They say bad things always happen in threes: ‘3’s Company’ got taken off the air, 3-headed Hydra terrorized Greece, and the ‘3 Ninjas’ cut me out of the film because of budget restrictions and cowardice.
(I was the fourth ninja, and coincidentally, the fourth and often rumored additional Beatle)
Well, today, bad things happened in three’s, again.
ACT ONE: “I Rent Movies from Redbox”
Scene 1: I drive to Albertson’s, ready to return the movies I rented the night before, for a grand total of 2 dollars.
Picked up ‘3:10 to Yuma’ (Bollywood knock-off of my hit ‘3:10 to Euless’) and also a foreign film about the conquering of the Aztecs called ‘The Other Conquest’. I admit I haven’t watched it yet, and I will NOT admit that I do not know if it is actually about the Aztecs, but I will go on record to say that it is.
Scene 2: I realize that renting movies from a red box in the middle of a grocery store is probably an immense clusterfuck.
Although a fun idea at the time, it starts to dawn on me, while walking to the grocery store, that these Redbox jiggers have not been around all that long. And as we all know, there is no shortage of companies who rush their product out there before the bugs have been worked out fully. I get inside the store and feel my power drain.
Scene 3: I choke-down feelings of homicide.
I gaze at the line of assfuckers who have beaten me to the Redbox. All I have to do is return them, I say to myself. Just jump in front of these assholes and stick them in the slot. No, get in line, it won’t take long. Yes, it will. No, fuck it, you don’t do anything except buy toys on eBay. Good point. So I get in line behind about 10 idiots, naturally most of them are with others, so there is really only like 3 groups of people ahead of me.
Hundreds of hours pass by as I flop back and forth between wanting to cry and wanting to cut somebody’s head off.
Finally, a fat Mexican kid and what I guess is his fat, Mexican prize are at the Redbox, and there is merely them, and some kind of other foreign looking dude and his brat son in front of me.
Hours transpire as Chimichanga and El Gordo deliberate over what piece of shit movie they want to rent. I of course eavesdrop over their shoulders as best I can: after a very lengthy process, they pick two “films”…
“DRAGON WARZ“, some kind of Asian, animated dragon movie, and another cinema classic, the instant piece of shit “WAR” with Jason fucking Statham. I couldn’t help but throw my head back and laugh a little bit. Just let me say quickly how much I can’t stand Jason Statham. There’s no real reason behind it, I just hate his guts, and as an opinionated and ignorant (also arrogant) American asshole, I hate British accents and basically everyone in Britain except Clive Owen and Daniel Craig. I hate The Streets, I hate the Stamp Act, I hate tea and crumpets, I hate foggy weather, I hate Yes, I only like Jack the Ripper because he killed English people, I hate The English Patient (never saw it), I hate that Napoleon lost at Waterloo, I hate fucking white-boy soccer, I hate when assholes call people “wankers” or say “cheerio”, I hate Doctor Who, I hate General Montgomery, I hate Big Ben (the clock and the football player), and I hate people who act superior when all their teeth are rotten. Take a shower, then brush your teeth, and then drive on the right side of the road. Also, I like the Dynamite Kid, Davey Boy Smith, and Lord Steven Regal.
Okay, back on track, I think.
So the two Mexicans waddle away, and then I am standing there behind some sort or Armenian and his kid, or I don’t even know what the fuck they were. I only hate these people because of the kid, FYI, not because they are foreigners. Christ, I love Foreigner, for fuck’s sake. So Daddy is messing with the Redbox and taking his good old time and he is suggesting movies to his bratty son, who is like 8. The kid is basically yelling at him, “NO!” everytime the guy suggests something. He is extremely beaten down, as am I, and the kid is now fucking with the Redbox slot, sticking his hands inside it, and pulling his hands apart in what I can only assume from observation is a not-so-inconspicuous attempt to tear the goddamn thing open. Daddy finally just gets irritated and starts clicking buttons, and you can hear the inner-workings of the special Redbox machine grinding and clanging as it prepares to shoot the DVD out of it’s vagina. The kid is still jamming his hands up there, and I can’t tell you how badly I wished right then that I was Magneto and could have chopped that kid’s fingers off inside that machine. The whining, and the bitching, and then I am left with all this mental anguish. Can’t I sue parents for putting me through this? Can I sue somebody for not standing up to their 8 year old son in public? Shut that fuckin’ Armenian up, sir!
Actually, two of the three things that infuriated me today have been covered: Redbox and Jason Statham.
