So, now it is time to teach all of you out there how to properly dress yourselves. Here is the issue, there are a lot of different styles and trends out there, different types of clothing required for different types of jobs, and of course social situations that can affect one’s opinion of how to dress.
Here is how I am going to break it down, if your job requires specialized clothing (I am not talking about your Wendey’s uniform, get a real fucking job ass hole) say if you’re a welder, machinist, garbageman, etc., then I am going to assume you already know how to appropriately dress for that job or you would have probably been fired by now. Also, I am going to let social situations out of it. If you don’t know by now that you shouldn’t wear jeans to a funeral, or that your old tuxedo shirt is acceptable formal attire, then short of beating in your skull with a hammer there is nothing I can do for you.
First, let me say, I have no problems with jeans and t-shirts, I own and wear many myself, but keep in mind if you are going to dress like its the weekend all the time, don’t expect your clothes to do anything for other than covering your nasty naked ass. Second, I will also say the whole metrosexual trend of the earlier part of the decade is probably safe to disregard. Not to say they didn’t start off on the right path, washing yourself daily, shaving, moisturizing, styling your hair and dressing well are all good things, you just don’t have to walk that fine line between pussy dunker and ass spelunker to get the same effect. Shall we begin?
First off, make friends with at least three girls and a gay man, you’ll need their help for this. Start by taking all of your clothes out of your closet and piling them on your bed. One by one pull up each article of clothing and ask your four friends “Would you fuck me if I wore this”, if any of them say no, trash it. Now, I will give you six vetoes. For the purposes of remaining an individual and who you truly are you can keep up to six items of clothes that you should otherwise throw away. The rule here is though, try not to wear any of those items to any places you actually want to impress people.
Once you have tossed all of your clothing, it is time to go shopping. Now, as I mentioned previously, one of the problems with clothing is “fashion”. I am going to simplify all of that for you. Fuck all that. Here is what you are going to purchase.
Two pairs of black slacks
One pair of gray slacks
One pair of tan slacks
One pair of navy or other colored slacks
Ten button down shirts, long sleeved only, French cuffs
One black suit
One tan or Grey suit
One navy suit
One pair black shoes
One pair brown shoes
14-20 Ties to correspond with all of the possible outfit combinations
14 pairs of socks, generally match them to your new ties
Four sets of suspenders
Underwear and Undershirts, but you should be able to pick those on your own at this point.
Now here are the rules for your new clothing, never ever wear the pants from a suit without the blazer, that is why I instructed you to by separate pants. If you wear your suit pants more than your sport coat they will become slightly mis-matched in color and look like shit. When wearing your suit jacket ALWAYS leave the bottom button unbuttoned. You don’t want to look like a fucking dolt do you?
The reason why all of your shirts should be long sleeved with French cuffs is because a)No one is cooler than the dude who wears cuff links, b) long sleeves look better. If it gets too hot, roll the sleeves up to just above your elbow, it will be comfortable and it still looks good.
Never ever wear brown socks with black shoes or vice versa, you’ll look like a fucking mo. On second thought never wear your brown shoes or socks with anything black, ever.
Learn how to tie a “full Windsor” tie knot and never tie anything else. You are going to want to wear a tie every day, even if your job doesn’t require it, trust me, it will make all the women notice you. If you want to spice it up a little, unbutton your top shirt button and loosen the tie about a 1/4 inch.
Never wear a belt again. You’re a big boy now, pay the extra $5 bucks a pair to get your pants tailored if you have to, and wear only suspenders. Trust me. Wearing a belt with slacks makes you look like your mommy dressed you up for school pictures. Suspenders on the other hand are sliming, they make your chest appear more muscular and they are just all around fucking classy. Even if your slacks are tailored to fit, wear the fucking suspenders. Jerk.
Now, everone is different, but my general rule of thumb is, Monday through Friday, any hours that you are out of your house, you should follow these rules for dressing. These rules should even be followed in social settings on the weekend. No one ever looks bad in nice clothes.
Beyond all of this, sweaters and sweater vests are optional. I usually stick to form fitting turtlenecks or a nice sweater vest, but that is really up to you. If you don’t feel confident picking a sweater or don’t think you can pull one off skip it all together. You don’t want to look like a fuck shit do you?
Finally keep your shoes polished at all times. Nothing can ruin a well composed outfit faster than shitty looking shoes.
As far as jewelry goes, my rule is no more than two rings per hand, a watch is REQUIRED, a bracelet on the other wrist (something nice, not something a mobster would wear…also not a friendship bracelet) is also acceptable. Earrings are o.k. if you like them. I wouldn’t go larger than 6 gauge if you can avoid it. Other than that remove all your piercings. You’re wearing your fucking big boy clothes now, don’t let your pin cushion face ruin your look, ass hole.
Once again, evenings and weekends are your time, where what ever the hell you want. Just remember, no one ever wants to fuck the guy in the Dale Jr. shirt.