Which One of You Assholes Called Kevin Hart?

From Rivals.com…

It was a typical occurrence in today’s recruiting world: A big lineman from a small high school holds a news conference to announce where he will play college football.

Two local TV stations showed up to film the event, and a majority of the students at the school turned out to watch.

But there was one problem when Kevin Hart, a 6-foot-4, 304-pounder from Fernley (Nev.) High, chose California on Friday: Cal never officially offered a scholarship. In fact, it appears no one from the school ever talked with Hart.

The situation now is such that Fernley High coach Mark Hodges told BearTerritory.net – a Web site that covers Cal sports – that the matter is “being investigated by law enforcement.”

At Friday’s announcement, Hart told those assembled that he and Cal coach Jeff Tedford had “talked a lot, and the fact that the head coach did most of the recruiting of me kind of gave me the real personal experience.”

In a Jan. 23 story in the Reno (Nev.) Gazette-Journal, Hart – who while possessing good size, isn’t considered a top prospect; he lacks quickness and upper-body strength – said he was considering Oregon, Washington and Illinois and had recently spoken by phone with new Texas A&M coach Mike Sherman.

But BearTerritory.net reported that the Cal staff has had no contact with Hart or Hodges and that Hart hasn’t been on a recruiting trip to any school.

The Nevada Interscholastic Athletics Association is looking into the matter as well, and executive director Eddie Bonine told the Gazette-Journal, “It could be that someone was impersonating those schools.”

Hodges told bearterritory.net that he had been in discussions about the Hart matter with other school officials and with school-district representatives.


So who could it be? Who is dastardly enough to do such a thing? I have narrowed and whittled, narrowed, and then whittled again. Then I had to whittle again, and then narrow, then narrow a tiny bit while I also whittled. This is the list I have compiled of possible suspects, who have the time to devote to this tragedy, for the private detectives and US Marshals (Tommy Lee Jones, in particular) that subscribe to my blogs.

Let’s take a look.

Like cavemen discovering fire, Faith discovers heat.

– When Faith isn’t reproducing asexually in a swimming pool filled with his own eggs and larvae, what is he doing? That’s a good question. He supposedly has a job with the state correctional institution outside of Pittsburgh. Could Faith have finally snapped and started calling this kid? It could be. It is possible that Faith has talked everyone’s ear off to the point where he had to call a random person and just start talking. In order to keep the person interested, did Faith have to portray himself as Cal head-coach Jeff Tedford? Major suspect.

“Ahhh, fuckin’ Honeywell, buddy.”

– What has Groz done since Honeywell said, “Hasta la vista, Grozzy”? He’s been online hangin’ out and livin’ la vida loca out there in the land of the rising sun. It is very Goz-like for him to potentially call some fat kid and tell him to go play for Cal. But see, it’s not the Cal in California. Groz was recruiting this kid to play for Groz’s own alma-mater, Cal U., in western PA. I can definitely see him calling this kid at 4 in the morning and recruiting him. It’s like the old McWorld commercials used to say, “Hey, it could happen.” Groz is a major suspect.

“It’s like I always say, dude… Cooked food makes you fat.”

– Dolan has so many psychological problems that I don’t know if he could recruit a player and not, at the same time, tell that kid how bad he sucks. After receiving a PhD in shit-talking from pretty much any institution he wants, Dolan continues his crusade of ruining everyone’s days. I question if he has it in him to follow through with a lengthy recruiting of a kid in Nevada, but since I have moved away, he DOES have a lot of free time now to explore his own madness. Major suspect.

“Ahhh, fuckin’ Fidelity, buddy.”

– Did the pressure finally get to ol’ DB and crack his walls? 24 straight hours of recruiting updates was not enough for DB, so he had Rene rig up an IV with a guitar plug, and jam it straight into DB’s temple. After the initial shock and blood loss, the IV (connected to a Rivals.com insider database) shots thousands of player video clips and insider analysis information straight into DB’s skull, replacing all childhood memories and recollection of his family. He clearly has the time to recruit this kid. He is a major suspect.

“I don’t understand it, all of a sudden I really like Syracuse.”

– Marriage will do strange things to you, and there’s little less evidence of that than Front Top’s new “cooked meat makes you fat” diet plan. He has eaten nothing but oranges for over 270 days now, and is starting to looking like the Human Torch only a lot less hot and a lot more rine-y. Nicknamed Kid Tangerine by the local fruit market owners, Front Top one day aspires to eat all the grass in his yard, then go on to eat all the bananas in Central America, hoping this will kill off the last of the testosterone left in his body. With a bum foot to boot (no pun intended, yes, there is) Front Top has had plenty of time to stew in his own madness while his dogs ate all the couch stuffing and farted in the living room, clouding his head with broccoli and flatulence. He is a major suspect.

The only known picture of Paul Burris’ ill-fated run as drum tech for ENUFF Z’NUFF. Notice Cuban groupie as she clings to his coat-tails.

– A man who enjoys the angry side of life, Paul Burris has been all quiet on the Western front (even though I live East of him) for a little while. But is everything as quiet as it really seems, or is Paul Burris using this fat kid in Nevada as a way to make a triumphant comeback, in the same kind of way that Hitler made a comeback when he beat Sonny Liston at WrestleMania VII? Sometimes I confuse Hitler with Hulk Hogan, and coincidentally also confuse Sonny Liston with Sgt. Slaughter. Major suspect.

“You gotta lose your virginity to make your virginity.”

– What better way to make a huge recruiting splash than to undermine your competition? After receiving his NCAA knighthood when he was awarded the head-coaching job at the University of Michigan, Cimba was on a quest to find those players out there who “have it but don’t know it yet”. Living an alternative, sinful lifestyle can have its downsides (you’ll be in Hell with the rest of your gay buddies) but it has elevated Cimba to new heights with his coaching career. Did Shamus undermine the Cal recruiting class by contacting this kid as Jeff Tedford? Does Cimba see something he “wants” with this young, black, impressionable teen, and will swoop in at the last minute and say “They’ll never love you like I can”? Major suspect.


Will Tommy Lee Jones be able to find the mastermind behind this scheme before he is forced to make a ‘Man of the House’ sequel? Stay tuned to find out.

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