I love it when Halloween starts approaching. All the stores start putting their Halloween goods out and more and more black and orange start to take over. Tons and tons of candy and goodies start to fill the shelves.
I always like the new fun stuff I find, but I am sucker for the classics as well.
Candy Corn: You know just from looking at it that if you eat more than two handfuls in one sitting you are probably going to die. There are all kinds of variations now, but the true classic is Yellow tip, orange midsection, white base. Candy corn is great because they don’t fuck around with a lot of extra un needed ingredients. Sugar, Corn Syrup, Salt, Honey, Gelatin, Confectioner’s Glaze, Artificial Flavor, Artificial Colors. Take a close look at that list. IT IS ALL SUGAR. The same thing happened to me every year as a child. I would dump out all of my candy loot in to a big pile and it never failed that there would be at least two pounds of candy corn. I would get so excited and just dig in. The smell, the colors, it made it all so great. Then the taste. It was like a little nugget of heaven. I would eat it by the mouthful. I would usually start off making candy corn fangs, then I would just fill my fist with the candy corn goodness and shove it in my mouth. Usually I would eat enough to temporarily blind myself and send my pancreas in to overload. As the sugar dissolved in to my bloodstream I would go into hyperactive mode and go a little bit blind. God I loved candy corn.
Liquid filled Wax Bats: This is a Halloween staple. The thing about the bats is this. The wax is not made to be eaten. I mean it can be, its safe, but its wax, and it kind of tastes the way my ball sweat smells. The liquid inside is a complete mystery. I know it is probably just corn syrup, but it tastes so SO bad that I am pretty sure it is funneled from rotting corpses. Knowing how bad this stuff tastes, every year without fail I buy a bag of these guys and swear I am going to eat one and like it. They are so fun to look at. They are bats filled with goo. They signify Halloween. I HAVE TO LOVE THE FLAVOR OF THIS GOD DAMNED BAT!!! Then I grab one and I bite its little head off. It still tastes just as bad. I feel as though I have left Halloween down. Maybe I still get an A for effort. Last year though I noticed a key important element. There is no expiration date on the wax bat. That means what ever this goo is made out of is so un human, so evil that it will never spoil. IT IS AS BAD AS IT IS EVER GOING TO BE.
Halloween Oreos: For the record, Double Stuf Oreos are the king of all sweets. I could eat an entire bag of Oreos in one sitting, four times a day, every day until I die of the massive stroke I am sure to have. On the other hand I hate all the specialty Oreos. All the peanut butter, mint, coffee, reverse stupid ass Oreos that get put out, with the exception of the Halloween Oreos. Reason being is that they don’t fuck with the flavor. It still tastes like a normal Oreo, but it is orange. Turning the icing orange only makes it better. In fact I can’t think of many things that couldn’t be made better by making them Halloween orange. Growing up I always loved the people that would toss one of those four packs of Halloween Oreos in to my candy collection.
Plastic Spider Rings: These are the heart and soul of Halloween. Forget stories of pagan rituals, forget tales of lost souls and the day of the dead. Black Plastic Spider Rings are the real reason Halloween is celebrated. The entire point is to get as many as you can and wear them all at once. You gotta have more than your friends because it makes you fucking cool with out question. Every year copy cats try to put out plastic snake or cat rings, or rings with little misshapen plastic skulls, but the spiders are were its at. Say what you want, maybe plastic spider rings aren’t worth that much during the post trick or treating candy trade, but they are a hell of a lot better than the black jelly beans the cheap jack ass down the street tossed in your pumpkin bucket. The point is they are cool looking, they are only around during Halloween and you know that deep down you think they kick ass.
Wax Vampire Teeth: Plastic Vampire Teeth can lick my rod. If you want authentic Halloween your bitch ass gets wax Vampire teeth. Sure, they never fit right, but at least they won’t cut your gums and give you some strange toxic poisoning. The wax teeth are usually detailed much better and are fun to wear. Sure they make your mouth fill up with drool and talk with a lisp. But who cares. They are wax vampire teeth. They are right up there with black plastic spider rings. The only down falls of the wax teeth are the fact that they usually get all shitty from being in your mouth and they sort of melt. I will still stand by them to end.
Eyeball Gumballs: I generally don’t like gumballs. I have always been a much bigger fan of Hubba Bubba and Bazooka, but if I have to eat a gumball, why not one that looks like an eyeball. Last year I got these really great Eyeball Gumballs that taste like fortune gum. Man I loved fortune gum, in fact if any one has any, or knows where I can get some please let me know. If I get some damn fortune gum and you are responsible for it, there may be a Hey Stupid prize pack in it for you, any how back to the eyeball gumballs. The good ones have the little blood shot lines drawn on in great detail, and some of the coolest ones have little skulls for the pupils.
Halloween Peeps: I love to go out and get ad many packs of Halloween Peeps as I can get my grubby hands on. The thing about peeps is that you can’t eat them right away. You have to get them, open them and let them sit for about a month so they get good and stale. That is the way to enjoy them. I am not going to go in to a lot of detail about them because you can read about them in http://www.i-mockery.com ‘s Halloween section. Just know that they are delicious.
Mellowcreme Pumpkins: Mellowcreme candies are delicious in any season. I am not sure how they got there name since generally they are never marshmellowy or creamy. If you read the ingredients they are pretty much candy corn in a different shape. Usually the shape of a pumpkin. The best Halloween trick or treating adventure ever was in 1995 when I was 14, a bunch of my friends and I were out and we found like 5 or 6 houses in a row where the people weren’t home and they just left bowls of candy out for trick or treaters, so we took it upon ourselves to do the right thing and takke ALL the candy in those situations. One house had a bowl filled with bags of Mellowcreme pumpkins. I wonder if that is why that is the first time I had a cavity when I went to the dentist. Mwa ha ha ha ha. In fact, I am eating Mellowcreme pumpkins now, and believe me, they are delicious.
Halloween Flashlights: I am now and have always been openly opposed to faggy Halloween safety devices, but one I let slide are Halloween Flashlights. You know what I’m taking about, the flash lights that have a jack o lantern or a skull on the end effectively stopping all the light from keeping the carrier safe. Just like Halloween orange, I am fairly certain putting a Pumpkin or a Skull on anything makes it better. I still wouldn’t carry one though. Mostly because Halloween safety devices are for pussies.
Pumpkin Buckets: If you are a little kid, or some one who isn’t at the top of the Trick or Treating heap, you don’t know enough to use a pillow case as your goodie holder and you use a plastic pumpkin bucket. I will admit, the look cool. They are Jack O Lanterns with a plastic handle, but when it comes right down to it, they don’t have enough room to carry a large amount of candy. I would say buy them to decorate your apartment…not just for Halloween, year round is good, but don’t take them out Trick or Treating with you.
Smarties: If Halloween were the movie Scarface, Smarties would be the Cocaine. Smarties are great because like candy corn they are the basic currency of Halloween. They can be divided up and used one by one to trade for goodies. Incase you are wondering two pieces of candy corn equal one smarty. In the end, you generally want to have an entire mountain of smarties to dive your face into a la Tony Montana and just start snacking
Well, kiddies, those are some of my favorite things for Halloween.
I love Halloween because of all the great memories I have of it and all the fun decorations, costumes, toys and candy that go with it.