Alright, so first of all I was on vacation all of last week and the only things people were talking about were that some redneck disappeared, claimed he was on the Appalachian Trail and in reality was bonin’ the shit out of some broad in Argentina after watching too many episodes of “Sexo Urbano” on HBO Latino, Ed Mcmahon killed over and that those two ugly fucks from John and Saggy Vagina plus 8 were finally getting a divorce. Of all of that, Eddie Mac was the only one I cared about because I remember watching the tonight show with my grandfather and laughing my ass off at him. Don’t get me wrong, Johnny was hilarious, but without ED he wouldn’t have been nearly as good.
So then Thursday rolls around and I hear on the way to work that Farrah Fawcett died. Now as far as Farrah is concerned, the infamous poster was just a hair before my time, but I know what hot was and she was it. Seriously, her body was amazing, she had nipples you just wanted to suck on and the older she got the hotter she got. She was the girl next door and the girl an entire generation of men flogged the dolphin too. Then in the end she got a horrible cancer and I felt terrible for her. I mean it sucked and I honestly feel really bad for her family, but because her apex was just outside of my timeline, I didn’t feel that connected to her.
Then Thursday at lunchtime I turn on my phone to check my messages and it almost exploded with 50,000 texts about Michael Jackson dying. I didn’t know what the fuck to think. It was Michael FUCKING Jackson, the biggest superstar in the world. Now right off the bat I am going to squash all the shit about him raping kids. Yes it was all great fodder for jokes and yes I made fun of it a lot, but when it comes right down to it I have heard a ton of arguments both for and against it and honestly other than the kids, the parents and Jacko, who gives a shit if he did or didn’t? Garry Glitter had millions of photos of naked children, went to about a dozen different Asian countries to rape the shit out of little kids and aside from me, I don’t know of anyone making jokes about him. You know why? Because most people don’t even know who the fuck Gary Glitter is and if you do then you are probably from England. Then only song anyone outside of England ever cared about that was written by Gary Glitter was “Rock N’ Roll Part 2” and the only fucking word was “Hey”. AND with out the Dun da dun-dun dun- HEY! Dun dun da dun, you probably wouldn’t even know that is the song you hear at every sporting event.
So why do people pick on Jackson so much? Because he was a fucking GOD. as a nation we have been obsessed with him since he was nine years old. He changed his skin color, had 7 new faces, married Lisa Marie “Who Gives A Fuck” Presley, lived in a zoo and was accused of sticking it in at least 3 kids and we were all still rooting for him. Admit it, every single Michael Jackson video is the coolest video you’ve ever seen. Fuck man even “Rock With You” where he is wearing the silver suit is interesting. “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough”, all he did was wear a tux and dance in front of some bubbles and that shit will still hypnotize you. “Smooth Criminal” was an alright song, but when someone says the title what do you think of? Alien Ant Farm who did a cool cover of it? No, because that song isn’t THAT fucking good no matter who does it. What you think of is Michael Jackson keeping both feet planted side by side and leaning down almost to the floor while wearing a Fedora.
What I am getting at is that Jackson could have made watching him buy an Orange interesting if he threw a “Sha’mon” in there and grabbed his crotch. He WAS entertainment. Now he’s gone and I feel like the last piece of my childhood is finally dead. I anted to make a joke here, and god knows there is plenty of them, but I won’t. He was too good a humanitarian for too long, he gave too much of himself to the world and even though Joe Jackson may have been him into bat shit craziness he still loved every one of his fans. You know what, even if he did molest a couple of kids he could murder a few coked up whores, feed glass to puppies, kick a nun and shit on my mom’s chest and he would still be a better person than I could ever hope to be.
Billy Mays died too which also sucks. I really wanted to write more about it but I am just too pissed off about Michael Jackson being dead now to write any more. What the hell kind of week was this?