Friday morning at 12:01 AM (Thursday night to most of you) Stratt the Ripper and I were at our local theater purchasing tickets to see Friday the 13th. Stratt and I are both hard-core, long-term horror fans and we will pretty much watch anything that falls into that genre not matter how good or awful it is.
We have gotten some true surprises out of the genre, for example, 2006’s “Black Sheep” is still one of my favorite movies and I thought it was going to be complete shit. That being said our three favorite horror franchises are Friday the 13th, Child’s Play and A nightmare on Elm Street. We both pretty much stayed away from spoilers and trailers for the new FT13 flick so we were going in fresh. All I knew was that it was made by Platinum Dunes. For me this was a sign it could go either way. It could have gone horribly, stupendously wrong because Micheal Bay was involved, or it could have followed the path of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Amityville Horror re-makes and actually be pretty good.
Unfortunately it was the former rather than the latter. I was so disappointed with this steaming heap of shit that had I not been in good company I probably would have left.
From this point on this review contains spoilers.
OK. The movie starts out on a good foot. They followed the Jason Voorhees dies because of counselors who would rather be fuckin and suckin than watching a little retarded kid. He drowns in the lake and his mother comes back to punish them. Before she kills the last one she has her head cut off. OK. that is solid Jason Mythos up to this point. I won’t go back into the original series a whole lot, but that was basically the plot of the first movie condensed into 2 minutes. The chick playing Mr.s Voorhees was creepy as shit and I thought it was a cool intro. Unfortunately this is where the story diverges.
Little Jason was watching when his mom’s head got hacked off. This sets off a whole string of problems for me. First off, I always dug Jason because it was kind of insinuated that he was undead in the original series. The fact that he is undead answers a lot of questions. Does he eat? Does he need to live in a house? Does he care if that house has electricity or not? These all might seem like strange questions but I will come back to them later. The other thing that being undead meant was that he could come back as an unstoppable killing machine over and over again. Where they fucked up this one was having Mrs. Voorhees start offing campers almost the same day that her son dies and then having the little guy watch his mom die.
This means that he didn’t actually die. That means that he just got out of the lake somewhere else and was lost in the woods only to make it back to camp to see his mom get killed.
So alright, I let that go for a while and we fast forward to the present. There are five kids on their way up to Crystal Lake because two of them have a lead on a secret garden of pot growing up in the hills. They get lost and set up a camp. There are some scenes to establish who needs to die and who doesn’t. This is another point I want to talk about because they fuck this all up too. For me and a lot of other people I talk with, the producers kill off those characters that deserve it. For instance, if a bitch is a slut, she’s dead. If a dude is a douce, dead. Drinking or getting high, dead. Acting like an ass, dead.
So alright it is established that the viewer wants everyone to die but the red headed chick and for the first 20 minutes of the movie, that is exactly what happens. That’s right, in 20 minutes Jason kills 5 people. I was getting a little disgusted because the deaths were piss poor. I mean the only decent one was Jason hanging a chick over a fire in a sleeping bag and letting her burn to death and even that wasn’t as gory as it should have been. I was also worried because I thought it meant we had an hour and 10 minutes of the movie left and only the red headed girl left to kill.
That’s when the words “Friday the 13th” splash across the screen and you realize that was just the setup to the rest of the movie. I will admit. That was fucking cool. I was totally caught off guard and I even remarked to Stratt that this movie may totally kick ass.
I was wrong.
The second group of kids shows up to party at Crystal Lake 6 weeks later. They are established as a complete group of losers you want to die save for three. The brunette, the black dude and the Asian kid. The black dude and the Asian kid were both really cool characters that you wanted to see develop and the brunette was a goodie-two-shoes that you knew would stay alive. Eventually a few more characters are introduced, the dude who is hunting for his sister (the red head from the first group) a cop who was on the search and rescue team who looked for the first group of kids, a crazy ass hillbilly and a strange old woman who was kind of like the old guy in the original movie who yelled “their all doomed”.
