Childhood Halloween Specials: Part 1

Halloween is a special time of year. Its that time when I like to lock my door so the outside world forgets I exist, sit down in my over-stuffed, over-sized recliner with a seemingly endless supply of beer, liquor, Double Stuf Oreos and some Halloween candy to watch movies for hours, nay days on end. How is this different than any other time of year you may ask? Well mostly the Halloween candy, but also the fact that I am usually wearing a costumes during this particular time of year and I generally only watch two types of movies. Horror movies are of course always on the agenda, but the other type, the type were are here to talk about today are Halloween specials I remember from my youth. I would like to state these are in no particular order.

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

If you’ve never seen thins classic, go the hell home. Seriously, who the hell hasn’t seen this tale of disappointment? I love this movie for so many reasons. Not just because the earliest memories I have with my grandfather are of watching this when I was only about three, but because it works on a few different levels. First there is is the little kid level. Hey, it’s Peanuts, it’s animated, its humorous. Then there is the fact that it combines Halloween and Santa Clause, and after that, when you go back and watch it when you are older, jaded and a cynical son of a bitch like myself you notice other things.

First off Charlie Brown NEVER gets any candy, all he gets is rocks in his bag, basically stating that life is just a serious of disappointments. You want candy but you get rocks. Second, Linus hangs out all night giving up trick or treating and a party at Violet’s house and the Great Pumpkin never shows. All he sees is Snoopy dressed up as Flying Ace. He passes out, threatens to get sued and wakes up shivering.

My favorite line from the movie? You may think it was “There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.” but you’d be wrong. My favorite line is “You don’t believe the story of the Great Pumpkin? I thought little girls always believed everything that was told to them. I thought little girls were innocent and trusting.”

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad

Now, I know that Mr. Toad doesn’t have shit to do with Halloween unless maybe you consider the fact that every witch recipe calls for something from a toad 9unless it’s a witch that buys into health food bullshit then she probably replaces it with “Splendtoad: Made from toad, so it tastes like toad”, but Ichabod Crane is a Halloween establishment. Now I know you can purchase the film separately as the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, but it is still fun to watch Mr. Toad try and prove he isn’t a car thief.

The Sleepy Hollow portion is what it’s really all about though. Ichabod shows up (to his own theme song by Bing “beat my children senseless” Crosby mind you) to be the newest teacher in Sleepy Hollow. It isn’t long until he becomes infatuated with the Van Tassel girl and seduces her. This part is particularly bad ass because it shows a lowly geek getting the hot bitch with the money. Any how, her current man Brom Bones (no not Brombones your literary hero) decides to scare off Ichi with the legend of the headless horseman.

Now lets talk about why this film is so bad ass. Ichabod is a PIMP who gets a hot bitch and wants her money. It is also indicated that he has a long history of this. Katrina Van Tassel is a slut who wants to give it up to Ichabod (probably because his huge nose indicates to her that he’s packin a dong so huge it is almost as big as E-Rokk’s man pole) and dresses like a ho. Finally there is Brom who is pretty much the prototype for Gaston in a later Disney flick who can freak out Ich with just a song.

I won’t ruin the end for you, but I always imagined Ichabod becoming the horseman himself then riding back into town on his death-stead, slaughtering everyone but Katrina, filling her vag with his pork sword and living off the Van Tassel money for the rest of his days.

Dr. Seuss – It’s Grinch Night!

So you thought the worst movie ever made about the Grinch starred Jim Carry? You were way WAY wrong. Chances are most of you haven’t even heard of this let alone saw it. The truth is had I not been stoned out of my mind from toking “Whosmoke from the Grinch-O-Lantern” one night in college I probably would have never been lying on my couch unable to move with the Disney chanel on for me to see this myself.

This Grinchturd is apparently a prequel to the classic “How the Grinch stole Christmas and never actually comes out and says it is supposed to be Halloween. All of the Whos realize once a year (which happens in what looks like fall) that a Sour-Sweet Wind is in the air and the Gree-Grumps growl and you apparently can’t pay them enough to go out on Grinch Night. Or so they sing.

No one ever mentions what happens on Grinch night, but as near as I can tell the Grinch comes down from his mountain home with his little doom cart and tries to rape all of the Whos. Or at least that’s what I like to think.

I haven’t actually seen this movie in five years but I vow to see it again this year. Even if i have to carve a carb into my “pumpkin”

The Witches

This movie is not just a Halloween classic, but a CLASSIC in every way possible. This is one of only two movies i still own on VHS (the other is The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course, but that doesn’t really need to be explained does it?).

I have seen this movie more times than I can count, so many in fact that the original VHS cartridge became worn out, the tape was transferred into another cartridge, then years later retaped on to a new tape to hold off the film from degrading further. This year I think I am finally going to force my lazy ass to get it on DVD.

This movie is about an American kid who’s parents die and he is sent to live with his granny in England. Soon the kid discovers that Angelica Huston apparently finds children stinky and wants to eliminate them all by buying up candy shops and selling goodies tainted (ha ha ha taint) with “Formula 86” that turns kids into mice. Now maybe it’s just me, but as I watch this film as an adult I always want to tell Angelica Huston that if she really wanted to wipe those kids out she should have laced the chocolate with Anthrax and kill them outright rather then turn them into mice. Hell if she doesn’t want to kill them why not just lace the goodies with herpes?

Any way, The kid a.k.a. Luke and his crazy old granny (who apparently knows a shit ton about witches) are hanging out in this hotel where the witches are having a convention about snuffing out kids when he discovers their plans. After witnessing his fatty boom batty friend Bruno turned into a mouse he tries to tell his grandmother, but is apprehended and turned into a mouse himself.

Now if it were me, I wouldn’t be that pissed. Think about it, you still have your human brain, you’re just a mouse. You don’t have to worry about money or bills or any of that shit. On top of that it’s the animal kingdom, if there is some fine mouse pussy that you want, you just mount up and fuck that shit. No dating, no consequences, you’re a fucking mouse. Anyhow he gets his granny’s help they defeat the witches, save his friend and go to America.

It is a kick ass flick.


Garfield: In Disguise

This was probably my favorite Halloween flick when I was a kid. Garfield is asleep in his box as usual when he is blasted out of the sack by Binky the Clown. Binky is pretty much a rip off of Bozo hyped up on crystal meth. One thing I didn’t realize as a kid, but I love now is that this is the first appearance and there is no indication that Binky hasn’t been a cast member forever. Anyhow, Binky screams out that it is Halloween and that every kid loves candy.

Garfield decides that he is going to go trick or treating, and that if he takes Odie he can get twice as much candy. One of my favorite scenes takes place in the attic as they are looking for stuff to make costumes out of. Garfield is digging through this box and tossing shit out of the way as he is describing what each item is and why it’s no good. Then the camera pans over to Odie and he is wearing all of the stuff and has one of the greatest expressions on his face I have ever seen.

As they go out in search of candy Garfield realizes they can get a bigger haul if they take a boat across the river since no one goes trick or treating over there. When they get there they only see one house and when they go in all they find is a crazy old man. The old dude explains that he was a cabin boy on a pirate ship and that the house was built on the spot where the pirates buried their treasure. To make matters worse the pirate’s ghosts were going to return that very night.

Garfield and Odie have the shit scared out of them and the old man steals their boat stranding them there. The pirate ghosts come and hilarity ensues.

This thing is the shit and if you don’t see it this year I am going to come to your house and beat the living shit out of you.

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