This is based off my own observations. I am going by months you were born in, obviously.
– Gals: Worthless. Has issues. Dumb but likes to act smart. Lazy. Piece of shit. Has a bright outlook on life, but fails miserably in every venture because she has no common sense. Great for latching on to guys who are going places in life. Graduated from a cosmotology school. Perfect for: Video store management, cutting hair at a place that is not even a chain.
– Guys: Plumb dumb. Sits around all day. Drinks too much. Smells like sawdust and axel grease. Has that fat-muscle look like 1950’s bodybuilders. Wears hats. Has a beard and an old gun he inherited from his father, who worked in a factory. Favorite movie is All the Right Moves or the Deerhunter. Perfect for: Sawmill laborer.
– Gals: Untrustworthy, deceptive, conniving. Definitely has had sex with her best guy friend, who know is madly and secretly in love with her. She knows this, though, and definitely perpetuates it. Her friends think she’s an asshole, and some of them even have developed feelings for the guy friend, because he is sweet and comes to them for advice. The closer the b-day to Valentine’s Day, the more you need to throw her her own St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Perfect for: Laying in coffins.
– Guys: Sensitive. Emotional. Many people who cut themselves and cry all day were born in this month. Loves pornography and young girls. Kisses like a teenager even though they are in their 30’s. Seriously frustrated with life and has attempted suicide but only for attention. Basically a deadbeat who refuses to get their shit together. Perfect for: Examples of how not to run your life or how not to let your kids grow up to become.
– Gals: Tramps, drug addicts, bar sluts. Chubbier than the girl next to them. Thinks she is extremely hot but is just a 7. Lives off high school memories and a guy she met in high school. Maybe has a kid and is a bitch when approached. Perfect for: keeping the bar cash register full, or maybe a job as a drug consumer.
– Guys: Very trustworthy. Often taken for a ride by females. Good friend and is intelligent. Very talented and is often overlooked and underappreciated. Equally underestimated. Calculating and slick. Perfect for: Calling upon when shit needs done, getting away with serious criminal offenses.
– Gals: Lazy coke addicts. Usually fat and talks about how skinny they used to be. Loves to spend your money, and bitch all day. Perfect for: Losing or breaking things you have loaned to them, and perfect for bitching all day and not having a job.
– Guys: Hard workers. Loves Marlboros, Pepsi, and Penn State. Watches Forest Hills football games with Paul McCloskey and Eddie Hudak. Watches basketball games with Paul McCloskey and Anthony Brezovec. Perfect for: Giving me money, adding on to the house, shooting the same deer 10 times.
– Gals: Bigtime teases. Loves to talk big and act like a porno star in the bedroom, but genuinely leaves you at the point where you need to lie about how good they are or they’ll be hurt by it. Perfect for: Noah’s Bang Plane videos, or good for buying you a Christmas gift.
– Guys: Very homosexual but won’t admit to being gay. Last one to realize they are gay. Probably good at sports, but modest about it. Perfect for: scoring touchdowns in a gay football league.
– Gals: Are too loyal and maybe even stalkerish. Refuses to quit, even after the initial feelings of “persistence being flattering” dying off. Won’t leave even after you explain that to them. Looks in windows and drives past your house. Good for: private detective’s assistant, blowjobs on rainy days.
– Guys: Creepy as a motherfucker. Stalker. Basically a terrorist. Very impulsive and is maybe the basis for Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Perfect for: Putting the lotion in the basket, framing to get away with a murder.
– Girls: Shady, secretive, lightheaded. Loves acid. Secretly wants to experience a “glory hole” in a Shoney’s bathroom. Thinks Jeff Foxworthy is funny but will not tell her friends that. Perfect for: Leading on, and for working in a Shoney’s bathroom.
– Guys: Good for hanging out with but not too often. Wants to hang out too much. Not creepy but might be gay, and the line is blurry with your friendship, which makes you very uncomfortable. Calls and you don’t answer it usually. Throws parties that no one attends except other July-ers who are looking to meet you and hang out with you. Carries the bottom of a polestick in their car but has never used it. Perfect for: Half-a-poolstick poolshark.
