If ever I were to come into possession of a time machine I would travel back in time to 1983 and start a rap group. We would be a lot like Run DMC except there would be 13 of us and we would all wear Puma gear instead of Adidas. I guess what I am saying is we would be nothing like Run DMC. We would all wear funny hats, sun glasses and GARGANTUAN amounts of gold bling and be called “The Mean 13” or “TM13” for short.
I have already taken the liberty of writing our theme song, it would go like this:
There’s Phresh E. Fresch he’s got the flow, E. Lim Inator, don’t you know? Rich Ritchie Richards is from the streets and Dan Van Hammer lays down the beats. Big Bad Bill has got the skill and Sweet Jimmy Ray gives the ladies a thrill! Ned P. Dax he is the brains and Krazee K is just in sane. Steve the sleaze is a hell of a guy, yo look out it’s Eddie 2 Fly. T.D. Carter stands for touch down, Lefty’s got no legs but he gets around. I’m Rocky D and I’m on the mike, spittin out all the rhymes you like.
Over all I think we would pay our dues in the Bronx and Queens from 83-86 playing at basement parties and such. 86 – 87 would see us recording our first album but we would only see limited success. During this time, the original members Rich Ritchie Richards would die from a crack addiction and T.D. Carter would die in an automobile wreck. The would be replaced by Long John Jones and Ready Teddy respectively.
87- 94 would see us release four more albums including “Krozz Da Line”, “Kickin it Like Chill”, “Ho Sauce” and the slightly darker “TM13 Fo Life” We would continue to rocket up the charts until 95 when the bottom fell out. By 97 the remaining members 9only 3 of which were original) that weren’t dead or in jail, disbanded the group.
Over the next 7 years we would become entrenched in legal battles, three more members would die off and a few would be released from jail. In 2005 the remaining 8 members of the group (everyone would be out of jail at this point) would start planning a reunion tour but it would never get off the ground.
Finally in 2007 VH1 would name us the most influential rap group of all time and invite us to accept an award. Only myself, Sweet Jimmy Ray and E. Lim. Inator would show up. Sweet Jimmy Ray would still refuse to speak to me or E. Lim. Time can’t heal ALL wounds.
After a nice tribute video and a barrage of artists including Dre, Snoop, 50 and many others covering our tunes we would be given the award. That night E. Lim. would die in a hotel fire. Sweet Jimmy Ray and myself would meet up at the funeral and finally bury the hatchet. We would agree to record a new album to cover all the debts the group ran up over the years and call it “TM13RIP”.
We would tour extensively but after the tour Sweet Jimmy Ray would say in an interview that he would never work with me again and that he is releasing a solo album. I guess that’s how it is when you’re in a mid 80’s rap group for too long. Good to know.