Private Eyes Aren’t Watching Me:The True Story of Oates

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Once upon a time in 1949 in early April there was a terrible electrical storm. A young woman was walking alone through the streets of  New York looking for a place to get out of the rain. She rounded a corner into a dark alley and was struck by a large bolt of lightning. She laid there, out cold, for 6 hours before a homeless person finally found her and went for help. She was rushed to the emergency room, barely breathing.

When she awoke she was told about what happened and that she had given birth to a healthy baby boy. This puzzled her as before the storm she wasn’t pregnant. One can only assume that the lightning bolt was the mighty “Thrust” of Zeus planting his seed in Mrs. Oates.

The child was born with a thick mat of curly pubic hair covering his body, from his strange “white boy” fro to his to knuckles. He was also the first baby in the history of New York born with a full on porn ‘stache.

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She named the baby John and eventually moved to North Wales, Pennsylvania. John grew up strong and boisterous with an unquenchable thirst for adventure. He spent much of his youth studying the skills of the ninja and of the samurai. He became a master of melee weapons, hand to hand combat, stealth, poisons, and philosophy.

After high school he went to Temple University where he met up with another young adventurer Daryl Hall. The two became good friends and started writing mediocre music together.

One night after a show Oates was walking back to his apartment when he got the disticnt feeling he was being followed. Applying his knowledge of stealth he waited for his follower to make himself known and then he attacked. He pinned the man to the ground and subdued him without breaking a sweat.

After a few moments the man revealed he workd for the CIA and that the agency has “had their eye on him”.  The man Identified himself by a codename, Gino (The Manager) and offered Oates the oppertunity to join the agency as a covert assassin. Gino’s proposal was to get Hall and Oates signed to a lable so they could travel the world performing music and Oates could use that as his cover to carry out his political murders. The only downfall was that Oates would have to agree to play the part of the less intelligent, less attractive, less interesting of the duo so as not to attract attention to himself.

At first Oates turned the offer down, but after his mother told him the story of how he was concieved and his birth, he realized that this was his destiny, this is what he trained his whole life for.

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Oates got back in touch with Gino and agreed to the terms. He was assigned the codename, Crazy Eyes, and after the release of 1976’s “Bigger Than Both Of Us” he was given his first assignment.

Crazy Eyes is tasked by Gino to go to Vietnam to search for American POWs remaining in Vietnamese captivity.

Crazy Eyes is not able to attack or engage the enemy. Instead, Crazy Eyes is ordered to take photographs of a North Vietnamese military base to prove to the American public there are no more POWs in Vietnam.

Crazy Eyes works with a Vietnamese woman known as “The Girl Who Used To Be”, who is an anti-communist Vietnamese rebel serving as an intelligence agent for Crazy Eyes. However, Crazy Eyes discovers that there is a POW camp where he was dropped; POWs are rotated between camps, and coincidentally are nearby when he was dropped. Crazy Eyes breaks one POW out of the camp and attempts to escape, only to be refused access to the base by Gino and to have himself and the POW recaptured by the Vietnamese soldiers. Crazy Eyes is immobilized in a pit of sewage and leeches, then tortured by Soviet soldiers, who are allied with the Vietnamese and training Vietnamese soldiers. The Girl Who Used To Be enters the base under the guise of a prostitute for hire, where she aids Crazy Eyes in escaping. After Crazy Eyes expresses his deepest gratitude for his rescue, the two share a kiss, after The Girl Who Used To Be implores him to take her back to America with him. However, as they prepared to move on, The Girl Who Used To Be is shot down by surprise gunfire.

Enraged, Crazy Eyes then acts on his own initiative and starts a one-man rescue mission, stealing a Soviet helicopter and breaking all the POWs out of captivity. After returning to the US base in Thailand with all the POWs, Crazy Eyes becomes enraged at how the United States government has ignored the existence of surviving soldiers being held captive. Crazy Eyes then threatens Gino and tells him to be forthright with the American public regarding the truth of the POWs and to spare no expense in rescuing them all, else he will return for his hide. When Gino says Crazy Eyes will be honored once again, he declines, saying the POWs deserve medals and accolades more than him as they were regular soldiers who endured torture and extraordinary hardships. For his actions in Vietnam, Crazy Eyes then remains in Thailand to reside.

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Instead of staying in Thailand long he returned to the U.S. to record Beauty on a Back Street. Agent Crazy Eyes remained inactive simply releasing albums such as “Along the Red Ridge” and “X-Static” and having sex with literally tens of chicks.

After the release of “Voices” in 1980, the agency came calling on Crazy Eyes again. This time they need him to take on Operation: Every time You Go Away.  While most of the details of this mission are still highly classified, the short version is that Crazy Eyes was called in after a top secret space shuttle prototype was high-jacked in mid-air.

Crazy Eyes is sent to investigate with the shuttle’s designer but eventually meets and falls for a girl code named “Friday Let Me Down” and learns that she too is a spy sent in to investigate the shuttle’s designer. They follow him to Venice and Brazil, eventually the are chased by a large metal toothed maniac named “Man Eater”. The eventually escape to a large undetected space station owned by the shuttle’s designer and learn of his genocidal plan to use nerve gas to rule the world.

After thwarting the evil genius Crazy Eyes returns to civilian life for a while.

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After Operation: Every time You Go Away, Oates worked more closely with Hall and insisted they write better music, more “Oatesy” music. The ruslt were the landmark albums “Private Eyes” “H2O” “Big Bam Boom” and  “Ooh Yeah!”. The world was taking notice of Oates, blue eyed soul and they couldn’t get enough.

Crazy Eyes wasn’t called upon again for a major mission until 1989. Sure in the in between years he had been tapped to and successfully assassinate no less than 47 political figures, but 1989 saw the launch of Operation: Sometimes a Mind Changes.

Crazy Eyes was called upon by Gino and the Agency to go into a secret island prison and retrieve a lost “doomsday” device. While briefing Crazy Eyes, Gino notes that he seems distracted and would rather be making music, so he has someone covertly inject him with a deadly disease. Gino informs Crazy Eyes that he only has 2 days to live and must complete the mission if he wants the antidote.

He makes it to the island by making use of a special rocket sub, and begins his mission. After a few twists and turns he learns that the device is being held by a man who calls himself “Heavy Rain” who is also dating the president’s runaway daughter.

After retrieving the device and rescuing the president’s daughter he sets the device to black out the agency’s monitoring system and once again disappears.

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Oates remained in the private sector until 2007 when after five more Hall and Oates albums and a couple of solo releases he was once again asked to come back to work.

By this point Gino (The Manger) was long dead and his new contact was Phunk Shui. Phunk informed Crazy Eyes, that the government needed him one last time. This time he wouldn’t be working for the CIA or officially associated with any government agency. He would be a lone operative and if he were caught or killed all knowledge of him or his actions would be disavowed and a cover story would be leaked to the press that John Oates was found dead in a pile of cocaine with a transvestite hooker.

When a missing page from the diary of John Wilkes Booth surfaces, Oates great-great grandfather is suddenly implicated as a key conspirator in Abraham Lincolns death. Determined to prove his ancestors innocence, Crazy Eyes follows an international chain of clues that takes him on a chase from Paris to London and ultimately back to America. This journey leads Crazy Eyes and his crew not only to surprising revelations but to the trail of the worlds most treasured secrets.

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Needless to say Crazy Eyes was successful in his mission and he returned to his quiet life in Philadelphia.

Now you know the real story of John Oates. And you thought he was the stupid one.

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