In this episode of lost in the attic I take a look at ten toys from the last three decades that most people probably don’t remember and I wish I didn’t.
Who can forget the A-Team? Face, Mr. T. the Van? It was one of the coolest shows on tv. Unfortunately being a great show doesn’t guarantee a great action figure series. At least the van was cool. The figures themselves were like poorly made G.I. Joe’s and only really looked like the characters if you squinted real hard.
I have no idea why toys that aren’t really that poseable based on the “American Frontier” would be fun. They really look terrible and to be honest I almost left them off the list because they are better off forgotten.
I can just imagine the brainstorming session for this. “Hey, we need some new toys to sell to kids, what have you got for ideas? What about something with motorcycles? Yeah, motorcycles are cool! How about pigs riding Harleys? We’ll call ’em HAWGZ! Hey wouldn’t bikers find it offensive to portray them as pigs? Good point. Dinosaurs! GENIUS!”
This is honestly one of the worst action figure ideas I have ever seen. There is some stuff that you know is made just because it was cheap to produce and can be sold in a buyout store to make a profit.
So in the early 90’s there were two trends which were stolen from the 70’s and vomited back onto children. The first of which was the “Slap Bracelet”, you know the piece of metal wrapped in a neon animal print that you would slap on your arm and it would wrap around it…or slit your wrists and kill you, and the second was Trolls.
Well trolls were mostly targeted at girls, bingo playing seniors and homos, so to try and expand the market they offered “Battle Trolls” and to a lesser extent “Stone Protectors”. Guess what, playing with these didn’t make you any less gay because it was still a god damned troll.
Scientology Earth, I mean Battlefield Earth toys. “Hey kids, L Ron Hubbard says if you play with these toys to support his shitty movie based on his shitty book you’ll protect yourself from the evil alien souls trapped in a volcano. And if you actually believe any of that shit then maybe you really will enjoy these toys but chances are, you won’t.
What would happen if He Man, Thundarr and Conan all had a gay sex orgy that led to a super semen glob which spawned a child? The answer would be Blackstar. I barely remember the show but it was basically about some douche bag astronaut that got sucked through a black hole into a Tarzan-esque world and had to survive. If I remember right, at least to a little kid, the show wasn’t really that bad, but these toys…wow. I mean they’re just stupid. Why would you play with these?
They only made these toys in the 70’s. I guess the thought process was if little kids play with scouts toys then they’ll want to join the scouts and…who knows. The toys are really more like dolls so you get the toy and have all these big hopes for adventure and amazing fun and it turns out to be really disappointing. Just like being in the scouts.
Bucky O Hare