Goodwill Adventures Volume 1 “How to Learn to Hate People”

****taken from a piece written June 20th, 2004****

I have been recently hired by Goodwill Industries in Ebensburg, Pennsylvania; a second-hand establishment. I encounter quite a lot of very amazing items and some very amazing customers / co-workers. Here’s some shit that happened since Wednesday:

I am out on the sales floor and this very large mentally challenged individual stomps over to me holding a stuffed animal crab. Large Man speaks, yelling: “I’M GONNA BUY THIS FOR KEN!” I of course have no idea who Ken is. I reply: “He’s gonna love it!”

I’m out on the sales floor and in walks a man who’s job it is to go around to businesses and try to sell them package deals on professional sports tickets. I heard him talking to the woman at the register, and I knew sooner or later he’d corner me and ask me if I wanted any “free” Pirate tickets. Not relaizing that this man works for the ball-club, I say, “Are they gonna win a game? Didn’t they just lose 11 straight?” He goes, “They just won their last two!” And stormed out of Goodwill pissed off.

I put away this small ceramic item that said on it: “I’ll Hold the Teabag”. I went “Thanks” and set it down.

I over-heard an old man explaining to one of my co-workers how Bush sending a rover to Mars is the definite cause of our area getting rain the last 2 weeks. He was a fucking nut-bag. I think I may have heard him say something about “Poseidon” but I’m not entirely sure.

Last night I was instructed to go out to the stuffed animals and get rid of any of them that looked “rough”. This was my cue to do whatever I wanted. I sent many, many animals to a very dark grave, and among the remainders I earned the name ‘The Butcher of Ebensburg’. I tore families apart, destroyed stuffed-animal bonds forged over the months and years of laying beside eachother in the Goodwill bins. Here’s a short list of vermin that won’t live to see another drooling child:
– Teletubbies
– anything Barney related
– anything that was not created with any real animal in mind
– crabs

I am Josef Mengele.

Also this week I decided I want to fight Frank Mir in the octagon. My in-ring nickname is going to be “America’s Sweetheart”.

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