Be more interesting you boring fuck!!!

Eventually you will find yourself in a social situation with people that you do not know and unless you are a complete fucking outcast, you will have to make conversation with them. Luckily for you most ice breaking conversations follow a pretty simple pattern.

In most cases the person you will be speaking with will want to know your name, what you do for a living, your interests, where you are from, if you are from out of the area, what brought you there, your hobbies, etc. etc. The upside of this is that because these conversations usually follow these same lines, you can prepare all of your answers in advance so that you don’t come off sounding like a complete douche. The downside is that it makes for boring conversation and in most cases you WILL come off sounding like a complete douche.

What you need to remember here are a few points of key importance:

1) Any one that you have never met before that is trying to carry on a conversation with you is just as uncomfortable as you are. Make your responses interesting and something they can relate to.

2)Be engaging. Don’t be a selfish prick, get the other person talking about themselves too. Not only will this help them to relax, but it will help you learn how to field your responses. If the person reveals that they are strongly opinionated about something relating to religion or politics, you can avoid any conversations that would make it seem like you have opposite opinions.

3) If the person is of the gender that you like to “bone” then keep in mind that if you are charming enough in the ice breaking phase of the conversation, there is a good chance you can talk them into making a poor drunken decision and your penis will thank you for it.

Questions about your job:

Never ever complain about what you do. I mean it is o.k. to bitch and moan about it in day to day life, but when you are just getting to know someone, they don’t want to hear about that shit. When someone asks you what you do for a living, you should have your job title, a brief description (50 words or less) and a few high-lights or key points right at the front of your mind. For the love of god make it interesting.

For example if you are one of say 30 people in a tech support department, and you go to work day in and day out knowing you are a nameless drone that no one really cares about (think Joe in Joe vs. The Volcano), this is not at all something you want to share with your new acquaintance.  For their sake, think of an interesting way to describe your job. Instead of Tech Support, say I.T., most people hold the belief that I.T. personal have IQs in the genius level. next, rather than mentioning you are a nameless drone, say that you work as part of a team. This not only makes it sound like you are enthusiastic about your job, but that your co-workers value your opinion enough to be on a team with you.

If you want, you can even spice it up by implicating you are some kind of assistant supervisor or something. Unless they work for the same company, they won’t know the truth and in most cases they won’t check up on your story.

Questions about where you are from:

Regardless if you are from out of the area or not, no one wants to hear someone go on and on about how shitty their home town was. Guess what, almost EVERYONE hates where they grew up. All hometowns have something wrong with them. Hell take my hometown, it is economically depressed, there are no jobs there, it is always gray, there is 152% humidity year round, the buildings are run down, the pollution is disgusting, there is a river that runs through town that constantly smells like raw shit and the people are borderline retarded.

Of course, if you were from the same town or area we would probably discuss all of those points at length, but if you aren’t than I probably just made you very uninterested in anything more I have to say about my hometown and you probably think I am a bitter ass.  In truth I am a bitter ass and my hometown is disappointing but you don’tneed that information if you are just getting to know me.

When someone asks you about your hometown, mention the size (big city, small town, etc) if it isn’t a well known area, mention a city or landmark it is close too, and of course mention at least one good thing about it. This makes it seem as though you are not a complete buzzkiller who hates everything.

Questions about your interests and hobbies:

Don’t be the guy that says he likes “Hey There Delilah” or for that matter the guy that talks about reading Stephen King or Ayn Rand. No one likes that guy. That guy is an asshole. It is easy to say that your interests lie in generalizations, (movies, music, books, etc) or to try and sound intelligent by dropping a name everyone knows. “I am really into Picasso” isn’t as intriguing as you might think. Everyone likes Picasso you cock. On the other hand it is just as easy to go in the opposite direction and mention something really obscure. No one will be impressed that you are into Frank Black and The Catholics if they’ve never heard of the Pixies. FYI The Pixies fucking suck and all their fans out taint sniffers.

If you are going to talk about your interests and hobbies, HAVE INTERESTS AND HOBBIES.

Well, kiddos, that about wraps it up for today’s lesson.

Be excellent to each other.

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