Halloween Hell

After the overwhelming success of last year’s Holiday Hell, I have decided to write out some of my experiences during Halloween over the years.

Halloween, and the month or so leading up to it has ALWAYS been my favorite time of year. All of the Halloween stuff starts hitting the store shelves around September 15th and I would always start getting pumped up. All the black and orange, all the costumes, decorations, toys, accessories, pumpkins and of course the tasty, tasty, yummy, delicious, sugary amazing, good god almighty tasty candy. Plus, there were haunted houses to visit, hey rides to take, corn mazes to walk through and haunted pumpkin patches to enjoy. One of the other things I loved the most about Halloween is that when I was a little kid my mom and I would start working on a home made super authentic costume of whatever I wanted to be about the second week of September. As I take a look back over the years though…it’s amazing I’m still alive.

1981- 1984: This period is a little blurry. In fact I have no actual first person memories of it. Everything I know about my Halloween experiences during this period have been relayed to me through pictures or stories of family members. Apparently I was a cute Halloween baby. Leave it to my family though to ALWAYS ask “what the hell happened” after they finish one of their tales about me. Apparently I was Snoopy at one point during this time period.

Halloween 1985: This is the first Halloween I vividly remember. I was so excited because my friend Cory and I were allowed to go trick or treating ‘on our own”. Now of course this meant our mom’s were about 10 steps behind us, but man we felt like we ruled the streets. Then again how can a Smurf (me) and a leprechaun (Cory) not be considered bad ass.

Halloween 1986: Right around this time I was obsessed with the Karate Kid, I’m serious, this was a borderline disorder. I was so obsessed that one day while playing Karate Kid I jumped through a plate glass window, fell onto the porch in a spray of glass with such velocity that I broke through the railing and fell another 8 feet to the ground. I wound up with 80 some stitches in and on my arm and across my forehead and still have a bad as scar on my arm from that. At any rate, I wanted to be the Karate Kid that year. My mom made the gi, painted the wicked sweet tree on the back and made a kick ass headband for me. My gramma apparently never saw a Ralph Macchio flick and decided to contribute to the outfit with a set of plastic weapons. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the weapons, but the Karate Kid’s only weapons where his powerful fists, his feet of fury, his cunning wit, and of course the crane kick.

Well, needless to say my mom insisted I carry the sword, nunchucks, throwing stars and sais on my person at all times since they were a gift. When I got to school, my own personal William Zabka (get the reference or stop reading you dumb shits) started to torment me about the weapons. Being the cool, level headed kid I was, I started to beat on him with every plastic weapon I had. The chucks, stars and sais did me no good, but I whipped the shit out of him like he owed me money with that sword.

As I sat in the principles office waiting for my mom to arrive I was going out of my mind with terror thinking that she was going to come down on me with the white hot fury of a thousand suns, but after her “talk’ with the principle, which I am fairly certain made the principle cry she took me home. On the way home she looked at me, laughed and said, “No wonder the Karate Kid never carried weapons”.

Halloween 1987: Before I explain anything about this Halloween I must ask you to remember a few facts. 1: I was only six. 2:Don Johnson was at the height of his popularity. 3: I had the exact same hair color and style as his. 4: It was easier to buy a whit suit and a fluorescent t-shirt than a bible from ’84 – ’89. Keeping all of that in mind I will say that this was the year I went out trick or treating as Sonny Crockett. I will also say this is the Halloween that there was about two feet of snow on the ground. That probably would have been fine if I had just been smart enough to wear a costume with boots, but alas I was in loafers with no socks. I won’t mention which one of my friends was Tubbs, but I will say that I grew up in a community so far out in the sticks that the only black people we ever saw were on t.v. Imagine a little white kid covered in make up to look like a jerry-curled black man going to an elderly person’s door in that community. It was bad. Really bad.

