Hey there my non-commie American brethren and…sisteren? Yeah. Sisteren. Hey there my non-commie American brethren and Sistern. How’s everyone doing today? I hope you are all feeling pretty good. I tell you what, I have been hanging out over here in Israel for the last couple of days and let me tell ya, there are A LOT of frickin Jews here.
I met up with my guide yesterday. His name is Benjamin or Abraham or something. I just call him Keeto. Anyhoo, Keeto took me around to a lot of sweet frickin places but then he asked if I wanted to go see the whaling wall. I was like, “FRICK YES!” I mean seein a whole wall devoted to burly, beareded men killin fat-ass whales with harpoons is exactly what I needed. You know what? There weren’t no frickin whales. It was just a bunch of people crying and praying. Then there were twistin up pieces of paper and just puttin them in the cracks in the wall. I think they were Big Mac wrappers but I couldn’t say for sure.
Well even though there weren’t any frickin whales I figured that all these people must have considered the wall pretty important so being the handy man I am I decided that if the wall had all those cracks in it the structural integrity was probably compromised fillin it full of Big Mac wrappers is no way to go. I decided to make it a gift to the Israelis for bein such generous hosts so I had Keeto distract them all. I yanked out all the little bits of paper, filled in the cracks and put up a Stucco and fascia combination. I thought it looked frickin sweet and the Jews must have thought so too because they started screaming and whooping it up. Then you know what? They held a vigil for me. They lit a bunch of torches and started lookin all over for me. I aint no publicity hound though so I just left.
This morning Keeto and I went of to Gaza and rootin tootin they’re stil shootin. Can you believe that? I wouldda thought as soon as those filthy towel heads heard that Big Joe Wurzelbacher was in town they wouldda calmed their camel ridin asses down. I guess its time for me to go over there and talk some frickin sense into them. I’m a Christian God will protect me.
Well everyone I gotta go.This is Joe The War Correspondent signing off. Keep Fighting for the American Dream!
Be sure to check out my first report HERE.