So I sleep…completely naked. I used to do it because it was sexy and exciting to bring up in conversation to women. I also used to shave up my man parts for the same reason. Even butchers put the best meat right on display. Any how, now I do both for different reasons. Don’t get me wrong ladies, I still want to cater to you, but it has to do a lot more with how crazy I am.
The other night I was laying in bed and I heard a noise out side like some one trying to break in. I got perfectly still and just listened for a while. Then I got up and crept across the floor to my dresser. I started using my cell phone as a flash light, frantically looking around my room for something to fend off the intruder with.
Lucky for me there was a piece of pipe in my room because I was replacing the rod in my closet the next day. So I stood there, I had my weapon, I was listening to the terrible noise and I had to psyche myself up. That’s when it all started.
I stood there, sweat pouring off of me, getting ready to go out there and face whatever menace was trying to break into my home when I remembered, I was naked. Hell, a robber wouldn’t even need a gun to take me down, just a pair of shoes. He could tramp on my toes and I would be done for. Emotions started running high, “Oh fuck, oh shit, oh shit fuck shit, what am I going to do?” Damn it. What if while I am pulling my pants on he breaks in and runs back here and murders me? Shit, what if the cops find me dead with my pants still around my ankles with my ass hanging out? Then this goes from a simple B+E to a strange sex crime. I’m screwed.
Now all this can be considered a slightly normal train of thought. I am sure that in the same situation at least 80% of you would have come to the same thought process. This however is where my crazy side takes over. In fact for the rest of the story lets call him Crazy Pete. Crazy Pete says, hey…wait a minute, nudity gives us the advantage here. Hell, we don’t even need the pipe. If we go running out there bare ass naked and there is an intruder in the house, we just fucking jump on him.
Shit man, lets really kick it up and run out there singing “I Love the Night Life” and mess this dude up. I mean think about it, if you are a burglar and you are in someone’s house burgling around and the owner of the house, who just happens to be a 6’6” white man comes running at you bar ass naked singing “I Love a Parade” what in god’s name are you going to do? Even if you have a gun you’ll be to stunned to use it. Now think about this, all the excitement, adrenaline, all the terror, all the singing; what do you think is going to happen? Erection. Now I have just guaranteed no one is robbing me. The intruder’s only defense would be to take off his pants and start singing, at which point I would run out of the house.
I did eventually work up the nerve to go check out the noise, turns out it was just 2 cats having sex on the porch.