Lost In The Attic: The Toys That Time Forgot Part 6

In this episode of lost in the attic I take a look at ten toys from the last three decades that most people probably don’t remember and I wish I didn’t.

A-Team

ATeam

Who can forget the A-Team? Face, Mr. T. the Van? It was one of the coolest shows on tv. Unfortunately being a great show doesn’t guarantee a great action figure series. At least the van was cool. The figures themselves were like poorly made G.I. Joe’s and only really looked like the characters if you squinted real hard.
American Frontier

Geronimo-Front
I have no idea why toys that aren’t really that poseable based on the “American Frontier” would be fun. They really look terrible and to be honest I almost left them off the list because they are better off forgotten.

B.C. Bikers

Crank-ChromeAge I can just imagine the brainstorming session for this. “Hey, we need some new toys to sell to kids, what have you got for ideas? What about something with motorcycles? Yeah, motorcycles are cool! How about pigs riding Harleys? We’ll call ’em HAWGZ! Hey wouldn’t bikers find it offensive to portray them as pigs? Good point. Dinosaurs! GENIUS!”

This is honestly one of the worst action figure ideas I have ever seen. There is some stuff that you know is made just because it was cheap to produce and can be sold in a buyout store to make a profit.
Battle Trolls

TrollBot1So in the early 90’s there were two trends which were stolen from the 70’s and vomited back onto children. The first of which was the “Slap Bracelet”, you know the piece of metal wrapped in a neon animal print that you would slap on your arm and it would wrap around it…or slit your wrists and kill you, and the second was Trolls.

Well trolls were mostly targeted at girls, bingo playing seniors and homos, so to try and expand the market they offered “Battle Trolls” and to a lesser extent “Stone Protectors”. Guess what, playing with these didn’t make you any less gay because it was still a god damned troll.

Battlefield Earth

Terl1-Deluxe

Scientology Earth, I mean Battlefield Earth toys. “Hey kids, L Ron Hubbard says if you play with these toys to support his shitty movie based on his shitty book you’ll protect yourself from the evil alien souls trapped in a volcano. And if you actually believe any of that shit then maybe you really will enjoy these toys but chances are, you won’t.
Black Star

Black Star

What would happen if He Man, Thundarr and Conan all had a gay sex orgy that led to a super semen glob which spawned a child? The answer would be Blackstar. I barely remember the show but it was basically about some douche bag astronaut that got sucked through a black hole into a Tarzan-esque world and had to survive. If I remember right, at least to a little kid, the show wasn’t really that bad, but these toys…wow. I mean they’re just stupid. Why would you play with these?
Boy Scouts

BobScout-Front

They only made these toys in the 70’s. I guess the thought process was if little kids play with scouts toys then they’ll want to join the scouts and…who knows. The toys are really more like dolls so you get the toy and have all these big hopes for adventure and amazing fun and it turns out to be really disappointing. Just like being in the scouts.

Bucky O Hare

BuckeyOHare1

I love this toy line and honestly I can’t tell you why. The show wasn’t that great and honestly the figures themselves left something to be desired. The arms and legs didn’t bend, there were only five points of articulation and you had a bitch of a time getting the weapons to fit in the hands.
The upside was that they were well constructed and durable as shit. This was one of those toy lines that I don’t think did real well in regular retail stores so you could walk into a buyout store and get the entire line, vehicles and all for like $20 which is exactly what I did as a kid.
I remember Bucky got run over by a truck and didn’t break and I shot Al Negator with a pellet gun and the pellet just bounced off. Great great toys.
Cadillacs and Dinosaurs
JackCadillac-Front
How I missed out on this toy I have no idea and I will never forgive myself for letting it happen. These look like they were actually really cool toys, well sculpted, good weapons, in fact just from looking at it my only complaint would be that it seems the arms don’t bend.
Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys
CaptainSimian1I never played with these toys as a kid because I wasn’t retarded and my mother loved me enough to buy me decent action figures. Honestly I don’t even remember the T.V. show this was based on. I guess the concept is a monkey and his space crew have to save the universe.
I remember when they did this in the 80’s with much cooler toys and it was called Bucky O’Hare.

Congo

Blastface1
Great book, bad movie, worse toys. Mikey Crichton is a fantastic writer but unfortunately the bulk of the movies based directly (Sphere, Congo, Jurassic Park, Andromeda Strain, Rising Sun) or indirectly (The Thirteenth Warrior) on his books, with the exception of Westworld have sucked and it looks like toys based on those movies do no better.
Well that’s it for today kiddos, but don’t despair, I have a shit load more of these in the work to take you on walks down memory lane.

One response to “Lost In The Attic: The Toys That Time Forgot Part 6

  1. I like how the biker toy is made by a company called “CRANK” cause all 1% bike clubs love crank and prehistoric animals on bikes.
    Cadillacs and Dinosaurs is an arcade game that should have never had its own line of toys.

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