Why “Radical Jack ” is one of the greatest pieces of Cinema Recorded And Produced

Friends, I am here today to tell you of a movie so amazing that I am sure only the elite have seen it. It is from…THE YEAR 2000 and truly Y2K did not strike the film industry as Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Radical Jack” is THE voice of a generation. Hell, if it were a tasty beverage it would be the CHOICE of a new generation.

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The movie starts with Billy Ray, or RADICAL JACK riding around on his motorcycle trying to evade a group of people that you are led to believe are Douchy Mc Douchefaces, and they chase him into a construction site or something. As the camera keeps cutting to focus on different parts of the motorcycle you realize that Jack’s pants are tucked into his boots and he has a mullet so glorious it would make Zeus jealous…if Zeus were be-mulleted.

Jack is eventually cornered and the Douchy Mc Douchefaces jump out of their Douchemobiles and try to apprehend him. Though they all have guns, none of them draw and Jack starts punching for no reason at all. You don’t really ever see what he’s hitting, but if the poor editing is any indication than the blood on the faces of the Douches was caused by Jack and his Achey-Breaky fists.finally the lead Douche gets out and begins speaking. The camera pans back to Jack who is doing what I can only describe as a bad Snake Plissken impression and is speaking like a retarded George W. Bush. Believe me, I am aware of the redundancy. It is at that point we learn that the Douches are actually government agents and that Radical Jack is actually some sort of hillbilly badass undercover (renegade) government operative. A lesser man may have exploded from the excitement, an even lesser lesser man may have called this flick a dumbed down Van Damme movie with worse acting and less of a plot, but a REAL man would announce to the world from the highest mountain top that this movie is cinematographic excellence.

At 3 minutes and 46 seconds in we get our first sepia tone flashback. Now, if you ask me there can never really be enough sepia tone in a movie, especially if it is used to explain the back story to plot points so obvious that Stevie Wonder could have seen it from a mile away. This movie didn’t ask me though. Fuck, this movie didn’t ask anyone, it just fucking did it, that’s how bad ass it is. After the amazing flash back Jack pulls into town In a badass Jeep Renegade whilst wearing the ultimate in ass beating, face breaking attire…WHITE FUCKING JEANS!In the meantime you have learned that Radical Jack’s assignment is to roll into this backwoods hick town and diffuse the organization of some guy who is like a redneck mob boss gun runner and his idiot son. About six minutes later Radical Jack is deep undercover working in some shitty bar. He lives above the bar and seems to spend all of his time in the bar. With the mind blowing soundtrack kicking into full swing I was waiting for jack to say something like “You be nice” and just go ahead and transform the movie all the way into Roadhouse, but alas it was not meant to be.

In the next scene Billy, I mean Snake, I mean Dalton, I mean Sam Gillen, er Radical Jack is out in the woods across from his target’s house spying on him. Here is where we learn perhaps the most important rule a government operative has to follow, never go “a-spyin” without your Indiana Jones hat.

Just about then Jack has another sepia tone flash back and we realize that even in his happiest memories, Jack was a resident of a trailer park. Keep in mind that that is supposed to be the point shit STARTED to go down hill for him. In this flash back we realize that the target is responsible for slaughtering Jack’s twisted inbred family and that Jack is actually out for revenge. Anyhow, with the next cut we are in the villain’s house and he kind of looks like a zombie Ronald Reagan and sounds like Don Pardo.

So in the next scene Jack is in town pulling his Renegade up to some kind of hardware/general store or something. There is a poor old black man being picked on by some hillbillies, but he is miraculously defended by…Billy Ray Cyrus. I was so fucking excited I thought Dale Jr. was going to jump out and let out a “HOOOOOOOOOOOO WEEE”, but such was not the case. Little did I know this was an old story telling device known as foreshadowing.In the next scene we learn that the villain has an evil lackey, and wouldn’t you know it, he LOVES to hang out in the same bar that Jack is now employed at (you be nice). Anyhoo, for some reason, the hillbillies that Jack previously stomped for fucking with the old black dude who I will call…Otis, for no other reason than this movie NEEDS an Otis, are all hanging out with the evil lackey. Apparently they are all friends in evil. I should point out that the lackey is a lot like Billy Zane…only far less cool.

In the bar there is a band led by a skinny David Crosby looking dude and a woman with the fattest ass and largest Adam’s Apple I had ever had the displeasure of seeing. Apparently everyone in town hangs out in this bar every single night without question.

After this there is an “Under Siege” style knife fight, plenty of near boob that looked like something out of an 80’s action movie that is on HBO in the wee hours of the morning and of course, a bunch of good old fashioned woman beating. Through out the rest of the movie we learn that the lackey is actually the villain’s son who, as it happens, is too big of a moron to take over the business and is in love with the same white trash waitress Jack wants to rail.

The lackey ends up beating up the waitress to which Jack responds to hearing the news by saying “Hells Bells” in a deep remorseful tone. After a couple of more scenes that showcase Billy’s stupid temporary tattoo there is a big gay redneck orgy (I shit you not) and we discover that Jack’s boss was really the mastermind the entire time.The movie then kicks into white trash Rambo mode and Jack goes after his former boss (the douche government guy not the bar owner) who has taken Jack’s new lady hostage by putting a gun to her tit. SPOILER ALERT: Jack kills him and saves the day.

I had high hopes for this movie when it started that it was going to be laughably awful, but all joking aside it was probably the worst thing I have seen since the live action Street Fighter movie. The southern accents were so hard to listen to that I wanted to hang myself and there wasn’t a decent thespian in the whole bunch. Didn’t anyone learn from “Cool as Ice” that you don’t put some mediocre jackass who had one big hit into a movie? This thing should have been called “White Trash Bad Ass”, at least then you’d know what to expect. That or “The EXPLODER!”

Billy Ray, please…stop the acting. You are allowed however to keep cranking out delicious underage girls I want to ravage.

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