Today I got to thinking that perhaps I should grow a beard. I have never grown one before, sure I have grown a chin strap, various combination of goatees, mustaches and side burns and have been downright ratty, yet I have never grown a full on beard.
The more I thought about it the more it seemed like a major commitment I am not sure I wanted to make so I felt I needed to weigh the pros and the cons.
-I’ll look like a homeless person
-No one with a beard will ever be as cool as ZZ Top
-Things can live in it
-Unless it is a white old man beard I’ll look like a pervert
-Everyone will ask if I shampoo it
-I’ll have to make up my mind if i will shampoo it, or just lie to those who inquire if I do (see above)
-No woman worth doing will let me put your penis inside her.
-My face willl be warm
-I can store/grow food in it for later
-I will have something to weep into when I am alone and without love.
After extensive market research I have decided I am not a “Beard Guy”,
but for your benefit I have decided to include a look at some people who think they are.
The Fat Guy Trying To Be Cool Beard
This poor dumb bastard is usually, USUALLY in college, but may also be some one in their pre-thirties trying to appear as though he is in college. What happens in this case is that the fat guy realizes that he has nothing to gain from having a clean shaven face and so he grows a beard in an attempt to appear deep and poetic. Really he just looks even more pathetic. They are usually known to date much older women…think your grand ma, if they can get a date at all.
The Skinny Guy Trying To Be Cool Beard
The same rules apply as above except skinny dude’s face looks WAY out of proportion and he will usually date fat goth whores.
The Different Color From Hair Beard
This guy I happen to be an expert on since my first room mate in college was one of these guys. Usually the hair on his head is dark brown or black and his beard is blond or red. He will claim it is because he is Irish or Scottish, but really it is because he grew up next to a photo processing plant and was exposed to a lot of chemical waste. interestingly enough he will usually also be a combination of a Goth Leader and an Anime Purist. Usually, aside from his beard you can identify him by the fact that he dresses like a vampirate which of course is the combination of a vampire and a pirate…vinyl pants ho!!!
The Homeless Beard
Remarkably, this is exactly what it sounds like, a beard that looks like it belongs to a homeless or, does in fact belong to a homeless guy. This beard is usually unkempt and filled with debris. Leaves, cookies, leafy cookies, twigs and the map to long abandon treasures like paper clips and bottles of urine can be found populating these follicles.
The Musician Beard
Being the amazing rock and roller I am, I often run in to this beard. For whatever reason, the rock gods have decreed that musicians shall geteth all the ass they can handle-eth. At least, that was until the invention of emo and dudes clad in girl pants. Unfortunately for these fucktards they couldn’t get laid if their dicks tasted like strawberries and their ejaculations produced hundred dollar bills, so the fall back on the Fat/Skinny guy trying to be cool theory. Be careful, this guy may lure you in with debates about the Smashing Pumpkins and Alice in Chains, but will inevitably fall back on topics about bands you have never heard of and never want to.
The Hippie Beard
What more can really be said here? Hippies are fucking dirty. They stink, they try and push their fucked up beliefs on everyone around them and some how they always seem to have an endless supply of Grateful Dead/Che Guevara/Who Would Jesus Bomb/Peace T-Shirts. I fucking hate hippies and their beards. I want to burn their nappy disgusting hair piles off their dirty disgusting faces because god knows the rest of their hemp made attire would ignite like a tinder box.
The Scrappy Beard
This is the most pathetic of all beards. This is the beard grown by the poor bastard to freakish and hideous to even produce a proper mane of facial hair. Puberty, like life was heartless to this son of a bitch and they some how look stupider for it. The long and unforgiving tale of how this debacle came into existence usually starts with the grower thinking he can pull of a soul patch. Somewhere along the wait he attempts a mustache that never amounts to anything more than making him look like he always has dirt on his nose. Not long after that he’ll just get lazy and stop shaving just like he has given up on everything else he’s ever tried.
COOL BEARDS WORTH MENTIONING
I will give props openly to any old timer who has stuck it out long enough to grow a beard over 18 inches long. Now for it truly to be considered a Father Time it must be white and none too bushy, otherwise the guy will look like a prospector and believe you me the only place he wants to prospect is in your bum…with his penis…because he rapes men. The Prospector, not Father Time. In one on one all beard mayhem Father Time, or Tiempo Del Padre in the luchador circuit will ALWAYS dominate.
The Southern Gentleman
This one is rough to explain. The Southern Gentleman is like a father time in that it must be white, and it must be non bushy, but it is usually well trimmed and no longer than an inch to an inch and a half. Think of it like a Jonathan Frakes during Star Trek TNG beard only a little longer and white. More than likely this beard will NOT belong to an actual southerner since all southerners are lazy and only care about sister boning, NASCAR, Wal Mart, Piggly Wiggly, Blue Collar Comedy Tour Re-runs, Molly Hatchet and hanging black folk.