A Keanu Reeves Christmas: Ho Ho Woah!

KR: Ho ho Woah!  Oh hey guys, I didn’t see you there. I just finished up my Kung Fu training for the day and I have to start getting ready for Christmas! Every year I like to throw a big kick-ass Christmas eve party with all of my friends and talk about how great I am…I mean the birth of Jesus is. So c’mon dudes, come along, sing some totally triumphant Christmas songs and get ready to take part in the greatest Christmas ever!

kr1

Station!

KR: So this year, since my new movie “The Day The Earth Stood Still” totally wailed in theaters, I thought why not have a super amazing totally huge most excellent X-mas bash.

Bill S. Preston Esq!!!

Bill S. Preston Esq!!!

AW: That sounds like a most righteous idea dude!

KR: Dude, Alex Winter, no way. This is the most Non-bogus thing ever!!! Yes!!!

We are...Wyld Stallyns!

We are…Wyld Stallyns!

KR: Man, Alex, this will be the most rockinest Christmas ever now that you’re here. So what have you been up to?

AW: Well since 91 when we did Bogus Journey I have been in Saul of the Mole Men, Bones, Fever, The Borrowers and Freaked!

KR: Woah! What? Aren’t those all totally bogus t.v. shows? I mean We were actors in the same two classic Hollywood movies. Why aren’t you making box office hits like “The Day The Earth Stood Still” and “The Matrix”?

AW: I dunno Keanu, maybe because you forgot how to dial out on your phone and you never called me.

KR: Calm down dude. You are totally harshin’ my Yule Tide Buzz!

AW: You know what? No. You were an asshole then and you’re an asshole now. I am an actor! I went to film school damn it! I was on Broadway!!! You were a douche bag and before you met me you were doing what? The Prince of Pennsylvania? By the way, “Fever” was a movie that I wrote directed and starred in, the only thing you’ve ever written is your own name and you usually spell it Key-on-oooo. Douch Bag! I’m out of here.

KR: Well Alex, thanks for stopping by. It was totally excellent to see you.

AW: Kill yourself Ted. I hate you.

KR: Well he certainly left in a hurry. I hope he doesn’t get a ticket for speeding.

DH and JD: Did some one say Speed?

A Christmas Miracle!!!

A Christmas Miracle!!!

KR: Awww! No way. Dennis Hopper and Jeff Daniels. My buddies from Speed. I can’t believe you guys made it!!! You’re just in time to help me decorate the tree!

Pop quiz asshole!

Pop quiz asshole!

DH: Did someone say we were going to smoke some tree?

The mighty mustache of Daniels!

BEHOLD: The mighty mustache of Daniels!

JD: Where is Bullock? I miss Sandy’s hot ass. I was told she was going to be here. Where is she?

KR: She didn’t make it because she ah…wasn’t invited. I don’t like girls. They smell.

DH: Oh Jesus fucking Christ. I knew I should have stayed home. You bunch of ninny-whacking faggot fucktards are always wasting my time. Piss on this, I am going to get wasted.

KR: Don’t forget your present.

DH: What is it?

KR: It’s the latest Dogstar CD.

The Hopps is pissed!

The Hopps is pissed!

DH: I’ll fucking kill you, you little prick.

Rock on...for Santa!

Rock on…for Santa!

JD: It’s cool, Keanu, we don’t need him. I am still here and I brought my guitar.

Ted "Theodore" Logan

Ted “Theodore” Logan

KR: Sweet we can totally rock out on some Dogstar songs!

JD: Actually, I was thinking we could sing a Christmas song. Something like…

On a silent winter’s ever

A family celebrates

The birth of a child

A king so great

Born in a manger

This child that you know

This tiny child…

KR: Would grow up to say woah?

JD: Really? I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but this song is about Jesus. Not you.

KR: Everything is about me, that’s why I am the greatest actor ever.

JD: That’s it, I’m going to go home, have some sex.

KR: Ew, with a girl? Ew.

D'oh Woah.

D’oh Woah.

KR: Well I guess that didn’t go as well as at could have, but at least the tree is decorated and it looks totally awesome. I mean totally.

KR: Man, this is some good ass egg nog. I wish I had some friends here to drink it with me.

