A Keanu Reeves Christmas: Ho Ho Woah!

KR: Ho ho Woah!  Oh hey guys, I didn’t see you there. I just finished up my Kung Fu training for the day and I have to start getting ready for Christmas! Every year I like to throw a big kick-ass Christmas eve party with all of my friends and talk about how great I am…I mean the birth of Jesus is. So c’mon dudes, come along, sing some totally triumphant Christmas songs and get ready to take part in the greatest Christmas ever!



KR: So this year, since my new movie “The Day The Earth Stood Still” totally wailed in theaters, I thought why not have a super amazing totally huge most excellent X-mas bash.

Bill S. Preston Esq!!!

Bill S. Preston Esq!!!

AW: That sounds like a most righteous idea dude!

KR: Dude, Alex Winter, no way. This is the most Non-bogus thing ever!!! Yes!!!

We are...Wyld Stallyns!

We are…Wyld Stallyns!

KR: Man, Alex, this will be the most rockinest Christmas ever now that you’re here. So what have you been up to?

AW: Well since 91 when we did Bogus Journey I have been in Saul of the Mole Men, Bones, Fever, The Borrowers and Freaked!

KR: Woah! What? Aren’t those all totally bogus t.v. shows? I mean We were actors in the same two classic Hollywood movies. Why aren’t you making box office hits like “The Day The Earth Stood Still” and “The Matrix”?

AW: I dunno Keanu, maybe because you forgot how to dial out on your phone and you never called me.

KR: Calm down dude. You are totally harshin’ my Yule Tide Buzz!

AW: You know what? No. You were an asshole then and you’re an asshole now. I am an actor! I went to film school damn it! I was on Broadway!!! You were a douche bag and before you met me you were doing what? The Prince of Pennsylvania? By the way, “Fever” was a movie that I wrote directed and starred in, the only thing you’ve ever written is your own name and you usually spell it Key-on-oooo. Douch Bag! I’m out of here.

KR: Well Alex, thanks for stopping by. It was totally excellent to see you.

AW: Kill yourself Ted. I hate you.

KR: Well he certainly left in a hurry. I hope he doesn’t get a ticket for speeding.

DH and JD: Did some one say Speed?

A Christmas Miracle!!!

A Christmas Miracle!!!

KR: Awww! No way. Dennis Hopper and Jeff Daniels. My buddies from Speed. I can’t believe you guys made it!!! You’re just in time to help me decorate the tree!

Pop quiz asshole!

Pop quiz asshole!

DH: Did someone say we were going to smoke some tree?

The mighty mustache of Daniels!

BEHOLD: The mighty mustache of Daniels!

JD: Where is Bullock? I miss Sandy’s hot ass. I was told she was going to be here. Where is she?

KR: She didn’t make it because she ah…wasn’t invited. I don’t like girls. They smell.

DH: Oh Jesus fucking Christ. I knew I should have stayed home. You bunch of ninny-whacking faggot fucktards are always wasting my time. Piss on this, I am going to get wasted.

KR: Don’t forget your present.

DH: What is it?

KR: It’s the latest Dogstar CD.

The Hopps is pissed!

The Hopps is pissed!

DH: I’ll fucking kill you, you little prick.

Rock on...for Santa!

Rock on…for Santa!

JD: It’s cool, Keanu, we don’t need him. I am still here and I brought my guitar.

Ted "Theodore" Logan

Ted “Theodore” Logan

KR: Sweet we can totally rock out on some Dogstar songs!

JD: Actually, I was thinking we could sing a Christmas song. Something like…

On a silent winter’s ever

A family celebrates

The birth of a child

A king so great

Born in a manger

This child that you know

This tiny child…

KR: Would grow up to say woah?

JD: Really? I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but this song is about Jesus. Not you.

KR: Everything is about me, that’s why I am the greatest actor ever.

JD: That’s it, I’m going to go home, have some sex.

KR: Ew, with a girl? Ew.

D'oh Woah.

D’oh Woah.

KR: Well I guess that didn’t go as well as at could have, but at least the tree is decorated and it looks totally awesome. I mean totally.

KR: Man, this is some good ass egg nog. I wish I had some friends here to drink it with me.

