Don’t slice your face off.

Hello chillinds. It has just occurred to me that I haven’t written a self improvement piece in a while. It also occurred to me that alot of you are still total fuck up s and are in desperate need of my help.

The goal of self improvement SHOULD be to make yourself a better, more interesting, more efficient person, the truth is self improvement increases your chances of getting laid so if nothing else do it for the snatch.

Today I am going to discuss shaving and facial hair in general.

Shaving should be viewed as a sacred ritual that you get to perform because you are a man, not as a chore that you have to do everyday just because you don’t want to look like a rapist. Now I have already discussed at length why beards aren’t the best thing, but to recap, facial hair doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like a 70’s pornstar, a homeless guy, a guy who drives a van promising “free candy” or a complete douche that listens to Indie music.

Lemmy and the Dudes from ZZ Top can rock the bad ass facial hair, but you aren’t either one of them, so you don’t get to.

First, lets talk razors. I have tried many different kinds of razors, dare I say I have tried almost all of them. Lets cover safety razors first, safety razors are the ones with the blade(s) set in a plastic guard you just click into place. 1 blade, 2 blades, 3,4 and five blades, ones that vibrate, ones with trimmers and disposables. To my knowledge, and this is not a paid advertisement, the best razor I have found is the Gillette Mach 3 line.

This isn’t a paid advertisement or anything, I just experience less irritation than with any other safety razor and it gives a good close shave. There are a couple of choices in the Mach 3 line, there is the base, the Mach 3 Turbo, the Mach 3 Turbo Champion and the M3Power.I don’t personally care for the power safety razor, they suck a lot and don’t really do anything so I will leave the M3 out.

The only differences between the Mach 3 series handles are the colors, the base Mach 3 is silver and black, the Turbo is silver and gray and the Champion is red and black. The real difference is in the blades. The blades are interchangeable between each model, but the base Mach 3 blades seem to be a little rougher on the skin while the Mach 3 Turbo blades have never once nicked me or cause shaving bumps. Hell, I even use them on my balls, but more on that later.

turbchamp
Now, safety razors are alright, but lets face it, 80% of dudes out there shave with a safety razor and it isn’t really the most interesting grooming tool in the world. In fact I would recommend that if you have a chick come over to put your safety razor away and out of sight.

Next up on the block are electric razors. Every time I think of electric razors I think of the 80’s, Wall Street, Huey Lewis and the News and people that Patrick Bateman would kill. Still, they can be useful. The thing is, there are about 250,000 kinds of electric razors out there and you really have to find one that works best for you.

I would never ever ever recommend using an electric razor as your daily shaver if you want a smooth, clean shave unless you want a 5 o’clock shadow by lunch but I would suggest keeping one in your car or in your brief case. It is easy to run one over your face in a pinch and it will give you that little extra bit of smoothness right away. NEVER USE ONE ON YOUR BALLS EVER!!!

Because I see the electric razor as more of a utility than part of my daily routine, I opted for something cheap that held a charge and wasn’t too bulky to carry around. After trying a couple different models I actually landed on the Microforce Shaver. I got it at T.J. Maxx for $9.00 and for what I use it for it’s perfect.

microforce-shaver-

I would also add that the only way you are going to impress a woman by using an electric shaver everyday (since you won’t be doing it by how smooth your face is) is to go out and get the most expensive, bulkiest one you can find and leave it setting out in its stand and keep it clean. If nothing else she’ll be impressed that you have enough money to spend $200 on an electric shaver.

Two things I will mention quickly to stay completely away from are the “Smooth Away” system and hair removal creams. Smooth Away is that thing they have on t.v. where you just rub hair away. They market it to women to take of leg hair, but they also show it being used on a face, so I figured, I like to be smooth, I’ll try it. Well, lets just say you’d be better off with 220 grit sand paper. Veet and Nads also suck on your face. Those creams may be great for chicks to get rid of their bush but that shit will burn your face off. Fuck that.

Also, I feel it goes without saying that if a chick sees any of those products in your bathroom she will think that you’re either, A: A fag or B: Living with a woman and probably won’t let you fuck her and then really…what’s the point?

This brings us finally to the straight razor. You can not go wrong with a straight razor. You will get the closest, most amazing shave of your life using one of these bad boys and if you can master the skill it will actually make you a bad ass in SO many ways. Admittedly there is a huge risk factor in that you actually could kill yourself with one of these things, but man is it cool.

cc504p

As far as the “PDF” or Panty Dropping Factor, you can’t get better than the straight razor. First off a good quality razor will run you, on average $200-$450 and it shows just looking at it. If you leave this bad boy sitting on your sink, clean, with your shaving soap and brush and have your stropping belt nearby a woman will start getting moist in the crotch and she won’t even know why and as soon as she runs her hands over your face you’ll be rubbing your dick over her vageeg. Psst, safety tip, don’t use a straight razor on your balls unless you’re trying to remove them, keep the Mach 3 for pube trimming.