<Starts praying on his knees>

KR: Oh Christmas angel. If I could have just one friend to drink some egg nog with me so I don’t have to spend Christmas alone I will totally change my ways. I realize that my movies are so good and super-ultra-fantastic that it makes all the other actors sad, but I promise I will be nicer to them if I can just have a friend to hang out with.

Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't it?

Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn’t it?

PS: Who wants egg nog?

KR: Oh thank you Christmas angel!!!

PS: What?

KR: I prayed to the Christmas angel for a friend and here you are!!! Totally rad.

PS: Yeah, I know man. Ain’t it wild? That’s what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be it’s master?

KR: Woah, you just totally blew my mind man. What are you talking about?

PS: Never mind, you never could remember a script.

KR: What’s a script?

PS: Exactly.

KR: I’m in a new movie coming out. I play a samurai!

PS: You be nice. Where’s the whiskey?

KR: It’s in the kitchen. Did you bring a designated driver?

PS: Sort of. Gary, get your crazy ass in here.

I was Buddy Holly!

I was Buddy Holly!

GB: When I was in the first grade, I saw a movie called “Samson and Delilah,” the Cecil B. DeMille film, and when it was over, I said to my mother, “Where do all the people go?” And she said, “They go out, and another audience comes in to see the picture show.” And I said, “No, not those people, the people up there.” She said, “You mean the people in the picture show?” And I said, “Yes.” She said, “Well, they go off and they do another picture show, and so we’ll come and see it.” And I said, “That’s what I want to do.” And she said, “You want to be in the picture show?” And I said, “No, I want to tell stories with light.”

KR: Wow.

GB: And light stands for L-I-G-H-T, which stands for Living In God’s Heavenly Thoughts.

PS: You’re freaking the kid out, you crazy son of a bitch.

GB: You know what `FAILING` stands for? It stands for `Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.

KR: This is so fantastisizing. I Know Kung Fu!!!

GB: Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling.

KR: I think that you are a master

GB: You know what `ROMANCE` stands for? It stands for `Relying On Magnificent And Necessary Compatible Energy.

PS: Jesus Christ you people are nuts!!!

GB: You know what `DOUBT` stands for? It stands for Debate On Understanding Bewildersome Thoughts.

KR: YES!!!

PS: NO!!!

GB: You know what `SOBER` stands for? It stands for `Son Of a BITCH, Everything`s Real!

KR: My brain is going to explode!!!

PS: In that case, keep it up Gar!

GB: I could tell by the quadrangle of the verbs used in your sentence.

WOAH!

WOAH!

KR: Well that was a tubular and stimulating discussion. Now the tree is decorated, the stocks are hung by the chimney with care and I have  plate of cookies out for Santa Clause. I guess the night is winding to a close and…

I'm a huge tool!

I’m a huge tool!

BM: Not so fast. You can’t call it Christmas without me!

KR: Woah! It is Bam Margera and his magic yet completely unnecessary scarf!

BM: That’s right Keanu. We are here to help you spread the joy of Christmas.

GB: Let’s all sing a song. And song of course mean Singing Over Nine Grails!

PS: This should be classic. Can someone get me a smoke?

KR: Yeah lets sing. I’ll play bass.

BM: I’ll start!

People pretend to know who I was

before I road Knoxville’s coat tails.

Then I had a show on MTV and introduced H-I-M.

That’s when it went off the rails.

Oh  still act like I’m important

But no one remembers me

Can I please be popular again

I’m so broke I stay warm by hugging jars of pee!

KR: My turn.

I am the greatest actor

the world’s ever seen.

Even Jesus loves my movies

all my money is green.

Woah, woah, woah woah.

Woah woah woah woah.

just got another $20 milion

Woah, woah, woah woah.

PS: I guess I can do one.

Why couldn’t the cancer have got me

before this Christmas eve.

I hate all these people

I should probably leave

If I had just one wish for Christmas

If I could have my way

It would be to go back

To fucking Jennifer Grey.

GB: Its my turn and by turn I mean Time Used Really Neatly!

I am here today

When I should probably be dead

Had a motorcycle accident

That really messed with my head

They say I’m bat shit crazy

but I just can’t tell

I AM BUDDY HOLLY

Dr. Drew can rot in hell!!!

Group:

Merry merry merry Christmas!!!

Keanu ReevesKR: I hope you enjoyed my first annual Christmas Special. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good Woah!

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