SNYDER: Groz Update.

JOHNSTOWN–

The news out of the SNYDER camp just keeps getting more and more
bizarre as the date approaches for their comeback tour. Earlier
Wednesday, bassist Jim Grosik was accused of recording a rap album
under the name “Gozle” that featured extensive, hate-filled lyrics
towards Mexicans and Mexican immigrants.
Grosik initially denied the
accusations but was then proud of his lyrics once they were read aloud
in his presence.

Grosik subsequently quit the band after learning that the band’s lead
guitarist, Turbo Charger, had been doing damage-control all day to
alleviate the monetary loss SNYDER would endure from losing their
heavy Latino backing. “I love all (expletive) Mexicans. Are you happy
now? I am really going to miss the paychecks that come from SNYDER.
And I also miss the band, I guess,” Groz said late Wednesday as he
rejoined the band. “The truth is that I leaked the rap album myself to
see if anyone was interested in hearing the G-Roz freestyle and lay
down a phat beat. The world is too (expletive) narrow-minded to accept
me as a rap artist. People don’t wanna hear about all these
(expletive) filthy Mexicans taking our jobs and eating all our food.
Just because I am rich and bang hot women all day doesn’t mean I don’t
have a heart and I don’t think about real issues like Mexicans and
(expletive) ragheads. I care about hardworking Americans because I am
one.” Groz would neither confirm nor deny the fact that he has been
rich beyond belief since he was 18 years old because of SNYDER, and
never worked a real day in his life. “What it comes down to is… We
have a lot of (expletive) Mexicans that buy our stuff, and we can’t
afford to lose that income.”

SNYDER’s immense Latino success came after the Mexican single “Como
Estes, Por Favor” which was a ballad about a Mexican buying a Coke for
a homeless woman he later attempts to seduce and ultimately has
intercourse with against her will. The song was a huge hit in Mexico,
where Mexican men routinely use Coca-Cola as a caffeine roofie for the
elderly homeless women that sleep on benches in Mexico City. Lead
singer Dustin King admitted he wrote the song while sitting in a Taco
Bell drive-thru but James St Bodenschatz has always taken credit for
the song’s homicidal and beautiful solo.

“All I want is for Mexicans to go back to Spain where they belong, and
stop cutting my grass 6 times a day,” said Groz. “Just go back to
Mexico and kill yourself and I’ll leave you alone.”

In other SNYDER news, the band has hired a new manager to stop the
“internal menstration”. Colonel Tom Dolan has been added to the team,
a man long heralded as the only glue that could maybe keep the band
together long-term. Dolan was at the press conference to announce
Grosik’s re-admission, in his signature top hat. “This is a new world.
A world of drinking and alcohol and alcohol. This is Rock N Roll
Forever 2009, hear it and (expletive) fear it, you (expletive) dirty
(racial slur).”

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