BLOOMFIELD — With the death of one of the world’s most celebrated drummers of all time, the question remained as to who inherited his wealth and possessions. One of the most highly contested possessions was his cat, Neville. The logical choice for a new owner fell to SNYDER singer Dustin King, who runs his own cat-breeding ranch and cat-meat farm in the Onalinda woods above Beaverdale, PA. “I got enough cats. I got orange cats, gray cats, blue cats, stray cats. I got white cats, red cats, fat cats, dead cats. Hey, that rhymed!” said the charismatic crooner. King added, “I ain’t takin’ his cat, that cat is a faggot. I ain’t even sellin’ his meat.”
Not even fellow cat enthusiast Jim Groz was willing to bring Neville into his own cat Teddy’s environment. “Teddy is a sensative man, and needs his space. There is simply not enough closets for Teddy to hide in while acclimating to Neville inside my 200-room mansion,” said Groz. With no surviving family members that approved of Cimba’s tumultuous and extravagant homosexuality, Neville was poised for the lethal injection he probably deserved. That is, until ol’ reliable aka King Dut stepped back into the picture. “Cimba has really, really put us out with this death shit. Now we need to pick up his slack with the dykes and queers who buy our shit. I can’t afford to lose that profit from the faggots now that dumbass Cimba screwed us and died. So I guess I need to help his fucking cat. He’s dead and I guess that sucks until we get a long-term replacement, but the money we can lose is substantial.”
What King Dut did for the critter was save his life. “I hooked Neville up with a science lab that I’ve been working with. It was a great opportunity to invest in penis enlargment laser surgery, so I took a shot. The results have been… ‘big’.” The lab was able to reverse the effect and shoot Neville with a shrink ray. “Basically what they did was shave Neville down, shrink him, and shove him in Cimba’s asshole like a gerbil.” The exhumation of the drummer took place earlier this evening. Since Cimba was buried in the doggystyle position (as his will dictated) insertion and completion were easier than everyone figured. “This is the way Cimba would have wanted it. I guess cat’s have nine lives, there’s gotta be enough meat in there for him to survive a couple years, at least.” Cimba’s temporary replacement in SNYDER is celebrated Texas drummer Rick Mitchell.