Last night, I was dragged down to Ennis, TX to go to the Galaxy Drive-In Theatre. There was a myriad of adventures. Where do I even start? Okay, well here goes…
We get close to Ennis and it is about 8:10, movie doesn’t start until 9. I guarantee my companion that Ennis has a Wal-Mart, per her request to get snacks before we go into the drive-in. Since I do not know the exact location of said Wal-Mart, I see an exit for 45 Business and I take it. We are now on what appears to be a street in a Bosnian city full of Mexicans and Homeboys. It was not exactly the most economically sound village I’ve ever been in. So after I drive all the way down through Ennis looking for this Wal-Mart, we get back on 45 and head North, back towards the drive-in. We see the Wal-Mart and we stop, but only after my companion lets me know that she no longer wants snacks, or even mentioned that she did. I pretend like she’s right.
Wal-Mart was amazing. Both bathrooms were blocked off because of whatever, and there is a one-stall family restroom way in the back of the store. I am the next in line. A father near-by tells me that his small child is in there and he’ll be right out. 15 minutes later, Junior has flushed the toilet a total of 6 times. I knew exactly what happened: cheetohead clogged the toilet, panicked, and started flushing it more and more in hopes of it clearing itself out. Daddy is just sitting there with a dumbfounded look on his face, and even scratched his head like a monkey a time or two. It’s not rocket science as to what happened in there, doofusbrain.
Then Junior flings the door open, does a quick scan to see if anyone noticed him, and runs out of the bathroom into the store, fleeing the scene. I go in, the toilet is clogged, I figured someone had to clean it either way, and made my contribution to the next guy’s frustration.
I buy Ritz Crackers, peanut butter, and leave.
We now get the opportunity to try and figure out how exactly you get to this drive-in, since it is on the access road, and not directly adjacent to an exit from I-45. 10 minutes later we get to the gate, and traffic was a lot of fun getting in there.
Finally get inside, drive around for 10 mins. trying to park, because everyone with an SUV immediately finds a spot that fucks over everyone else’s view at a drive-in, and we wait for the movie. I need hotdogs so we head to the snack bar.
The line was intense. Many jackasses of all shapes and colors are talking about things that are very interesting, like cheating boyfriends, mom giving us grief to be home early, rednecks not wanting other rednecks to pay for their cheeseburgers. I think my brain bled a little bit out of my ears. I spent a good 30 minutes in line.
Then a great thing happened. A redneck in front of me, about 50 years old, is wearing a shirt with a bear on it, sitting on top of an outhouse. Some Jonas Brothers kid taps this dude on the shoulder and says, “I don’t understand your shirt.” I am thinking, oh shit this is gonna be real great. The redneck turns around and says, “It means ‘How Big a Boy are You?’ It’s got a bear on top of a shit house.” The kid is pretty clueless. Redneck then says, “Let me ask you somethin’… if you were takin’ a shit and bear was on the roof, would you come outside?” “I guess not.” “That’s the answer.” Then he turned back around and I was awestruck.
I grabbed 3 hotdogs and 2 hamburgers and it’s like I told those people at the snack bar: “Ahhh, buddy, only thing that can save fuckin’ Narnia is Chris Hovan, buddy.” Then I gave a big “BARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” like I was yelling in a Viking horn.