Now that we have razors out of the way, lets go over the other essentials.

Shaving soap VS. shaving cream. Is shaving cream convenient? Sure. Is it the best thing for your face? No. I don’t mean that its full of harmful chemicals, but it wasn’t really developed for the smoothest shave. It was developed because with safety razors you don’t need a lot of lather and it is really easy to use.

If you are going to use this stuff, at least do your self the favor of purchasing a can warmer. You can put your can of shaving cream in it and it will warm it up just a bit which will help reduce irritation a bit. I would still say stay away from it all together.

Some men like shaving lotion, which is kind of a cross between shaving soap and shaving cream. It is almost all lather, but it feels really slimy and there is absolutely zero PDF.

Hands down the way to go is shaving soap. They make a couple different kinds and you can get them with all different scents and oils, but for the closest shave make sure your soap includes glycerin. WHAT EVER YOU DO DON’T USE BAR SOAP. The soap you shower with will do nothing but leave your face all dry and cause razor burn.

If you go with the soap then you will need a lather bowl. Essentially a lather bowl is just a small bowl you keep your shaving soap cake in and once you add a little water and your shaving brush you get a great amount of lather to shave with. There are literally 1000’s of varieties out there, but I would suggest a ceramic bowl as it will really hold up and it will look nice sitting in your bathroom. Chrome would be my second choice. A wooden bowl looks really cool, but over time will get cracked and splinter and a plastic bowl makes you look like the type of guy that still drops his pants to his ankles to take a piss.

The first time you use shaving soap your face will be so much smother than it has ever been you will spend all day just touching it. Believe me, women will want to touch it too and when they do you can tell them your balls are just as smooth.

If you’re taking my advice then you will need a shaving brush to lather your soap. In most cases when you buy a lather bowl it will come with a brush that matches it and that’s cool, but just in case you buy a nice bowl and it comes with a plastic brush you’ll want to buy a different brush, here’s some thoughts.

A wooden or ceramic handle always ALWAYS looks classy, remember you are going to be keeping this stuff out in your bathroom to impress female visitors, you want it too look good. There are a few different choices for what the bristles can be made of.

A natural fiber will always feel better on your face than a synthetic, so try and get a brush made from some type of animal hair. If any of those PETA bitches complain after they touch your face the only thing coming out of their mouth will be your cock, so don’t worry about it.

The bottom of the line is a bristle brush. This will work in a pinch I guess, but usually they aren’t made to well, the bristles fall out and they can even cause irritation. Next up is a horse hair brush, I haven’t seen one of these in a while, mostly because they are pains in the ass. Horse hair isn’t stiff enough to stand upright, especially after the soap is applied. Probably the most common is boar hair. Too me boar hair is a little too stiff, but to each their own. At the top of the line and my personal favorite is badger. Badger’s the way to go.

Now, some men will tell you that a pre-shave oil is essential. While I will never tell you NOT to purchase it because it will help give you a nice shave I would say it is a requirement. Basically it will act as a moisturizer and soften your facial hair to make it easier to trim, however,I have found if you go with a good soap you’ll get the same results.

Another good product to keep around is a Styptic pen. This is just a pencil shaped tool that looks like it is made from chalk. The reason for this little guy is that if you cut your face, you rub the Styptic pen over it and after a tiny sting   (less than a bee sting so man the fuck up) the bleeding stops. Since your dried blood will collect on this thing I wouldn’t recommend leaving it sit out. It looks gross.

If you do decide to take the plunge and get a straight razor you will need a strop. A strop is just a leather belt that you run the razor over a couple of times to bring the edge up before you shave. Display this in your bathroom proudly. Not only does it make you look refined it has high PDF and will get her thinking about you smacking her ass with it. Don’t though, just use a regular belt for ass beating.

The final thing to cover is after shave. Don’t use Brute. You are going to want to get on a site like classicshaving.com or amazingshaving.com and get yourself a good aftershave. You want something with as little alcohol in it as possible. I would personally recommend a balm as it will coat your face, moisturize and protect it.

Its up to you how you display your shaving accessories, they make all kinds of stands and cases but whatever you do, make sure it’s clean.

My final thought is, shave your balls, shave your balls, shave your balls. You don’t have to shave your entire crotchal area, I do, but shave your god damned balls. Smooth balls will stink less, sweat less, itch less and encourage hot bitches to blow you more. It will also make your cock look bigger and if you’re reading this you need the help. Plus, there is no better sound than your freshly shorn scrotum smacking off a chicks sloppy wet pussy.

A couple of quick tips, use a separate razor and if at all possible separate handle for your nut shaver. Shave slowly, the last thing you want is razor burn or an ingrown hair around your cock. Use a safety razor, anything else is just asking for trouble.

I would also suggest using a different shaving brush…unless you like the thought of your own cock sweater on your face. Aftershave balm will feel alright on your balls too but DON’T use anything with alcohol or your cry and scream.

Well, that’s it for now.

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