The strange old woman was gone from the movie as soon as she said her part and you didn’t see her again. The cop shows back up later in the movie only to be killed after about 30 seconds of screen time, which I have a small problem with. I would be totally fine with Jason killing the cop if they put some foundation to it. They could have easily played up the fact that the cop was the ONE CHANCE they had to get out alive and after he was instantly killed they lost all hope. No one really seemed to care which made the whole seen pointless.
The crazy ass hillbilly was a cool character. I mean you hated him, but he was good comic relief. I knew Jason was going to kill him, as did everyone else in the theater, I just think they killed. He was one of those characters that would have made for a great death if they just drug it out a little bit.
OK so, there was a two blond douche dudes and two blond bitches. The first blond dude and chick get killed on the lake. Before I go on I should say that there is a standard in place that I have noticed in the old series that the more the movie makes the viewer hate a certain character, the more gory their death will be. That rule applies to these two. Out of the group these were the least irritating douches so the dude got an arrow through the head and the chick (who was topless for no reason but had an amazing rack) got stabbed through the top of the head.
The cool Asian kid got offed next which I wish they would have waited on. I mean, you knew he was going to die, but I wish they would have developed his character a little more. Same with the black guy. Neither one of them were developed enough to establish if they deserved to die or if they died as heroes and their deaths weren’t really that interesting. The Asian kid got a screw-driver in his neck and the black dude got an ax in his back. Whatever. There was a table saw and a bug zapper featured prominently in the area where those two minorities got kiled, why not use them? At leas it would have been interesting.
The next blond chick that gets it, Alright, maybe she “deserved” to die because she is fucking the dude that I guess was the brunettes boyfriend. They never really explained that. Jason is watching them fuck and so that of course means the bitch is going to die. At this point we had a few deaths, but again nothing that jumped out at you as a cool Jason death. Just regular death. Jason picks the girl up and impales her on a set of mounted antlers, I guess to convey the idea that she “got horny” (get it) and that’s why she died. There was a perfect opportunity to have the dude who was fucking her think he was the one who killed her (you’ll see it when you see the movie) because he shoots her corpse which could have lead to him being psychologically tortured, but no.
Now comes the king blond douche. This is the guy the audience is made to hate the entire time. I mean we are all rooting for him to die. We want to see entrails, or brain matter or exploding body parts. Nothing. Jason just sort of kills him. Eh.
Well, during all of this killing it is established that the red head is still alive. Eventually her brother and the brunette find her and rescue here. I want to take a moment here to bitch about a few things. As I mentioned earlier, in the original series Jason was pretty much undead so he didn’t need to eat or have electricity or a house, but in this one he is. I can accept the fact that he probably eats his victims and/or woodland creatures, but how does he have lights at his house? The camp was shut down. Where is the electricity coming from? Does he walk his ugly ass into town every month to mail out his bill? If so where does he get the money to pay it? Maybe he pays it in fingers. Alright, sure, the more acceptable answer is he uses a generator. Where does he get the gasoline? I knw this is a stupid question but it was a whole they left with their own stupidity.
Anyhow they three of them are escaping Jason when the brunette dies for no reason at all. She wasn’t a whore, she was compassionate and she wasn’t killed in a heroic fashion. There was no reason for her to be killed off. Idon’t care that she died, she was kind of a lame character but there was no motivation behind it. I was really let down.
After a fight the brother and sister escape to the barn where the hillbilly was killed and they eventually toss Mr. Voorhees into a wood chipper. At the end of the movie they dump his dead ass in a lake and in a tribute to the end of the original movie Jason pops up out of the water and grabs the red head.
Overall nothing about this movie was exciting. There was nothing new or memorable in this movie and it really didn’t need to be made. As a long time Jason fan I was fine with the 11 movies that Mr. Voorhees has made an appearance in so far and I didn’t really didn;t need or want this re-boot. It was boring as shit and a waste of my money and my time, when I could have been sleeping.
0 out of 10, (Maybe 1 out of 10 for the creative intro)
Platinum Dunes is doing the new Night Mare on Elm Street Series. If they fuck that one up I am setting people on fire.