I posted earlier in another forum at some point during this past weekend, a terrible deed was done to a great friend of mine from back home. I cannot begin to explain how powerless I felt, sitting in my cold apartment, 1500 miles away from my tormented friend. I could not make the trek home and save this man, whom I love deeply but not passionately despite many failed attempts on his part.
“It all started very early in the morning. It was cold, and the sun was new and young. The day had potential to be a classic. Then it all turned very dark in my world,” said my friend. He was awoken to his surprise to find his very short girlfriend standing over him and holding what appeared to be two strips of paper. “Get up, we have to go,” she said to him, his brain still tired and weary. He knew better than to not wake up, for she may lack height but makes up for it in mean-ness and attitude. He clamored from his slumber and showered, snuck away to his room to look at porn on the internet very quickly, and then dressed for the day, still unaware of what horrors were in store for him, tucked away hidden within those 2 strips of paper she held above his sleepy head.
His head still full of cob-webs, he got into her car and they drove away, the morning dew and flowers slyly smelling sweet, never revealing their true colors of what they had in store for this man of high moral fiber. Pretty soon the small vehicle was making it’s way through Armaugh, the boyhood home of Panther slayer Frank Solich, who’s helpless Bobcats defeated the University of Pittsburgh just a few short weeks ago. “This is where Frank Solich is from. Man, they crushed Pitt,” he said to his long-time girlfriend. She was coldly speechless, like the driver of a car leading the unaware passsenger to his unknown execution.
It soon became apparent that the vehicle was making it’s way towards the city of Pittsburgh. My friend put his hands against the ceiling of the car and took a deep breath before he asked, fearing the answer from his female companion. “Are we going to Pittsburgh?” “Yes,” she answered, just as cold as she had been all morning. My friend’s hands started to shake, and he could feel his heart starting to pound in his 19 year-old chest. He tried to tip-toe around it, knowing the destination, but not wanting to hear it from the mouth that he kissed on so many romantic nights. “Penn State is playing tonight… at home.” “Yes,” she responded, her eyes fixed on Rt. 22. My friend swallowed hard. He needed to face his fears like a man afraid of gorillas throws himself over the railing of the gorilla pit at the zoo or some sh*t. He recalled a quote he had heard: Conquer your fears and you will conquer death. The quote is from ‘Alexander’, which was a piece of crap but something he probably thought was brilliant. He faced his fears: “I think pitt is playing home as well.” She was unmoved, staring at the road as it snaked around the Pennsylvania landscape. She spoke, “That’s where we are going, I got free tickets.” My tortured friend put his hand on the car-door latch and quietly tried to get out of the vehicle. The door was locked. His brain was heating up and his fingers were on fire. He grabbed hard at the latch and yanked and yanked, to no success. He started to scream and slap himself in the face, and then frantically clawing at the window, trying to free himself of the horrors. Then he blacked out.
“I was so worked up that I blacked out. When I awoke, I found myself seated at Heinz Field.” The following passages are graphic and are not suitable for anyone who has not been through blood-soaked military conflict and lived to tell about it. My enslaved friend awoke to find the terror all very real, much to his own chagrin. “I awoke to find the terror all very real, much to my own chagrin,” he said. Then the flood gates were opened as his eyes gazed upon the monumentous sight. “My eyes opened and before lied a vast sea of yellow, so bright that I could only imagine it being the nexus of the universe. It was wide and clean, as far as the eyes could see in all directions. I have seen the face of God, there at the edge of time.” When the doctors finally explained to him that he had not transcended space and time, but was really seeing all the empty seats at Heinz Field, he began to calm and settle himself. Luckily, the doctors at Western Psyche were able to explain this and to explain that this is not an uncommon ailment for Penn State fans who are uprooted of their lives and taken to see such a horrible football team perform to the satisfaction of 2,000 very simple-minded people. Many good people have fallen victim to the common parlor tricks used by girlfriends and boyfriends alike, who coerce their unexpecting significant others into witnessing the Washington Generals of the Big East instead of the stronger, more dominant Mountaineer team, who is the Harlem Globetrotters of the conference.
Luckily, this tale ends on a good note. My pal has escaped with no serious physical side-effects, however the mental torment has forced the doctors into issuing a medical prescription that he must take twice a day for the rest of his life. His girlfriend was promptly arrested for attempted and premeditated murder, and is held without chance of parole.