<Starts praying on his knees>

KR: Oh Christmas angel. If I could have just one friend to drink some egg nog with me so I don’t have to spend Christmas alone I will totally change my ways. I realize that my movies are so good and super-ultra-fantastic that it makes all the other actors sad, but I promise I will be nicer to them if I can just have a friend to hang out with.

Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't it?

Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn’t it?

PS: Who wants egg nog?

KR: Oh thank you Christmas angel!!!

PS: What?

KR: I prayed to the Christmas angel for a friend and here you are!!! Totally rad.

PS: Yeah, I know man. Ain’t it wild? That’s what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be it’s master?

KR: Woah, you just totally blew my mind man. What are you talking about?

PS: Never mind, you never could remember a script.

KR: What’s a script?

PS: Exactly.

KR: I’m in a new movie coming out. I play a samurai!

PS: You be nice. Where’s the whiskey?

KR: It’s in the kitchen. Did you bring a designated driver?

PS: Sort of. Gary, get your crazy ass in here.

I was Buddy Holly!

I was Buddy Holly!

GB: When I was in the first grade, I saw a movie called “Samson and Delilah,” the Cecil B. DeMille film, and when it was over, I said to my mother, “Where do all the people go?” And she said, “They go out, and another audience comes in to see the picture show.” And I said, “No, not those people, the people up there.” She said, “You mean the people in the picture show?” And I said, “Yes.” She said, “Well, they go off and they do another picture show, and so we’ll come and see it.” And I said, “That’s what I want to do.” And she said, “You want to be in the picture show?” And I said, “No, I want to tell stories with light.”

KR: Wow.

GB: And light stands for L-I-G-H-T, which stands for Living In God’s Heavenly Thoughts.

PS: You’re freaking the kid out, you crazy son of a bitch.

GB: You know what `FAILING` stands for? It stands for `Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.

KR: This is so fantastisizing. I Know Kung Fu!!!

GB: Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling.

KR: I think that you are a master

GB: You know what `ROMANCE` stands for? It stands for `Relying On Magnificent And Necessary Compatible Energy.

PS: Jesus Christ you people are nuts!!!

GB: You know what `DOUBT` stands for? It stands for Debate On Understanding Bewildersome Thoughts.

KR: YES!!!

PS: NO!!!

GB: You know what `SOBER` stands for? It stands for `Son Of a BITCH, Everything`s Real!

KR: My brain is going to explode!!!

PS: In that case, keep it up Gar!

GB: I could tell by the quadrangle of the verbs used in your sentence.



KR: Well that was a tubular and stimulating discussion. Now the tree is decorated, the stocks are hung by the chimney with care and I have  plate of cookies out for Santa Clause. I guess the night is winding to a close and…

I'm a huge tool!

I’m a huge tool!

BM: Not so fast. You can’t call it Christmas without me!

KR: Woah! It is Bam Margera and his magic yet completely unnecessary scarf!

BM: That’s right Keanu. We are here to help you spread the joy of Christmas.

GB: Let’s all sing a song. And song of course mean Singing Over Nine Grails!

PS: This should be classic. Can someone get me a smoke?

KR: Yeah lets sing. I’ll play bass.

BM: I’ll start!

People pretend to know who I was

before I road Knoxville’s coat tails.

Then I had a show on MTV and introduced H-I-M.

That’s when it went off the rails.

Oh  still act like I’m important

But no one remembers me

Can I please be popular again

I’m so broke I stay warm by hugging jars of pee!

KR: My turn.

I am the greatest actor

the world’s ever seen.

Even Jesus loves my movies

all my money is green.

Woah, woah, woah woah.

Woah woah woah woah.

just got another $20 milion

Woah, woah, woah woah.

PS: I guess I can do one.

Why couldn’t the cancer have got me

before this Christmas eve.

I hate all these people

I should probably leave

If I had just one wish for Christmas

If I could have my way

It would be to go back

To fucking Jennifer Grey.

GB: Its my turn and by turn I mean Time Used Really Neatly!

I am here today

When I should probably be dead

Had a motorcycle accident

That really messed with my head

They say I’m bat shit crazy

but I just can’t tell


Dr. Drew can rot in hell!!!


Merry merry merry Christmas!!!

Keanu ReevesKR: I hope you enjoyed my first annual Christmas Special. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good Woah!

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