The church of E-Rokk

I won’t save your soul or promise you happiness, but I am still cooler than you.

The Ten Commandments of E-Rokk

Hot Moms Shalt Give Themselves to Me.

Thou Shalt Not Be Sober…Ever

Thou Shalt Praise Me Constantly

Thou Shalt Listen To Thy Music Ungodly Loud. Unless it sucks.

Thou Shalt Not Waste My Time With Shitty Music

Thou Shalt Give Me Anything I Ask For

Thou Shalt Not Offer Me Shitty Booze

Thou Shalt Not Take Smokey and The Bandit’s Name In Vain

Thou Shalt Buy Me Taco Bell

If Thou Breaks Any of These Commandments Thou Shalt Pleasure Me Orally

Don’t be fooled, this is a church, not a religion. I am not going to save you or your soul. I am not going to die for you; I am not going to promise you redemption or eternal happiness. I just thought that since any other yahoo can start a church, wave their hands in the air and claim to have some inner light while getting a nice tax shelter and a forum to force their political views on people, then why not me?

The big difference is I don’t pay taxes and unless we are talking about why I should rule the world I could care less about anyone’s political views. So lets see, if I want to be a church I need a um… a back story, like a history…so here it goes.

200,000 years ago in an age of chaos, man had long since evolved (that’s right evolved, I mean I want to sound over the top and funny, but who would believe something so crazy like us just showing up here. Like we were made from mud or brought here on alien ships. Oh wait.)into his current form. As civilizations were starting to form they all needed gods to watch over them and protect them, although in most cases they ended up killing each other since they couldn’t agree which god would win in a pissing contest. I know, it sounds strange, but no where in the entire history of the world has any one’s god smote anyone else because they screwed with his group of people.

One day, far far away from what was considered the “known world” at the time in an area that is now called Stopsville, Pennsylvania under the misty moon of midnight fall a Siamese twin male Cyclops named Thor-Rak made sweet lovins with a female Siamese twin Cyclops named Oroktu. They made sounds no creature ever should. A loud series of moans like a group of 40 year old woman rubbing up against driers, followed by a series of strange thuds. Like someone throwing a shaved cat at the wall. Finally a loud squishing noise, like squeezing the guts out of fish through the gills.

A few months later a child was born. He was the worlds first ever Siamese triplet. He had two arms, two legs, one torso and five heads. When he was born he looked like flesh broccoli so Oroktu named him Brocconious.

Brocconious stood nearly 17 feet tall and would travel the American continent in search of food and love. As he came upon ancient cities, he would eat their inhabitants, spread his seed among their remaining female inhabitants then throw the remaining men into the sea. And you wondered where the Maya, the Inca, and the Olmec vanished too.

As time went on Brocconious grew older. After a few thousand years one of his heads died and fell off. Brocconious reached down to grab it and found a crystal inside. Holding this crystal made him happy so he proclaimed that it would be the crystal of joy. Whomever held it would be forever happy and in good fortune.

A few thousand years later the same story with another head. This time the crystal made him hateful of the little bluebirds and slugs and antelopes and mountain lions and moose and squirrel and so on, so he named this crystal the crystal of hatred. As the other two heads died and fell off they left behind the crystal of sadness, and love. As Brocconious looked over his collection of crystals Love, Hate, Joy and Sadness he realized that his own head must contain the crystal of balance. He summarized that these five crystals are what gave him his unlimited power. He devised a plan to separate the four crystals he had to the ends of the earth. By 1930 Brocconious had finally separated the four crystals and because he was so old his body had shrunken to that of mere mortals. Now even though Brocconious had spawned many many many offspring over the centuries, most were disappointing and ended up becoming hippies, or even worse vegan hippies and had to be slaughtered, so Brocconious, knowing his time was drawing to and end wanted to spawn a child to become the steward of the final crystal when Brocconious died.

Upon his son’s birth in 1931 Brocconious decreed no one should ever speak the child’s name and instead call him Ha Al Nee Dam. Now I know it is not my place as the recorder of these events to imprint my opinions but Smokey and the Bandit was directed by Hal Needham and let’s face it. That movie was so good it had to be written and directed by the son of a god.

So if you are still reading at this point. I guess its safe to say that this is no more kooky than anything else out there and you should probably consider believing it lest ye be smoted. Smoted? Smotted? Smited? Lest ye be annoyed constantly by Gwen Stefani songs.

All hail E-Rokk

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