Journey Thru Time Vol 1: The Huns

Current mood: sad

Hello, friends and girls I’ve banged. DB here to give everyone today’s history lesson. It is a tale of savagery, incest, bloodshed, compassion, and laziness. No, this is not the story of my dad’s life. But I will however throw him under the bus in that joke, for absolutely no reason.

A long time ago, back when Joe Paterno was in his 26th year as head coach at Penn State, there was a bad moon a-risin’ in the Balkans. Now, before I go any further, when I say “moon” I am not referring to an unleashed buttocks. I do not want Cimba to get excited, even though the last account of Cimba’s activity has him popping a sexual wheelie all the way down Cabinet Street. Nay, that bad moon was the scourge of God, aka ATTILA THE HUN.

Before Attila rose to power, the Huns were a simple folk, killing motherfuckers all over Asia until underage Chinese gymnists built the Great Wall to keep them out. They also used lead paint in their toys and gave the Huns tainted Voltron pieces. Before the Huns could get all the Voltron pieces assembled, many of their people died of all sorts of Chinese SARS and bird flu and lead poisoning. I’m not sure why I just said that. So the Huns were like “goddamn wall” and left.

They moved WESTWARD HO and pimp walked all over the Balkans, up to the blue Danube. Them niggas killed people and lived off the land, scavenging and eating the animals they came across. The Huns had no time for building shit or farming. They lived on their horses and were experts on them. But what made the Huns such masters of death was the reflex bow. Here I will post Duran Duran lyrics.

You gone too far this time
But Im dancing on the valentine
I tell you somebodys fooling around –
With my chances on the dangerline
Ill cross that bridge when I find it
Another day to make my stand, oh..
High time is no time for deciding
If I should find a helping hand, oh..

So why dont you use it
Try not to bruse it
Buy time dont lose it

(chorus)

The reflex is an only child, hes waiting in the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isnt that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does leaves you answered with a
Question mark

Im on a ride and I want to get off
But they wont slow down the roundabout
I sold the renoir and the tv set
Dont want to be around when this gets out

(chorus) (chorus)

The reflex is an only child, hes waiting by the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isnt that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does is an answer with a
Question mark

(chorus) (chorus)

The reflex is an only child, hes waiting by the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isnt that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does leaves me answered with a
Question mark

Oh, the reflex what a game hes hiding all the cards
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isnt that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does leaves you answered with a
Question mark

Now, I did not read any of those lyrics except the last line, basically because Duran Duran sucks. But the reflex did indeed leave you with a question mark. A QUESTION MARK OF DEATH!!!! By taking wood, bending that shit the other way and gluing it together, the Huns invented what is probably the most advanced hand weapon to that date. They were able to make the weapon shorter and way more fucking powerful than the rest of you faggots and your big-ass bows.

The Huns were able to move across the battlefield with speed and power and kill you with their Duran Duran bows. Although most fights ultimately end up with close-quarters fighting, the Huns were great at also stabbing you to death with their swords and vampire teeth. As one historian on the History Channel said, in a very gay voice, “There was so much pushing. And then there was yelling. The yelling of people dying. They were pushing and yelling and people’s guts were all over the place.” Well said, jackass.

With the Huns pushing and yelling against the Eastern Roman Empire (2 emperors at this time, remember), one of those emperors sent the son of a prominent general to live amongst the Huns and learn their savage ways. It was an act of diplomacy, and this happened often. These people were basically hostages, because they were not allowed to come and go as they as they pleased. This kid lived amongst the Huns for a long time, and then he went back to the Romans I guess.

Well, Attila was coming to power. The Huns were exacting tributes from the local yokels and I think at one point the tributes were turkey sammiches, disco balls, a breast pump, and a Bears helmet full of spaghetti sauce. The Huns were about to go the route of so many of our favorite bands: they got fucking lazy with success.

They basically abandoned their horsemanship and stopped living hard, off the food they could gather. They were becoming rich and stupid and fat as hell, like 90 percent of married women. But Attila wanted a legitimate empire for the Huns, not just the barbarian tactics that got them this far. This is the point in the story that things get incestual. Some Roman bitch got knocked up by her brother, and the Romans were like “this is fucked up”. So she sent Attila messages that said “come down here, these people are assholes.” For whatever reason, Attila got the band back together and they started touring all over eastern Europe, playing at all the fortified cities and leaving their audiences in pools of their own blood.

But the Huns were not the Huns of old. That Roman kid who was raised as a Hun, when the Huns were awesome and livin’ la vida loca, actually was now in command of the forces that were fighting Attila. So, we have a REAL Hun taking on the FAKE Huns!!! That’s some crazy ass shit right there. I think that might be irony, but when Bodenschatz was bitching about how people don’t understand irony, I think he confused me as well.

Well, Attila got beat up pretty good, and that Roman kid said, “hey, you guys are a counterweight against the Goths, so fuck it, get out of here” and he let them go free. This was retarded.

All Attila did was gather more allies, head back west, and kick people’s asses all the way down into Rome itself. The pope came out to the gates and told Attila something, which made him and his army leave. No one knows what he said to him. My guess, after doing hours of research in all of Europe’s top universities, is that he told him that hot dogs are just American tacos.

Attila left, and drank himself to death.

So ends the mighty struggle of my people, who’s empire in the Balkans is a part of present day HUNgary, the land of DB’s ancestors. Who can tell what stories lie ahead for the Hungarians, and their bad fashion sense?

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