Well after a week or so of investigating Tommy Shaw has been absolved of any wrong doing in the Cimba case. While Shaw did check into the bath house with Cimba and spend the afternoon with him, records show that Shaw went running from the establishment in the early evening screaming, “I didn’t realize this was a homo-Disney world. How dare you try and touch me with that thing.”
Credit card records prove that Shaw went immediately to the airport and purchased a ticket for a return flight to L.A.
So who was the mystery person across the street? Well Port Huron police agree that it was more than likely the bath house jizz-mopper. The jizz-mopper is a position usually filled by illegal immigrants so obviously the person would want to avoid any involvement with a murder investigation.
The Port Huron coroner ruled the cause of death, “A massive explosion of SuperAIDS combined with Syphiherpchlamygonn, a hybrid STD of Syphilis, Genital herpes, Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. Syphiherpchlamygonn, sometimes called Wurzelbacher’s disease (named for the first documented case in Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher a.k.a. Joe the Plumber) is an extremely rare disease, in fact the coroner concludes that Cimba and Joe the plumber must have had a sexual encounter at some point.
When asked if there were any other factors involved the coroner replied, “Cimba? That dick dumpster was really into Jefferson Starship and as far as I’m concerned anyone who listens that shit deserves to die.”
The show must go on for the world’s hottest band, SNYDER, despite the
untimely and suspicious death of drummer Cimba. “We got titties to see
and fans to please. No time for love, Dr Jones,” said the band’s
bassist Jim Groz. “Cimba was a great drummer but unfortunately penises
were more important and now look at him, all dead and shit,” replied
singer Dustin King, who knew Cimba from infancy and was quoted in the
Chicago Tribune as calling his friend “assbait for anyone with a
roofie and a hard-on.” King denies the quote but there is no denying
that the band is trying to move on but are already planning to
capitalize on Cimba’s death as much as possible, rumors claim.
One way they are getting over the anguish is by spending the money
they have already earned through the sales of Rockband: SNYDER. The
band has recently dropped Rick Mitchell and the Metal Massacre from
the tour line-up due to Mitchell’s interim status as Cimba’s
replacement. In their stead is the Johnstown gay scene’s top act
“WikipeDIO”, a homosexual DIO tribute band featuring long-time
Johnstown favorites Billy “Grizzly” Bearer and Ronnie James Leo.
WikipeDIO’s cut from ticket sales is incredible, as SNYDER promises to
cater to the homosexual audience that SNYDER may lose now that Cimba
is no longer a part of the band.
No word yet as to what dates WikipeDIO will be joining the tour, or if
they’ll play the entire campaign. But one thing is certain according
to singer Ronnie James Leo: “Weiners. Millions of them dangling in my
SNYDER has also released word that all remaining members will
contribute to the upcoming Cimba tribute biography “Money, Drugs,
Little Boys, and Rock-n-Roll.”