Seriously, fuck that shit man (or “mang” for our Mexican friends).
In my entire life I have only consumed sweet potatoes in the form of sweet potato fries and even this was a rare thing. It all started when I was 4 or 5 and I sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving and got terribly ill. I vowed I would never partake of the vile tuber again. Two evenings ago however my lovely wife decided to make sweet potatoes with our meal. Being a gracious husband who didn’t have to prepare his own food, I ate them. I should have stuck to my guns. I learned a powerful lesson that night my friends I assure you.
After eating I went to the living room to watch a few movies and relax a little. When I decided to go to bed I was looking forward to the coming slumber. What happened next pains me to even speak about. I drifted off to sleep and before I knew it I was immersed in dreamy-dream land. But alas, it was not MY dream land. This was some warped deranged version of dreamland that was controlled by the evil sweet potato.
For some reason I was in the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport, which isn’t that out of the ordinary since I have stopped over in that airport many times, but what was strange was that I was there with Brom Bones and The JaGe. As it turns out, our connecting flight was being canceled and we would have to catch another flight the next day. Since we were forced to stay in the Twin Cities over night, I decided I NEEDED to meet Mr. Nelson, a.k.a. Prince.
Now so far this may not seem that strange to you as Prince is based in Minneapolis and he is a fellow musician, and I am in fact a fan of his music, but what was weird to me is that I have absolutely no desire to meet Prince. Not because I don’t respect or think he would be a generous host, I just don’t know if I could handle that much purple funk without exploding into what it sounds like when doves cry.
Apparently Brom insisted that it was my destiny to not only meet Prince, but to form a band with him and perform songs written by Your Literary Hero. So off we went to meet the purple one. Now, I don’t remember changing in the dream. All I know is at one point I was wearing normal street clothes and the next time I looked I was wearing a leopard print, velour tracksuit with a matching headband. Strange yes, but not so strange as Brom’s outfit. He looked like a parrot, a sexy parrot. JaGe however was dressed like an 80’s limo driver.
At any rate we drove up to Prince’s house, which we somehow just happened to know the address too and I went up and knocked on the door. His butler answered and I told him I was there to see Prince. Without hesitation he invited me in but told Brom and JaGe they had to wait outside. I was led down to the basement of the house. I thought I was being taken to a recording studio where I would get to here Rogers (yes plural, but that’s his fucking name) perfecting a new album. Instead I was guided to a small room with a ridiculously large television and home theater set-up. Let me put a finer point on it here, the t.v. was so large it was like something out of a superhero cartoon when the superhero is at his supercomputer. It was nuts.
Anyhow, Prince is just hanging out playing video games. Without being the least bit weired out by the fact that I a complete stranger (in a horrible tracksuit) was hanging out in his house, he offered me a plate of cookies and tossed me a controller. I must tell you that he was dressed in his suit from Purple Rain and sitting in the bathtub from the “When Doves Cry” video, though there was no water or roses. In fact throughout the rest of the dream he just sort of hovered around in the tub.
Anyhow, we ended up playing Viva Piñata for like two hours, which thought was weird since I have never played that game and have absolutely no idea what it looks like. To make a long story short, every time Prince spoke it was a line from either one of his songs or from Tim Burton’s Batman. I know he was never actually in Batman, but I guess that is just how I imagine him. Just before we actually recorded a song together I woke up, but I swear this to you all, I will NEVER eat sweet potatoes again.