What has Happened to Pizza in America?

I am a bigtime friend of pizza. I eat pizza all day long in my heart, and at least once a week in my mouth. But things “ain’t like they used to be” as Gramma McCrudden used to say before she was murdered.

I love me a big ol’ independent pizza restaurant. I grew weary and then weary again with the big chains who sell us pussy versions of a real pizza pie. I remember back in the days when BookIt gave out free Pizza Hut coupons to homies who read all da bookz. Going to Pizza Hut used to be a luxury. It was also real fucking good.

Now, years later, i have not really tasted the feces that pizza Hut and the other chains sell on a daily basis. But something caught my eye. Pizza Hut had a natural pizza. “I will try this pizza” is what i said. I called Pizza Hut and ordered a large Natural. She informed me it only came in medium. I asked why they couldn’t just use more dough. That was way too intellectual for her to understand, and she repeated that it only came in medium. I asked how much it was. She said 12 dollars. 12 bucks for a medium pizza. I said, “I can get 2 larges at Little Caesars for that, and get change back.” She didn’t know what to say and I hung up.

Then I get hungry for Papa John’s a few days ago, and I place a call to those maggots asking what the price is for ONE large ONE topping and an order of cheese sticks. 24 dollars. I hung up on her.

Are you fucking kidding me? 24 dollars for a large one topping and an order of chee???? How could an order of chee be so expensive???? Not only is Pizza Hut and Papa Johns expensive as hell now, but their food is shit! The level of quality at Pizza Hut has gone down faster than Frankie on a passed-out Eddie Shore in the bowels of a dank and smelly Joe Louis Arena.

I am so offended that Papa Johns seriously thinks I would pay 24 dollars for a single pizza and chee! In conclusion, if you actively engage in frequenting these establishments, I am going to kick your pepperoni until it looks like Cimba’s vienna sausage.

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