Transformers 2: Or how Michael Bay gave me a kidney stone

transformers-2-poster

After trying to avoid this train wreck of a movie for quite some time now, i decided that since the DVD will be release soon, i might as well get it over with and watch this 2 and a half hour abortion.

First of all, as much as i can’t stand Michael Bay, I did not totally hate the first movie, thought i do believe i could have lived without had it never have been made.

I can understand why some of the story lines from the original Transformers series were changed, like how they were originally built by an alien race called the quitisons to be used as slaves. The transformers decided they weren’t going to take their crap anymore and turned against them and took over cybertron. Then the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons waged. Alright fine. That’s a little complicated to explain, espcially in a Michael Bay film where there really isn’t any story line to follow anyway.

So i let that go. Changing Bumblebee into a cumaro was stupid in my opinion, and the reason for it even more dumb. Bay claims he didn’t want people confusing him (Bumblebee) with Herbie the love bug. Please tell me what f*cking kid eve knows who herbie the love bug is? I think Bay just wanted more flashy cars in the film.

The Decepticons had little speaking roles in the first film.

Frank Welker, who played Megatron in the original series (along with a half dozen others) was shot down to reprise his role for the films. They told him, “that’s not what we’re looking for”. They let Frank do some various other robot voices for the movies.

I can go on actually if I wanted too, but this about the second movie, not the first.

Anyway, there is absolutely NO character development in this movie what so ever. They are pretty much the same as they were in the first film. Sam’s (Shia) mother was crazy for some reason, getting high from brownies she bought from some kid at college and not knowing they were baked with weed, ect. ect.

The Decepticons had much more dialogue in this film. So that’s a plus.

Special effects and action of course were that of a typical Michael Bay film. LOTS OF IT.

Prime was killed about half way through the movie, which really pissed me off. The only real story that was happening, were the Decep’s were trying to find this alternate source of Energon that was somewhere on earth, which of course ended up in the far east. This character from the comics called, “The Fallen” wanted to use this device that was buried on the earth centuries ago (the alien Transformers race were there for eons apparently) to destroy the earth’s sun and capture it’s energon.

“The Fallen” never Transformed into anything. I was waiting for him to change into a homosexuel and head down to the gay bar.

So, the movie continues, with no plot, some annoying college kid Sam met that screamed and shit himself the entire time (he added NOTHING to the movie) the the EX special agent guy came back as well.

They brought Prime back and kicked ass as usual and saved the world. Big deal.

Least they brought him back though, i was seriously pissed and about to shut the damn movie off when they killed him. He’s the only decent character in these train wrecks.

“Arcee” was in the film, as you all remember, was the female autobot from the original series. She didn’t speak much (if at all actually) but she was there mostly in the background.

They had these two Autobot twins that acted like they were Chris Tucker, only, they were NOT funny at all. They were extremly annoying, but leave it to Michael Bay to think something like that is still funny. Maybe they should have used Chris to do the voice over’s for the twins…

Devastator left me devastaed. They used the contructicons to merge together, but he looked like some stupid lized that was sucking everything inside of him. Real f*cking stupid.

“Wheelie” which is nothing like his original counter part was also very annoying. He was a decepticon that changed sides to the autobots and they decided they wanted him to act like Joe Pesci.

“Soundwave” was in the movie as well. But he was a satellite. Ravage (his counter part from the original series) wasn’t done too bad. He pretty much looked the same.

I could see it now, Bay sitting in this office with a bunch other dinosaur movie executives, “we need to come up with some hip Transformers, for the African Americans!” “Alright how about robots that act black and crazy? Blackformers!” “That is an AWESOME idea Mike! What else ya got??”

Idiots.

So in a nut shell we have, no actual story line.

Poorly rehashed Transformers with very offensive personalities.

No character development in the human characters.

Tons of special effects and fighting with giant robots.

There, now you don’t have to see it yourself.

The next morning i woke up, i was hospitalized because i was so sick, turns out i had a kidney stone. Just a coincidence that it the morning after i watched this piece of trash? I think not.

I honestly don’t even know how i feel about this movie.

Bay continues to ruin everything.I understand things need to be changed for movies, and make the ma little more modern, but there’s really no excuse for some of these robots he created that are very very annoying.

If you’re looking for tons of special effects and pointless destruction and action, then by all means go out give yourself a kidney stone.

If not, i suggest you stay away. I laughed maybe twice during the entire movie. One of the only good things that came out of it was, even though it was 2 and half hours, it went by quickly.

Anyway, that’s my review for TROTF.

Thanks the stones Bay.

D!ck.

– StraTT

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