– Gals: Fun. Good tans. No tan lines, and shaves everything. Type of broad that pushes your face down between her legs. Great at first but even she gets boring in bed. Great, great trophy fuck. Your friends cannot believe you knocked it down. Then your friend sleeps with her and you both form a secret coalition of people who know the truth about her in the sack. You don’t tell anyone about it. You revel in the worship and look at eachother every time someone mentions how hot she is. Perfect for: muscle-car modeling.
– Guys: Arrogant and have small dicks. Their lack of real talent, athletically, is often mistaken for genius. Tells you about hot broads he tagged that don’t really exist. Wears turtlenecks on occasion but was so fast on the court that no one talks too much shit. Small amount of serious girlfriends, all who had a good relationship with him and will not tell anyone the real caliber of his pistol. Perfect for: Heisman Trophy ceremonies.
– Gals: Airheads. Probably went to an Ivy League school and will tell you about it as soon as you meet them. Very disappointing. Nice tits but body is never better than average. Maroon hair, and glasses. Gives okay blowjobs. Perfect for: Telling your friends where she went to school, or working at a job they are actually not qualified to be doing.
– Guys: Very talented. Extremely bright. Brilliant artist. Very loyal friend and boyfriend. Seeks people who are on his level, but often disappointed. Specially appointed by God to change the world, and will do so. Dashingly handsome. Tall, built, and has dimples. Perfect for: Falling in love with, or writing a book about.
– Gals: Has that whole creepy-goth-but-kinda-still-hot thing going on. Probably has been with other chicks, but only because she thinks it’s cool to talk about. Loves horses and borrowing money. Has lived with boyfriends and is bitter because they cheated on her. Probably involved in some bullshit Pagan religion. Says she likes ghosts but is scared as fuck of the lights being turned off abruptly. Has a picture on her desk of herself standing in front of a castle when she took a dork trip to Scotland. Perfect for: Band leader, travel consultant, organizing a seance that will not work.
– Guys: Bad tattoos and stinks real bad. Showers but has an everlasting stench. Favorite movie is Gladiator or Mission Impossible. Wants to build a dirtbike but has no brains whatsoever. Good at Math but bad at hand-eye coordination. Can’t even jerk off because he can’t even get the rhythm down and just quits and cries into his pillow, asking God for help to J his D. Perfect for: funding a dirtbike project.
– Gals: Incredibly untrustworthy and equally irrational. Very, very spontaneous but never sexually. Incredibly inept in bed, but talks like she is the dirtiest pig in the pen. Likes being choked. Loves to spend money she does not have. Irresponsible. Incompetent. Bad friend, and even worse relative. Perfect for: Using an example of who you do not want in your life.
– Guys: Spends money like a motherfucker. Never on time, never there when you need them, and loves to hit on your girlfriend. Only thing they like more than spending money they cannot afford to spend, is not only hitting on your girlfriend but making moves on a girl you are crushing on and he knows you have feelings for her. Will never buy you a Christmas or birthday gift. Loves to talk shit. Probably carries a knife because he knows that he has talked so much shit that one day… one of these fucking days… some motherfucker is gonna be hinding behind the fence when they park their car. Perfect for: Target practice, janitor.
– Gals: Mushy, overbearing, and overweight. Loves to be chipper all day long. Has inane knack for pushing you when you are in a bad mood. Needs to be exterminated. Wears sweatshirts with dogs on them. Talks about Christmas all day. Probably works in a craft store. Perfect for: Craft-store management.
– Guys: Strong of body and weak of mind. Makes poor financial decisions and has many pets. Favorite author is Stephen King. Is afraid of his own shadow. Wears shoes that he thinks are ugly but everyone else has them so he does too. Can’t stop praying for a girlfriend. Had a girlfriend once but she moved away. Perfect for: crying on your shoulder in the gym, or working as a junior high football coach.