I harness the power from Scout.com and Rivals.com.
Being a college football recruiting mastermind takes it’s toll on even the strongest college football recruiting mastermind. Sometimes, you need to just detox from a heavy day of MySpace and grilled chicken breasts and 24 hour recruiting information. The way I like to “let my hair down” from such a stressful day is by going to Family Video and renting 60 movies a week. They know me by name, for real. I probably go in there on average 4 times a week, and each time I leave, I am carrying no less than 7 DVD’s. The selection is, as I admit, starting to run a little thin over there, because I can almost guarantee I have seen more movies since December than most people see in 15 years.
Last night, I was browsing the titles when this caught my eye:
“FROM THE DIRECTOR OF ‘TOMBSTONE’ AND ‘COBRA’.”
StalloneZone.com features a lot of good fan-art.
Okay, well, ‘Tombstone’ has been heralded as one of the best Westerns ever made since the day it got released, and I’ve seen it probably 10 times and agree with the hype. ‘Cobra’, on the other hand, is watchable only because of Stallone, and even with me being a big 80’s Action lover, ‘Cobra’ still kinda sucks. But I digress. I figured, this guy did ‘Tombstone’ and ‘Cobra’, so I’m gonna check this movie out.
It starred Peter Weller (RoboCop), who is a good, strong UNT alum like me and Stone Cold. The cover was black and had a house on it, and looked like it was probably a horror movie, or at least a thriller. The movie was called ‘Of Unknown Origin’, and the back of the DVD also led me down a path of lies.
Oh, I got a thriller all right. And, coincidentally, a horror movie as well. After a very long 30-45 mins. of nothing happening, Peter Weller finds a rat in his toilet. For the next 5 hours, he chases the rat around the house and tries to kill it. The rat is tearing shit up all over the place. There is loud, dramatic music that is trying to convince me that this rat is a killing machine and I need to be worried for Peter Weller’s sad life. RoboCop even tries to call an exterminator to come over, but they can’t kill the rat. Then there was a little kid in his kitchen for no reason, making a bowl of God’s Cereal (I wish God made all cereal like this and made little kids eat it) which was a big bowl of HALF AND HALF and RAT POISON. I guess the kid is dead? I don’t know, because he fucking disappeared for an hour.
Then Peter Weller went down in the basement and pounded a bunch of nails into a wooden bat. This will be his weapon of choice, after the training montage I just witnessed, where he was punching bags and doing ninja kicks in preparation for this fight. Please keep in mind that this movie is very serious and not a comedy.
“HOW DO I TRAIN FOR THIS FIGHT? DO I CLIMB THE TALLEST BUILDING AND JUMP OFF? DO I LAY IN THE YARD AND LET THEM RUN OVER ME WITH LAWNMOWERS?”
The next thing you know, Peter Weller is in the basement with a coal miner’s helmet and his nail bat, swinging at everything in sight, hoping desperately that he’ll hit this damn rat. Then they are fighting all through the house and he is smashing everything in a wild orgy of rat pounding masturbation. He doesn’t hit shit.
There are so many shots during all of this where he is just swinging that bat around smashing shit, and the rat isn’t even in the goddamn room.
Then the rat is dead and Peter Weller realizes that he destroyed his house in the conquest. My question is, does the end justify the means, Peter Weller?
At the conclusion of all of this, RoboCop is standing outside the house and a taxi pulls up. Out jumps that fucking kid and that’s the end of the movie. I immediately went into the bathroom and smashed my sink by beating my face off of it until the porcelein shattered.