The Kicker of Ass of the Year for 2008

koaotw

All the votes are in. The 2008 Kicker of Ass of The Year is…

A three way tie between Snake Plissken, Steve Guttenberg and Lindsay Lohan’s Shaved Vagina. Each of those three contenders recieved %15 of all the votes cast. Since we can’t have anything end in a tie we will list all three contenders and re-opening the voting. Voting will end on February 16th. If you have a favorite, vote early and vote often. Here are the nominees.

c_snake_plissken-738606Snake Plissken is a former U.S. Army Lieutenant; serving under Special Forces Unit Black Light, with two Purple Hearts, and the youngest soldier to be decorated by the U.S. President for bravery during campaigns in Leningrad and Siberia in World War III against the USSR.

Some time later, he turned to a life of crime, probably due to the perceived betrayal of the United States government during the “Leningrad Ruse”. Snake took up with partners Harold Hellman and Fresno Bob. In Kansas City around 1993, Hellman apparently let Plissken and Fresno Bob get cornered by police, at which time Fresno Bob was brutally tortured and killed by sadistic law enforcers within the United States Police Force.

Snake was arrested in 1997 after breaking into the U.S. Federal Reserve in Denver, Colorado. Following the heist, the story of his capture was filmed, although the footage was cut from the beginning of the movie. It can be seen on supplementary materials on the VHS and DVD editions of Escape from New York.

He was sentenced to life in New York maximum security prison, the entire island of Manhattan, surrounded by an impenetrable wall and left in an anarchic state. At this time, Air Force One was hijacked and crashed into Manhattan, and the President was captured by the Duke of New York, the de facto leader of the prison. Robert Hauk offered Snake a full pardon for every criminal action he committed if he would go in and rescue the President within 24 hours. Plissken succeeded with the help of Harold Hellman (now known as Brain, and working for the Duke of New York), Brain’s “squeeze” Maggie and a taxicab driver nicknamed Cabby. Only Plissken and the President survived in their escape.

Sixteen years later, Snake was once again enlisted for a similar situation. This time, he was forced to retrieve a disk for a remote control which controlled a series of EMP style satellites. These devices were positioned around the entire world. The disk was somewhere in Los Angeles. The city had separated from the mainland due to an earthquake in August 2000 and had become an island separate from the United States which had become a totalitarian theocratic state.

Snake has won every “Battle of the Balls” competition in Hey Stupid! history and holds the title of  “Undisputed Champion” of Hey Stupid!. He is a personal hero of most writers on the site.

steve_guttenberg

Steven Robert “Steve” Guttenberg (born August 24, 1958) is an American actor and comedian. He became known during the 1980s, after a series of starring roles in major Hollywood films, including Cocoon, Three Men and a Baby, Police Academy, and Short Circuit. In 2008 Guttenberg was one of 12 contestants on the 6th season of Dancing with the Stars. On April 1st, he was eliminated from the show.

Steve WAS the funny behind Police Academy and was pretty damned good in short circuit. He has twice been a “Battle of the Balls” runner up and according to some of the writers of Hey Stupid! is a secret master of Guttentang Soo Do and now lives as an assassin.

linday_lohan_vagina

Miss Lohan’s shaved smooth vag has filled my spank bank on more than one occasion and honestly is well on its way to making me pause what I am doing and beat off like a caged monkey looking at banana porn. Sure she acts like a cum dumpster most of the time but look at them titties. And I bet her ass tastes like Ecto Cooler. I would pound that clam like it owed me money and you know you would too.


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