This past weekend I got together with my buddy Dut and some other fantastic folks for a wonderful evening on Friday night and the world did shine. I had to make an appearance at work the next morning, so I was a responsible adult and drank very little.
Saturday night was a bit of a different story. First I would like to say that I very rarely get to drink with my buddy Dut because he is a giant pussy and moved to Texas abandoning all of his friends. Needless to say I was excited about crunkin’ with the Dut and as a huge bonus Sir Dolan was coming out to drink as well.
Dut and Dol showed up around 11:30 and we ventured down into my dungeon to get hammered and play Tecmo Super Bowl, little did we know what fate awaited us. By the end of the night we would all have our asses kicked by Andre Champagne.
Contrary to popular belief Andre Champagne was not the name of a cracked out west coast rapper who I called out in one of my jams hanging out in my crib waiting to cap…though that would make the story A LOT more interesting. In fact, Andre Champagne, or rather, Andre Sham-Pain would be the greatest rap/hip hop/r&b name ever.
No my little kiddies, Andre champagne is the name of a bubbly vino from California. Now normally I don’t drink champagne, I don’t like champagne and so I have no reason to buy champagne. I owned this bottle because when I moved into my new house and set up my bar my parents provided me with a medium size fridge to keep my beverages cool and living in the bottom of the fridge was this almost 8 year old bottle of champagne left over from their wedding reception.
Under normal circumstances I would have completely avoided drinking this stuff at all costs, but being a generous host and realizing that I had JUST enough other booze to get us good and hammered I decided to offer my friends the other booze and I would jump on the grenade and drink this stuff. My thinking was, “Its only champagne, how bad can it be?” Bad. The answer to that question is real bad is how bad it can be.
We drank and talked and played video games for hours. I drank a couple of beers, a couple of shots and short of a bit for Dolan and Dut to try for themselves the entire bottle of Andre. The night drew to a close, my friends left and I retired to my sleeping chambers.
87 minutes later I was wide awake in my bed feeling like I just got jumped into the Latin Kings. My head was pounding, all my joints hurt, my ass hole felt like it would blow completely out of my ass and my stomach was gurgglin, somethin’ awful. I ran to the shitter, stripped of what little clothing I had along the way and sealed my ass o the toilet.
The plan, if you can call it one at all was to push everything out of my rectum (damn near killed em) and continue my six year no puke streak. What actually happened was an udder disaster. The liquid shits slurped out of my bung at a rate that has never before been seen. It felt like a thin layer of napalm had ben gently applied all around my anus and Satan’s semen was rocketing out of my ass at 1000’s of miles an hour. The shit spewed out so fast that the void left behind created a vacuum and I swear I felt my eyeballs being sucked into my head.
I had stopped shitting but the twitching in my nethers told me a tale that more was to come. I sat on the comode and wapped my forehead with a damp cloth contemplating if I should try and turn around and give a safety flush or just sit there and wait for round two. I should have flushed.
I could feel things moving around down there, making ready the main gun and I assumed the firing position when all of the sudden the contents of my innards made an about face and came boiling up toward my face hole. I spun around and put my face over the crapper (still filled with my liquid shit) and proceeded to hurl out all of the acid in my stomach along with a few random chunks of hamburger. I sat there trying to collect myself with my head propped up on the toilet seat with the acrid smell of shit and vomit creeping into my nose. My body felt like a Nickelback concert, it smelled bad, I didn’t want to be there, no one was happy with what was going on and I was looking at a bunch of shit that made me even more sick.
I failed to calm myself and puked two more times before I was finally ready to brush my teeth and stumble back to bed. The next day I felt like my head had been run over by a truck and some jack ass shot me in the guts. It was the worst hangover I have ever had and I couldn’t shake until about 7:30 that night.