Pro Wrestling Retirement Plan.

In these tough economic times everyone is struggling to make ends meet. The American dream has for decades been to go to school, get a job, save money, buy a car, buy a house, have some kids, buy a bigger car, buy a bigger house, provide a better life for your family than what you had and then finally retire.

Well with things being as deep in the shitter as they are fewer and fewer Americans are actually retiring. In most cases they are just leaving one job for another and working until they die.  Well the story is NO different in the world of pro wrestling.

Sure when they are on t.v. and in the ring they are at the top of their game and you assume they have millions of dollars in the bank and live the life of luxury. The truth is however that spandex tights, finely trimmed mullets, knee high boots and steroids cost a lot of money.

The upside is that the average life expectancy of a pro wrestler is less that 60 years, so, I mean there’s a good chance they won’t have to worry too much about working forever.

mmrs

I am sure you remember a few years back when we reported on The Macho Man Randy Savage’s new career as a gangsta rapper. His debut album “Be A Man” featured hard edged music calling out punks like Hulk Hogan, a list of songs where he threatened “Atomic Leg Drop” people and of course a heartfelt tribute to his fallen partner in thuggin’ Curt Henning.

One of my favorite tracks on the album featured the lyrics

I’m the wrestlin’ king but now I’m spittin’ lyrics
Took a break from the ring cuz I want y’all to hear this
Comin’ on a medium nobody expected
Been in the game for years and I’m still respected
Macho Man Randy Savage the true chief warrior
Critics I’m ignoring’ ya to ladies it’s euphoria
People on the streets say “Randy you the illest”
And I’m one of the realest so it’s not hard to feel this

Keep in mind that all of this was AFTER his wrestling career, AFTER his stint as the voice of Slim Jim and AFTER his tenure as Boooooooooooooooone Saw on spider man. Its just so sad to see these men being forced to rejoin the work force.

Shifting from Macho to his former friend/enemy/friend/partner/enemy/friend/enemy Hulk Hogan, the story is just as bleak.

Now, Hogan was a visionary and he knew that one day the time would come when even he, The mighty Hulk, The heart of Hulkamania would have to stop “Runnin’ Wild On You Brother” and have alternative incomes.

One of his earliest jobs outside of pre wrestling was as an actor. Who can forget roles like Thunderlips in “Rocky III”, Rip in “No Holds Barred”, Shep Ramsey in “Suburban Commando”, Sean Armstrong in “Mr. Nanny”, Blake/Santa Clause in “Santa With Muscles“, Dave Dragon in “3 Ninjas:Kick Back” and hundreds of cameo or walk on roles as himself in various movies.

When the big screen finally submitted to the 20 inch pythons, he moved on to the small screen in shows such as Thunder in Paradise,  The A-Team, Walker Texas Ranger, The Ultimate Weapon, Shadow Warriors, Kids Against Crime, Hogan Knows Best and most recently Brooke Knows Best. Oh I almost forgot, his tenure as the host of American Gladiators.

Not to be out done by Mr. Poffo, Hogan also had a music career, only unlike the Macho One, Hulk decided to rock the fuck out. Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band put out the ground breaking album, Hulk Rules and for a time Hulk did rule.

hogan_guitar

 Now, Hogan is divorced with two spotlight seeking kids (though I wouldn’t mind getting balls deep in Brooke’s sticky sweet honey pot), involved in various legal battles and still trying to pay all his bills. What can he ever do to survive?

Why not get into the food service industry? Sure as cool as it would be to see Hogan flipping burgers, that’s not exactly what he’s up to. Some of you may or may not remember his failed restaurant, Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania, or The Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer which also crapped out. Hogan didn’t stop though, he has recently released the Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill, Hogan Energy drinks and Hulkster Burgers. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Now I know about Jake “The Snake” Roberts’ career as a homeless, snake molesting junkie, or Jessie “The Body” Ventura’s failed career as a politician and I even know about The Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart showing up on The People’s Court and hanging out in Medical Hair Transplant commercials. I thought I was well aware of what all the former pros were up to, but one bad boy slipped through the cracks.

This morning, King Dut informed me that the Deliverer of the Diamond Cutter, Diamond Dallas Page, A.K.A. DDP is now kicking off his post pro wrestling career with…YRG Workout Infomercials. Sure he sued Jay-Z for trying to steal his diamond hand gesture, but he realized the real money was in late night infomercials for workout products. I mean all he had to do was ask Chuck Norris or that chick with the big tits in the spandex and squinty eyes.

ddp

YRG or “Yoga for Regular Guys” is a pumped up version of what DDP calls “power yoga”. A source close to DDP but closer to King Dut and not at all close to DDP who we will call “Dolan” in an unsolicited 3AM phone call described the YRG method as “Giving your self a Self High Five” also Dolan revealed that at the end of the infomercial DDP says, “How much weight can you lose on this system…How much you WANNA lose?”

We all remember when DDP rented out his tights to jobbers to make extra money, or when he was washing cars in the parking lot because of his financial difficulties, hopefully this, combined with the royalties from “Ready To Rumble”  will keep him out of the poor house.

and remember to stay on your feet Page because as we all know, “A diamond upside down is a pussy”.

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