So the other night I came home from a good night of tossing back adult beverages and throwing darts with Stratt and our mutual friend and after I mixed myself a martini and had a handful of Doritos I sat down in my favorite chair and put on VH1 Classic as is my usual routine.
It was about 2:30 in the morning and I was looking forward to the “Metal Mania” block of programming, which if you aren’t familiar with, it is a collection of older hard rock and metal videos.
Now I love metal, I LOVE metal but I can not offer any defense for how shitty metal videos have always been. Honestly I dunno how bands that make music that is so good can turn around and make videos that are SOOOOO shitty.
Now that we have established that most metal videos are bad and look like a video production student’s first project, I would like to point out that on this particular night, these particular videos are the worst I have ever seen. I mean they were like a Billy Ray Cyrus movie.
The first video that poked its way into my brain was “Heat the Street” by Axe. Axe, as a band REALLY wants you to think that they are the American version of Motorhead, but they fall…a little short. Don’t beat yourself up if you’ve never heard of them, they were one of those hardrock/metal acts of the 80’s that fell in line with the Scorpions and Ozzy, but never had one truly memorable hit, so the don’t get a lot of air play these days.
The video, which you can see HERE is without a doubt one of the craziest fucking things you’ll ever see. I tried to embed it directly here, but VH1 and wordpress don’t seem to be hooking up, so you actually have to click the link.
Almost the entire video is shot in heat vision, there is a Gibson SG flying around like a god damned rocket, and a bunch of sweaty dudes rocking out. There is also a big fat ass cop, an orgy with some unattractive women and a guy riding a motorcycle that, when not being ridden is apparently kept in his bedroom because you can see the bike during the orgy.
At one point our leather pants wearing hero is cuffed but Officer Fatass, and still manages to help shred on a guitar while cuffed and another dude strums it. The bad also includes a keytarist which totally blows my mind, it’ll blow yours too. The most confusing part is apparently its all a dream? I dunno, I guess.. well who gives a shit? I mean really?
Next up was the video for Krokus’ “Screaming in the Night”. Now some people will probably give me shit but I have always thought that Krokus should rename themselves Suckus. This video does absolutely nothing to change that, and the worst part is you can tell that the dudes in the band think this video is the shit. I say it is shit, but watch it and decide for yourself.
I watched this video from start to finish a couple of times and I can’t figure out what the hell is going on. There is a seen that looks like it was cut from a gay porn version of Conan, there is somekind of Lesbian rape shop, some soccer moms in spandex work out clothes, a WWII general, a cardboard pyramid with this fake door that just pisses me off, some aweful lightning strikes and then…dude wakes up way too close to naked, puts on some high tops and a jean jacket and climbs down a ladder into a diner where he kicks the shit out of people’s food and screams at a t.v. WHY? WHY?
Number 3 comes to us from the band Alcatrazz. The only thing most people (by most people I mean people that don’t live in their mom’s basement/attic doing nothing but listening to records from the 80’s and looking at their wall full of posters while beating off to Lita Ford) may know of this band are their two mind bending guitarists, Steve Vai and Yngwie Malmsteen.
This song in particular sucks my swollen left testical. It really is shitty as fuck and the video looks…well it looks like a late 70’s porno shot on shag carpet in a shitty hotel room. There’s a prison and a night club and some unattractive women in thigh highs and a gay Simon Le Bon. The video is also just as unexplainable and shitty as the rest…so here ya go.
The final batter up in the line up for today is the video for “Planet Caravan” by Pantera. Now, as far as I’m concerned, there is no greater metal than the metal of Pantera. From Dime’s guitar mastery to Phil’s vocal rang to Vin’s skill behind the kit to Rex’s hammering bass, Pantera WAS metal. Unfortunately I have NEVER seen a good Pantera video.
Oh I have the special collector’s edition video compilation DVD and…nothing, all crap. One of the strangest videos in the world however was the video for Planet Caravan. Not only do I have no idea what’s going on, I don’t even know what I’m looking at. It’s bad CGI, like a seed or something, I dunno, maybe a sunflower seed, falling on a dead planet, exploding and causing the world to grow. I…guess. I really just have no idea.
Well guys, that’s all I got for today. If there is something in particular you want me to take a look at, just let me know and I certainly will look at it, laugh and review it.