Halloween 1988: This year I was a California Raisin. The costume was home made from paper mache, chicken wire, foam padding, and lots of paint. I won’t go into great detail about it because you can read about it elsewhere on this site, but I will say this, that suit was a tank. By this point my family had moved to a knew house. It was out in the country with a good half mile between houses. The neighbor kid and I were going to ride our bikes from house to house, but I soon found I couldn’t sit down in my costume. I had a go-kart at the time so our solutions for getting around was for him to drive and me to stand on the back. Let me stress, at normal trick-or treating speed, this was the perfect solution. However… before we left to go trick or treating our moms told us our boundaries. Since there were only two roads for miles around and they intersected a few miles up the road we were told we could go to that intersection and back, but no further.

Of course we went further. We ended up on a section of road with no street lights and no houses. We were just about to turn around and go back when off in the distance we spotted a porch light. We decided to go for it. We got up to the house and banged on the door. We shouted “trick or treat”, but unfortunately for us the ornery old coot that lived inside decided to sick his dog on us. We jumped on the go-kart and took off. Since we were traveling at a much higher rate of speed to escape the dog I fell off.

I couldn’t run very well in my raisiny shell, but i decided to use it to my advantage. I pulled my arms and legs into like a turtle and just sat there. Now truth be told the dog, though it was more like Cujo in my young mind was only a Jack Russell so it couldn’t get through my defenses. Since I was akid, and that dog was very angry, I decided it best to just sit there. About 25 minutes later my mom showed up as search and rescue. Apparently the neighbor kid went back and told our mom’s that I wasn’t with him. Once I was secure in the car our mom’s asked us why we were even out that way since they told us we knew damn well we shouldn’t have been. Our unbreakable story was that aliens abducted us and put us back in the wrong spot.

Halloween 1989: This was the year of the BAT! Christmas of ’88 marked my introduction to comic books. The first comic I ever got was a Punisher comic and I was hooked. Batman was extremely popular throughout ’89 since Burton’s Batman was released in June of that year and I soon started to follow the comics. As par of the hype the old episodes of Batman starring Adam West were in rerun again. I decided I wanted to be Batman for Halloween that year, but not the movie Batman since I was sure every other kid would dress as that. My mom and I crafted the most sweet tits Adam West Batman costume ever. To make the costume even cooler, my mom and I also crafter parts out of cardboard for my pedal bike to turn it into the Batbike, and we taped a bat signal to my flashlight.

The neighbor kid decided to go as Link from the Legend of Zelda and we were off in search of candy. Once again we were warned of our boundaries and once again we completely ignored them. We road our bikes all the way to the next town which was a good ten miles. When we got there we met up with my cousin who lived there and started trick or treating. It wasn’t long until we were happened up by a group of older kids who decided to try and take our candy. What was interesting about this encounter was that my flashlight was a big ass Maglite and my friend’s Link sword and shield were both fashioned out of hard wood. Needless to say we subdued the attackers and got the hell out of there.

So an hour later we were sitting in the town jail with a very unimpressed part time police officer. Apparently the kids were upset about getting their asses handed to them by three eight year olds and had their mom’s call the cops. Fortunately the cop realized we were the ones who got jumped and we were just defending ourselves and he knew my mom rather well. Unfortunately he called her to come pick us up. I got the ass chewing of a life time. Needless to say she didn’t believe the alien abduction story two years in a row.

Halloween 1990-94: To be perfectly honest I didn’t to much trick or treating so much as just tricking. Every year during this period my friends and I would go out as something completely concealing our identities. Ninjas, costumes with full face motor cycle helmets, that kind of thing. We would spend every Halloween perfecting our shit lighting, corn throwing, bottle rocket firing, toil paper covering and vandalism techniques.

Halloween 1995: Now if you have taken the time to read the prequel to this piece you realize the by the time 1995 rolls around I have a pretty decent alcohol problem going on, keep that in mind. Now I am about 14 at this point and puberty has hit hard. I am about 6’2″ and 160 lbs. I decide to use my considerable mass to my advantage and go as a bad ass grim reaper. At about four in the afternoon I hook up with my friends Joe, Josh, Matt and Chris and my cousin Scott. We kill two bottles of SOCO and decide to explore Joe’s neighborhood in search of candy. We end up passing out in what we believe is Joe’s garage. It turns out the next morning that we find out when we are rudely awakened my a stranger that it wasn’t Joe’s garage. It wasn’t even in the right town, and on top of all of that it wasn’t a garage, it was a wood shed. We apologize and go home.