Now for part three: SPORTZZZZZZZ
The Dallas Mavericks decide that they need to get rid of 86 players and 46 draft picks to get a 50 year old point-guard that has 2 good years left in him. This, my friends, is a classic move by a sports organization when they realize that they are about to hit a downswing. You bring in a veteran to jumpstart shit, and it jumpstarts jack shit. What a waste of everybody’s time. Oh, hold on now… Dallas figured out that they can send Jerry Stackhouse packing, and after the 30-day clause expires, they can just resign him to Dallas! Okay, not so bad after all, right? I mean, it’s still retarded, but now it’s only PRETTY retarded. What does Jerry Stackhouse do? He fucking talks about all of this in an interview. What can you even say about this?
But what was even more ridiculous, one of the players who is supposed to be headed to NJ for Kidd is Devean George. He’s throwing a hissy-fit and is muddying this whole trade. Because I am tired, I will cut this short: Devean George should be glad he’s even on a fucking roster, period, and that New Jersey even wants him.
In conclusion, Devean George sucks, Jerry Stackhouse is an idiot, the Mavericks are never winning a championship, the Aztecs are all dead, surgical tubing is 15 bucks at Home Depot, Rene stole 140k from Tyson Foods, I bought He-Man toys and 3 GI Joes on eBay, Joe Paterno parachuted into a forest, I called Dale Jr “Dale Spermfart, Jr” and I ate all the ice cream in the fridge. Also, Grosik had sex with 2 fat girls at a party last night.
SUPER BLOG UPDATE: (6:22 AM)
It is looking like the coward of the county, Devean George, good for nothin’ degenerate, is staying with Dallas. Hooray for getting to stay someplace where you aren’t wanted. This is similar to “He Only Beats Me Because He Loves Me” mentality. You’re an asshole, Devean George, and no one likes you.
I actually forgot to mention this, as it was a key part to my sports hatred for the day. So I was driving home earlier and had the displeasure of catching the all-star radio broadcast of “Rock and the Nooge” on Sporting News Radio. First let me say that SNR is pretty worthless, and is only cool when me or Clark call Tim Montemayor to whip his redheaded ass with Rangers talk or Penn State talk. I think David Stein is an idiot, and there’s not many things worse than having to hear that background music play the whole time he’s on the air. But I digress, because neither of those blowhards are as bad as the Rock and the Nooge.
Today’s brilliant discussion was over NBA expansion. I’m pretty sure I had this talk with Frankie and Groz and pretty much everyone else at some point, and I think most of us were in agreeance. These idiots are spouting off that there needs to be NBA league expansion, and there needs to be a team in both Pittsburgh and Tampa Bay. Let’s break this down again, Wang Chung style.
First of all, there are 32 teams in the NBA. That’s 16 per conference. If you add one team, you have to add TWO teams, so there are 17 in each conference, not 16 in one and 17 in the other, so the conferences are not lopsided. Makes sense? Okay.
Secondly, there is a nice gap in overall talent dispersal between top and bottom teams in the NBA and the MLB, and I argue that it is way worse with these 2 leagues than it is with the NFL. Like it or not, kids leaving school early to play in the NBA hurts the league. They miss out on 3-4 years of experience. I don’t know how you can argue this. Look at the draft classes. There’s only ever a small amount of quality, and how can you honestly argue that more experience is a detriment to that? More teams in the league means more talent dispersal.
Thirdly, the NBA regular seasons are hard enough to watch as it is, let alone adding 2 or more new teams to the mix. Rock and the Nooge were talking about how Pittsburgh has 3 professional teams and therefore can clearly handle another. That’s the exact opposite of the truth. Interest is spread thin enough in Pittsburgh as it is, and that population gets lower every year. It’s a terrible market. The Steelers succeed because the Rooney’s knew how to make that franchise reflect the fanbase. They have always been a blue-collar franchise who mirror the people of the city. There are very, very few sports franchises like this. The Pirates have been a disaster for 15 years. Trust me, it’s a terrible idea to put a team in there right now.
Then they start talking about how it’s a great idea to add a team in Las Vegas. Well, that’s the exact opposite of the truth. First, the NBA has an image problem. Adding that to Las Vegas, and having those players run amok is probably not a good idea right now. Second, Las Vegas has a very small population with really no outlying population. Third, who the fuck wants to go see a goddamn regular season NBA game if you are on vacation in Las Vegas? Las Vegas is a terrible idea for the NBA!
At no point in the discussion was Kansas City mentioned. Kansas City already has a brand new arena, they have been begging every pro league to move a team there, and they almost stole the Penguins, a franchise PITTSBURGH almost LOST!
If the NBA is going to look for new cities, they need to move teams, not add new ones. And they need to look at San Antonio and how that whole city loves that team because they’re the only game in town. THAT is the market the NBA needs to target. Look at how well the attendance was in Oklahoma City when Katrina hit New Orleans. Oklahoma City, another city with no pro sports teams, who would love nothing more than to get one. ONE. Rally a smaller market around one franchise. Because, the NFL is not going to Oklahoma City. The market is not big enough for the NFL to consider relocation to there. And they are not expanding.
Call me to discuss further, I do nothing all day except sleep.