Culinary Quickies Part 1

There are few things more impressive to a woman than a man who knows what he is doing in the kitchen. However, most of you probably think that means not burning the microwave popcorn. If you want to be able to impress a woman (say the first time she comes to your home) without actually having to do anything, your kitchen should be your staging ground.

1) Buy a spice rack. I know it sounds simple, perhaps even lame, but do it. In a lot of cases you can pick up a really cool looking spice rack anywhere from Wal*Mart to Bed, Bath and Beyond for under $35. In most cases it will come preloaded with spices which will help to make it look like you know how to cook. The biggest benefit is that all of these spices are more dried out than that “older woman” you picked up at the seniors cocktail mixer, so you can just let them sit for years to come.

2)Never EVER used canned pepper. I know growing up you thought your grandparent’s matching salt and pepper shakers were the norm, and I also know that you can purchase around a metric ton of ground black pepper for $1.50, but believe me when I say this has NEVER gotten anyone laid. Instead, go out and find a pepper mill. I recommend actually putting a few minutes of thought into this. Wooden ones are classy, but the down side is a lot of them are penis shaped, and though you do want her thinking about sliding down your love thumper, you don’t want her to think you’re coming at her with a two foot dildo in a candle lit kitchen.

3)BUY FRESH GARLIC. Everyone loves garlic. Everyone. If they don’t they are a fucking vampire and you don’t want to deal with that kind of shit anyway. My recommendation would be to by a string of garlic cloves and hang it somewhere fairly obvious in your kitchen, but not anywhere that steam (say from boiling water) can get to it and make your entire place reek like a Guido’s wet dream.

4) Have the tools to get the job done. Even though in the case the “job to be done” is “tappin’ dat ass” having the proper kitchen utensils on display will ensure that outcome. Anyone can put some utensils in a jar on the counter, but that isn’t necessarily going to “moisten up her velvet cake” if you know what I mean. You want her to think you are a skilled chef that pays attention to detail and can satisfy her in more than one way (since more than likely you can’t even satisfy her in that one way). I recommend the following kitchen utensils as standard:

A) A good knife set with sharpening steel in a wooden storage block. Nothing says “I know that mixing different flavors of Ramen noodles together doesn’t make a stew” like a good sturdy set of knives.

B) A ladle, spaghetti server, slotted spoon, at least two wooden spoons of different sizes, steel spoon, cooking fork and a straight spatula. Aside from the straight spatula, most people will be able to identify all of these kitchen tools, and if your display is missing any of them it will look a little strange. Unless otherwise stated do not have more than one of the aforementioned utensils as it will look like you are trying to hard to fill the display. The straight spatula, aside from being a useful tool, is not something the average person has in the possession and therefore will make it look as though you possess superior culinary knowledge.

C) A set whisks in varying sizes. Never underestimate the magic of having various sizes of whisks. Trust me. Just whisk it…and whisk it good.

D) The creme de la creme, the Pièce de résistance of kitchen tools is the wooden tenderizing mallet. I don’t know what it is about this little hammer that is spikey on one side that screams “I am the king of the kitchen”, but it does. Any woman that has spent more time in her kitchen than what it takes to reheat a Happymeal, knows what one of these babies is, but more than likely she has never used one and will be impressed with your ownership of it. Besides, no one is going to believe that you are really using all of that garlic if you don’t have one of these to smash the clove open.

 

Well kids, that does it for today’s “Culinary Quickies” good luck.

P.S. No matter how tempted you are DO NOT smack her ass with the straight spatula unless she asks.

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