Halloween 1996: All I remember from this year was that I went as Elwood Blues and instead of a harmonica, I carried a flask of Jack Daniel’s. Me and Josh get ripped out of our minds and get in a fake drunken karate fight. At least I think it was karate. I was too drunk to tell.

Halloween 1997-99: During this time Halloween as well as most of my time was spent with Stratt, J, Pugz, Jerome, Guzz, Dan and Josh. Our Halloween’s mostly consisted of drinking ourselves stupid, getting high, smoking thousands of cigarettes, watching cheesy horror flicks and playing video games. Usually we would all get dressed up and go out wreaking havoc, but that only lasted for two hours or so.

Halloween 2000: In July of 2000 I left for college and quickly escalated the amount of alcohol I let flow into my face hole until it rose to legendary proportions. Now all summer and most of the fall I was completely consumed with adjusting to college, living in a new city and making some new friends. This of course meant getting COMPLETELY fucked up as much as possible. One of the many things my friends and I liked to do to reach a state of inhibriation was to travel over to the south side of Pittsbugh, get drunk and try to pick up chicks at the various bars. I thought it would be funny to wear a costume that would showcase “the goods”so I essentially only wore a flesh colored pair of tight fitting skivies with a leaf on them. I told people I was Adam and the plan was to ask chicks if they wanted to see my serpent.

The plan was to get hammered, go check out a foam party at the one club, then head up to my friend’s sister’s place to check out a party she was having. In reality what happened was I started drinking at about 2:30 in the afternoon. I met up with my friends and we caught the bus over to the south side. I drank even more and started to get to the point where you can barely keep your head up. At about 1:00 am we caught the bus to my friend’s sisters place. I don’t remember much of what happened there, but I know I lost the trench coat I was wearing to protect my frail semi nude body from the elements. I know this because I left the party with out it and got on the bus to go home t about 4:00 am and I was freezing my nearly exposed nuts off.

Apparently I passed out on the bus because I woke up at the end of the bus route two hours later and the bus driver refused to let me ride back since I had only paid for one way, had no transfer, and no money for another ticket. I got off the bus only to find there was freezing rain pouring down on the streets of the outskirts of Pittsburgh. I can’t tell for sure what neighborhood it was since I don’t rightly know. So there I was, in a pair of flesh colored undies with no leaf (since it apparently fell off, and no coat walking along in the freezing rain.

I managed to make it about a mile before my skin actually started to turn purple and my Vans got so soaked and cold that I couldn’t feel my toes. What happened next is one of my most shameful moments. I spotted a bicycle, a pink girls bike, outside of a church. Without even thinking twice about it I stole a little girls bike from a church and rode off. At this point it was about 9 am and I still had no idea exactly where I was or what direction to go in. I decided since the direction I was going in at least provided me with the bike I would keep going.

A few hours later I was in an area of Pittsburgh called Garfield. A friend of mine worked at a seedy bar there, so I pulled in hoping he was working that day. Had he not been I would have just been a guy who appeared to be naked and soaked riding a pink bike pulling into a bar at 11:00 am. Thankfully for me he was working, so he let me use the phone and sit there and chill until I got a hold of the girl who lived across the hall from me and she came to pick me up in her car.

The last few years since then consisted of costumes ranging from Tit Head from Little Nicky, Seth Gecko and Dr. Frank-n-Furter (which my balls fell out of a ridiculous amount of times, but one me a $200 bar tab) and saw me celebrating Halloween another two years in Pittsburgh as well as my home town, Detroit and Rapid City. While the stories are mildly funny, mostly they are just depressing and I don’t feel like going into them. Well I hope you bastards enjoyed laughing at my misfortune once again.

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