Yo Joe! Joe Wurzelbacher Reporting: Part One

jtpHi there loyal fans. This is Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher a.k.a. Joe the Plumber a.k.a. Joe the War Correspondent. A bunch of those guys over at Pajamas Media decided to hire me cause I was pretty much unemployed and send me to Gaza. Great idea right? Wrong. As it turns out Gaza is actually a war torn zone in the Middle East and not a delicious ice cream shop like I originally thought.  You live and learn though right?

So I guess the first question to answer is why did I decide to become a reporter. Well here it goes. Last year I was sittin around tryin to figure out how I could become a little better off. Ya see I worked as a plumber, but I never actually was one. I mean I know how to bond pvc pipes together and stuff but I never completed the apprentice program to actually BE a plumber.  Anyhow I worked as a plumber for a while and as I was stuck under sinks and behind toilets I started to form some opinions. Anyhow one day I was playin football in my front yard and some black dude showed up and started to talk to people. I was concerned he was tryin to move into my neighborhood so I went over to see what all the hub bub was. As it turns out it was Obama.

Anyhow I called him a socialist because lets face it, unless you’re a white middle class American trying to live WAY beyond your means, you’re a socialist. Well next thing I know Obama and McCain are talking directly to me at their debates. Well after some nosey people did some pokin around I got fired cause I didn’t actually have a licence to plumb.  Anyway I was out of money.

So I was sittin there tryin to figure out how the hell I was gonna buy more shaving cream AND pay for ESPN’s Gameplan so  could watch my beloved Buckeyes ALL THE FRICKIN TIME when someone asked me if I was going to run for congress in 2010. I was like “Heck yes I’m up for it”. I mean what the hell else did I have to do and God forbid anyone with any actual experience get elected. I mean look at Sarah Palin I think she had TOO MUCH experience to get elected. They should asked Sarah Lipwitz, the night manager of the Burger King in Columbus.

Anyway, after that I was down at Ace Hardware buying some spackle when I figured, “Hey, for some reason people think that my uneducated, repeatedly proven as falsified, opinion is important. I should do commercials”! I started slinging digital converter boxes and they paid me enough to go out and get an autographed Marty Genetti poster.

I wrote a book too, but no body really read it. I mean its not that big a deal. Another dude wrote it, I just hung out, ate some Taco Bell and answered some questions. I figured he was probably a pinko commie and wanted to kill Israel with B.O. and I frickin booked. Get it. Book. Booked. Ha ha ha. I frickin kill me.

Next this total frickin d-bag, Michael Tomasky, puts me on the list of the 19 worst Americans. ME! Cheesus. Me! How could he do that? He’s a frickin commie. That’s how.

Anyway after that those dudes at Pajamas said, “Hey, why don’t you go be a reporter”. I frickin did it and I RULE at it. OH YEAH!

Turns out Pajamas got like 20 Bajillion posts about what a loser I am. Frickin Socialists, all of em. Then my boss decided, I guess to appease the crowd, to tell every one my reporting was “B to B+”. Well frick that. I am Double A Plus all the way so I frickin decided to report my stuff here on Hey Stupid.  You know I remember someone else who tried to save other people with the same beliefs as him and a crowd of nameless faces shouting “Crucify Him!”.

Anyway. This is Joe The Plu…I mean Joe The War Correspondent signing off. Keep Fighting for the American Dream!

Read my second report HERE.

3 responses to “Yo Joe! Joe Wurzelbacher Reporting: Part One

  1. fortunavictrix

    God your an Asshole and your loving it, but ain’t that America.

    One of the reasons it’s crumbling down.

    One would need wings to stay above the bullshit in this country.

    So keep on shoveling your shit Joe, but don’t call it CREATIVE WRITING.

    Nothing CREATIVE about it, just common hate and narrow minded bullshit.

  2. I appreciate your vigor but please tell me that you realize that none of this is actually written by Joe. It is just a joke based on my own boredom and my dislike of Joe.

  3. fortunavictrix

    What a relief, Rocky D. But it is not out of the realms of possibility
    that the actual person would write such nonsense. Very good piece of
    parody. Just heard in the news disturbing things that this man’s advice
    was actually being taken seriously. So I googled him out of boredom
    too, and found this and did not have the time to wade through it all. I’m glad this is a joke but somewhere out there, this man is a puppet for others to dance. And it is transparent that he is mouthing things for self serving goals.

    But good JOKE, rocky you got me. I sit with big grin on face.

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