An open letter to Colbie Caillat

Shut up.

Your song structure is crap. Your dad produced two of the best Fleetwood Mac albums of all time, it isn’t like you could have down a litle better. Your music, the actual musical accompaniment is bland at best. It is just drivel.

Your lyrics are god awful. You don’t tell a story, you don’t develop a thought process, you don’t invite a listener into your songs, you just spit out useless pop lines and then repeat them over and over again. Its like you are singing a song written by Beyonce Knowles.

You really need to drop the whole “I made it on my own on myspace” thing.  Your dad worked for Billy Idol, Frank Sinatra, Pat Benatar, Wilson Phillips, the Beach Boys, Christine McVie, Herbie Hancock, Alice Cooper and Fleetwood Mac. He produced some HUGE albums. If my dad were an amazing record producer I could “make it big on myspace”.

I know a lot of people are going to ask me why I bother writing this and they will probably say some stupid shit like I am just jealous, but here is the truth…Every time I hear your god awful over-played songs I want to slaughter my co-workers and bathe in their blood.

Now, here comes the constructive part:

You have a good vocal range and your voice IS pleasant to listen to. Even though I don’t care for the music you write you at least appear to know how to play your instrument and although I think it is bland run-of-the-mill horse shit your music does feature some hooks which means you at least have an ear for it. My suggestions would be…

1) Write music that is unique. I know that’s hard because there is SO MUCH music out there and it is so easy to write shit, but just try it. In fact it doesn’t even have to be completely unique, just write something that doesn’t sound like forgettable pop.

2) Try writing lyrics that go somewhere. Try developing a thought from start to finish in your lyrics. I know that “Bubbly” got a shit load of hits, but be honest. You have to understand that 99% of people that dug that song have no taste in music and won’t even remember who you are in 3 months.

3) Showcase your voice more. Anyone can sing but very few can sing really well and you do seem to have that going for you.

Seriously, what the fuck is a “bubbly face”?

One response to “An open letter to Colbie Caillat

  1. My wife and 8 year old daughter like her and I think I understand why. Her music is pleasant. But it’s not challenging. More than 5 minutes of it is too much to handle for me. She’s pretty typical of pop artists of the last 50 years. Very little of what is pleasing to a child is good for the rest of us.

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