As was reported by JMB and a very disappointed Groz, Kevin Hart has admitted that he faked his whole recruitment.
But, us here at the ASSociated Press are not as quick to put this in the past as the jackasses at ESPN and around the rest of our good, strong college football nation.
There were a lot of suspects that were coincidentally NOT on the list that I provided for Tommy Lee Jones. Some of these names range from the wild and free Amber Mylam all the way to the Indiana cornfields of Clark the Scholar. Somehow, Dan Stonerook was absent from condemnation. As was Chernobyl, Sleepyface Bodenschatz, President Rutherford B. Nasty, Insane Letty, Old Man Mitchell, Fisch Bulb and his Oklahoma Prize (once you go Oklahoman you never go back), Kud, a very shady and supernatural Leo Barkley, and Dem Miller Boyz pictured below.
Also missing from the list, Tommy Lee Jones has pointed out, is TURBO E-ROKK CROYLE, self-proclaimed East Conemaugh Wrestling Alliance interscholastic 9th grade TV champion, and supposed air-guitar god of the Badlands. I think Martin Sheen and Bruce Springsteen may have something to say about that, as would Crazy Horse if he was trying to pretend he was the air-peacepipe god of the same area.
We are looking at a word here, folks, and that word is CONSPIRACY. Where did this conspiracy originate, you ask? I will tell you. It originated when Croyle and the rest of the Brotherhood of Mutants members listed above were strangely absent from that list. A little TOO absent. Tommy Lee Jones pointed the finger at ME for covering up for some of you people. This is what was waiting for me today:
That’s right, angry and condescending Tommy Lee Jones. “You’re covering up for them folk, DB. Ol’ Chicken McMasters out there in Van Zant County, he had a sledgehammer. And he took that sledge and he whacked a cow in the head with it. Killed that damn cow on the spot. Then the lawgivers all come down and say you ain’t a-posed’ to kill them cattle with a sledge no more. So ol’ Cow grabs a bolt pistol with an air tank attached to it, and he kills that chicken. Wait, I meant Ol’ Chicken, and he killed the cow. Hang on. Yeah, that’s right now. I had ’em backwards. Wait. Okay, Ol’ Cow, no… no, Ol’ Chicken. Okay. As I was sayin’… Ol’ Chicken McMasters shot that cow in the head and then the cow goes nuts and chews his arm off. To this day, he still can’t lift that arm. I guess cause the cow tore it off, I dunno.”
I stood there and blinked.
“Goddamn cows are chewin’ up everything. There’s fuckin’ aliens all over the place.”
I rubbed my imaginary beard.
“Then the son of a bitch jumped off that dam and we never did catch him.” I ask, “Horrison Fard?” “Yeah. Somethin’ like that. Goddamn aliens and Indiana Jones. I reckon I don’t understand this world no more, DB.” I said, “Times are a changin’, Tommy Lee Jones. Son of a bitch Chicken Fard walks right into that temple and tears that guy’s heart out. I mean, what kind of a person goes back into the same temple and tears out the same guy’s heart after he just had surgery to get it put back in his chest?” Tommy Lee Jones shook his head, “I guess I just about don’t understand it. I had a dream last night. My daddy and me were runnin’ in an old-timey marathon on a beach, and Chariots of Fire was playing. Then my daddy gone on ahead and made a fire in the sand. I knew he was up there waitin’ for me, buildin’ a castle in low tide. Some day that castle is gonna be washed away. Yessir, someday that castle is gonna be washed away.” I didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about, so I just got in the car and figured if this guy is gonna kill me, then fucking get it over with.
See, Tommy Lee Jones was losing his goddamn mind. He had orchestrated a large conspiracy and was now becoming frayed at the ends, in his brain. Let me tell you something, you look back at the records of the Kennedy assassination. Who do you see? Tommy Lee Jones. Who did Tommy Lee Jones and Joe Pesci hire to kill Kennedy? Lee Harvey Oswald. Now tell me if these pictures aren’t eerily similar.
Before he admitted his guilt, Kevin Hart was heard yelling, “I’M JUST A PATSY!!!” That’s the same goddamn thing that Lee Harvey Oswald yelled after he shot Lincoln. I mean seriously, do you not see how I am right about all of this? How much more evidence do you want? Croyle called Kevin Hart and acted like he was Joe Pesci. THEN, Tommy Lee Jones tried to get ME off his trail!!!! They’re all in this together. Now, add in the Jews and the fucking Reptilians and look at THIS:
It’s all tied together!!!! Don’t you people see it yet? I mean, look! Kevin Hart is in the fuckin Illuminati!!!!!!!!