garden, in that old coal-eatin’ locomotive. Decibel is suddenly struck with the prospect of Front Top eating all the spinach in the cooler, insuring that there wouldn’t be any spinach pizza on the buffet. Powerful forces are at play in Decibel’s wild, uncontrollable, Yankee head.

What transpires is an epic struggle for survival, both men pushing their pain limitations to the point of ultimate extinction as the train gets closer to Pizza Garden’s magical buffet. With blood-loss and broken bones at an all time human record, can either of these starving characters get there in time, and if they do, will they have the strength to eat the spinach?

In addition to two Academy Award worthy performances by Front Top and Brom Bones, the cast is aided by two local, Euless favorites.

What role will Rick Ochet play in this battle? Is he a loyal brother and helper of the raw foods diet? Or has he been contacted secretly by Decibel to race to Pizza Garden and hide all the spinach?

What role will President Rutherford B. Hayes play in all of this, as his Presidential train is about to collide head-on with the Pizza Garden gang?

Will the President’s bodyguard Nevin Kash be able to stop the trains with his mind?

Only time will tell who ultimately wins… Time, that is, before they all DIE.

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